WILL (as Qui-Gon): "A drum we can play on the streets until we get enough money for bus fare."

QUI-GON: A transport, I hope.

WILL (as Obi-Wan): "Master, what's a 'mackineek?' What's an 'outlaunder?' And what's a 'symbiont?'"

The JEDI notice JAR JAR in chains to one side, waiting to hear his verdict. QUI-GON stops. JAR JAR gives him a forlorn look.

TIM: "Don' wait for me, honey... (sniff) Ya'll find someone else... "

JAR JAR: Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!

KATHERINE: "Haven't you seen 'Journey to the Center of the Earth?'"

QUI-GON: Thank you, my friend.
JAR JAR: Ahhh... any hep hair would be hot.

WILL: Hey, I understood that! But why does he want a hep hairdo?

JAR SAKs soulful look is counterpointed by a sheepish grin.

OBI-WAN: We are short of time, Master.
QUI-GON: We need a navigator to get us through the planet's core. This Gungan may be of help.

WILL: Wait. They said, "through the planet's core?" Geology 101, anyone?

QUI-GON walks back to BOSS NASS.

QUI-GON: (Cont'd) What is to become of Jar Jar Binks here?
BOSS NASS: Binkss brokeen the nocombackie law. Hisen to be pune-ished.
QUI-GON: I have saved Jar Jar Binks' life. He owes me what you call a "life-debt."

WILL: "I'd like to watch him kill himself right here."

BOSS NASS: Binks. Yousa havena liveplay with thisen hisen?

WILL: "Uh... nope. Sorry-day. Guessen mesen justen haven to dien nowen."

JAR JAR nods and joins the JEDI. QUI-GON waves his hand.

QUI-GON: Your gods demand that his life belongs to me now.

WILL: ...please don't let this happen...

BOSS NASS: Hisen live tis yos, outlaunder. Begone wit him.
JAR JAR: Count mesa outta dis! Better dead here, den deader in da core...

WILL: Yes!

JAR JAR: Yee guds, whata mese sayin?!

JAR JAR hurries after the others.

WILL: NO!
KATHERINE: Wow, he can't even understand himself.

EXT. NABOO LAKE-UNDERWATER-SUB (FX)
A strange little submarine propels itself away from Otoh Gunga, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.

TIM: Hey, weren't the Feds commanded to reach a settlement? An' pretty soon, they'll be here!
WILL (as Nazi): "I vas only following orders... "

INT. SUB COCKPIT-UNDERWATER

OBI-WAN is in the co-pilot's seat, JAR JAR guides the craft.

JAR JAR: Hey, ho? Where wesa goen??

WILL: Um, "through the core." If you need extra directions, that's "down."

QUI-GON: You're the navigator.
JAR JAR: Yo dreamen mesa hopen...
QUI-GON: Just relax, the Force will guide us...

TIM: Line #7! That's the best Jedi pickup line I ever heard! Gotta remember that one.

JAR JAR: Ooooh, maxibig, "da Force" ...Wellen, dat smells stinkowiff.

JAR JAR veers the craft to the left and turns the lights on. The coral vistas are grand, fantastic, and wondrous.

WILL: And keen.
TIM: An' smurfy.
KATHERINE: Yet... elsewhere, elusive.

OBI-WAN: Why were you banished, Jar Jar?

WILL: You have to ASK?

JAR JAR: Tis a longo tale, buta small part wowdabe mesa... ooooh... aaaa... clumsy.
OBI-WAN: They banished you because you're clumsy?

As the little sub glides ever deeper into the planet core, a large dark shape begins to follow.

KATHERINE: Look out! It's a Vaderfish!

JAR JAR: Mesa cause-ed mabee one or duey tettat bttty axadents... yud-say boom da gasser, un crash Der Bosses heyblibber... den banished.

Suddenly a huge, luminous OPEE SEA KILLER hooks the sub with its long gooey tongue.

WILL: You sure that wasn't the Opee Sea Killer talking just now?

QUI-GON: Full speed ahead.

The sub's engines are near-useless as the OPEE SEA KILLER's tongue hauls it in... but a huge, incredible SANVO AQUA MONSTER reaches up and chomps down on the OPEE SEA KILLER, who then releases the sub immediately. As the sub jets off, the others observe the MONSTER tearing off the KILLER's head.

TIM: When ya have it your way, it just tastes better.

The lights on the tiny sub begin to flicker as they cruise deeper into the gloom.

TIM: Turn signals on.

QUI-GON: There's always a bigger fish.

KATHERINE: Like "Titanic."

Sparks are flying, and water is leaking into the cabin. The sound of the power drive drops.

OBI-WAN: ...we're losing power.

WILL: Damned rechargables.

Obi-Wan is working with the sparking wires. JAR JAR panics.

QUI-GON: Stay calm. We're not in trouble yet.

KATHERINE: Tim? Another sexually suggestive line for you.
WILL: You think that's suggestive?
KATHERINE: It is when Liam says it.

JAR JAR: What yet? Monstairs out dare, leak'n in here, all'n sink'n and nooooo power! You nutsen! WHEN YOUSA TINK WESA IN TROUBLE?!?

WILL: When Alec Guinness shows up in his "Get A Life" sweatshirt.

OBI-WAN: Power's back.

The lights flicker on, revealing an ugly COLO CLAW FISH right in front of them.

JAR JAR: Monstair's back!

The large COLO CLAW FISH is surprised and rears back.

TIM: Monster's front!

The sub turns and speeds away.

JAR JAR: (cont'd) Wesa in trouble now??
QUI-GON: Relax.

Qui-Gon puts his hand on JAR JAR's shoulder. JAR JAR relaxes into a coma.

WILL and KATHERINE: (Thunderous applause)

OBI-WAN: You overdid it.

WILL: Shut up, kid!

The COLO CLAW FISH leaps after the fleeing sub as it shoots out of the tunnel.

TIM: Where's he come up with these fish names, anyway?

OBI-WAN: (Cont'd) This is not good!

KATHERINE: And the Oscar for "stating the obvious with conviction" goes to...

JAR JAR regains consciousness.

JAR JAR: Wesa dead yet?? Oie Boie!

WILL: No, just you. Now hurry up and stop breathing.

JAR JAR's eyes bulge, and he faints again.

WILL: So close! Aargh!

The sub narrowly avoids the deadly teeth of the AQUA MONSTER. The COLO CLAW FISH chasing them isn't so lucky. It is munched in half by the larger predator. The little sub zips away.

TIM: Shwoo, that was intense! I thought Obi was gonna die before Part Four!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE and RUNE stand before a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.

TIM: Maybe Sidious ISN'T Qui-Gon. Maybe he's Boss Nass, wearin' elevator shoes, an' outta that spittle-sprinklin' rubber suit. That'd explain why he tried ta set the guys up, an' why he's so confident the droid army won't get him, an' why he wants this mudball anyway...

NUTE: The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.

KATHERINE: 10:30-Meet peace-loving "security volunteers." 10:33-12:00-Laugh. 12:05-Take over planet.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures.

KATHERINE: There's your answer, Tim. He's Senator Schneider. Darth Schneider.

DARTH SIDIOUS: By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.

TIM: Sure he's not Bill Gates?

NUTE: The Queen has great faith the Senate will side with her.
DARTH SIDIOUS: Queen Amidala is young and naive. You will find controlling her will not be difficult.

TIM: Heyyy! Sexually suggestive line number OWWW!
KATHERINE (innocently): Oh, I'm sorry, Tim! I was reaching for some popcorn.

NUTE: Thank you, My Lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS fades away.

KATHERINE: Like an old soldier.

RUNE: You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi?
NUTE: No need to report that, until we have something to report.

WILL: It's rare to see cowardly businessfrogs with such journalistic ethics.

EXT. THEED-MAIN ROAD INTO THEED-DAY (FX)

TIM: "Theed?" Hee hee ha ha, "THEED?"(laughing) I was just getting over "Naboo... "
WILL: Geography based on the works of the late Dr. Seuss.

The long columns of the DROID ARMY move down the main road leading to Theed, the Naboo capital.

WILL (as Droid #1): "Why do we have to carry these long columns?"

INT. THEED PLAZA-DAY (FX)

The QUEEN watches helplessly from a window in the palace.

KATHERINE: Pizza still isn't here! That's it! No tip!

EXT. THEED PLAZA-DAY (FX)

A transport carrying NUTE and RUNE lands in Theed Plaza. They exit the transport. OOM-9 is there to meet them.

OOM-9: Your Highness, we have captured the queen.
NUTE: Ah, victory.

WILL (as Sesame Street's "The Count"): "One victory! Two victories! Three victories! Ah, ah, ah!

EXT. THEED-ESTUARY-DAY

Paradise. Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. There is A LOUD RUSH OF BUBBLES, and the JEDI's small sub bobs to the surface. OBI-WAN switches off the two remaining bubble canopies. QUI-GON stands up to look around. JAR JAR lets out a sigh of relief.

KATHERINE: Sort of like Botticelli's "Birth of Venus" gone hideously wrong.

JAR JAR: Dissen berry good, hey?

WILL: So help me, if Lucas starts doing commercials for "BERRY FLAVOR KIX... "

QUI-GON: Come on...

INT. THEED-PALACE-DAY

The waterfalls of Theed sparkle in the noonday sun.

TIM: How scenic. An' sexual.

INT. THEED-PALACE THRONE ROOM-DAY

QUEEN AMIDALA, and her entourage march downstairs, surrounded by DROIDS. NUTE and RUNE walk with them.

BIBBLE: ...how will you explain this Invasion to the Senate?

TIM: It'll be hard. They're real stupid.

NUTE: The Naboo and the Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I've been assured it will be ratified by the Senate.
AMIDALA: I will not cooperate.
NUTE: Now, now, Your Highness. In time, your people's suffering will persuade you to see our point of view. Commander. (OOM-9 steps forward.) Process them.

WILL: Into what?

OOM-9: Roger, roger.

WILL: DON'T say it, Tim...
TIM: Say what?

OOM-9: (turns to his sergeant) Take them to Camp Four.

The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.

EXT. PALACE-PLAZA-DAY

AMIDALA, PADME, EIRTAE, YANE, RABE, SACHE, PANAKA, BIBBLE, and FOUR GUARDS are led out of the palace by BATTLE DROIDS.

WILL: Got enough handmaidens there?
TIM: Hey, stop pickin' on Bibble.

The plaza is filled with tanks and BATTLE DROIDS, which they pass on their way to the detention camp. Unbeknownst to them, QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, and JAR JAR sneak across on a walkway above the plaza.

WILL: Shhhh.
KATHERINE: Shhhh.
TIM: Shhhh.

Then they jump from a balcony into the midst of the droids. Or the JEDI jump. JAR JAR half-jumps, then dangles from the balcony.

WILL: "Whoopsa! Mesa forgota only Jedi can jumpa twoa storiesa and not get hurta! Mesa slippingggg... AAAAA... CRUNCH!"

FOUR BATTLE DROIDS are instantly cut down. MORE DROIDS move forward and are also cut down by the JEDIS' flashing lightsabers, except a couple, which OBI-WAN repels with the Force.

TIM: Just, y'know, cause he can.

QUEEN AMIDALA and the OTHERS are amazed. QUI-GON meets the eyes of the QUEEN.

KATHERINE: POV shot? Can we get her POV shot, with Qui-Gon staring into the depths of her soul with his calm, knowing...
WILL: You're doing this to me on purpose, aren't you?

QUI-GON: Your Highness, we should move out of the streets.

WILL: "We should. But the housing situation is desperate."

The entire group moves between two buildings.

QUI-GON: We are the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor.
PANAKA: Your negotiations seem to have failed.

WILL: Liam Neeson. The Negotiator.

QUI-GON: The negotiations never took place. Your Highness, we must make contact with the Republic.
BIBBLE: They've knocked out our communications.

KATHERINE: Who, the Republic?
TIM and WILL: (unintelligible squawking)

QUI-GON: Do you have transports?
CAPT. PANAKA: In the main hangar. This way.

TIM: We call 'em "dingdongos."

THEY disappear down an alleyway.

INT. CENTRAL HANGAR-HALLWAY-DAY

CAPTAIN PANAKA cracks open a side door to the central hangar.

TIM: Wow, he's STRONG!

QUI-GON looks in over his shoulder. OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, and the rest of the group are behind him. They see a Naboo spacecraft, its captured pilots guarded by about TWENTY BATTLE DROIDS.

KATHERINE: "Careful analysis suggests that the best place to keep captured pilots is right next to their own vehicles."

CAPT. PANAKA: Too many of them.

WILL: "About twenty."

QUI-GON: That won't be a problem. (to Amidala) Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with us.
AMIDALA: Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.
QUI-GON: They will kill you if you stay.

KATHERINE: Who, her people?
WILL: Once you get elected, those popularity polls are all downhill.

BIBBLE: They wouldn't dare.
CAPT. PANAKA: They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her.

WILL: They can't afford to forge a signature and dub a hologram, but they can afford an invasion?

QUI-GON: Your Highness, the situation here is not what it seems. There is something else behind all this. There is no logic in the Federation's move here.

WILL: Jedi do logic problems?

QUI-GON: My feelings tell me they will destroy you.

KATHERINE (breathily): Trust his feelings...

BIBBLE: Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us...

The QUEEN turns to PADME and EIRTAE.

AMIDALA: Either choice presents a great risk... to all of us...
PADME: We are brave, Your Highness.

KATHERINE: "Especially me, since I get to go with you."

QUI-GON: If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.
AMIDALA: Then, I will plead our case before the Senate. (To Bibble) Be careful, Governor.

INT. CENTRAL HANGAR-DAY

The door opens to the main hangar. QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, CAPTAIN PANAKA, TWO GUARDS, and THREE HANDMAIDENS (PADME, EIRTAE, RABE), followed by QUEEN AMIDALA, head for a sleek chrome spacecraft.

TIM: "A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away... there was... chrome."

CAPT. PANAKA: We need to free those pilots.

WILL: "Which everyone here knows... "

CAPTAIN PANAKA points to TWENTY GUARDS, GROUND CREW, and PILOTS held in a corner by BATTLE DROIDS.

WILL: "... but if I say it aggressively enough... "

QUI-GON: I'll take care of that.

WILL: "... maybe nobdy'll notice I don't do anything important... "

QUI-GON heads toward the group of captured pilots. OBI-WAN and the QUEEN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, JAR JAR and the rest of the GROUP approach the GUARDS at the ramp of the Naboo craft.

WILL: "... in this entire movie."

GUARD DROID: Where are you going?
QUI-GON: I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.
DROID GUARD: Wait... uh... that doesn't compute... wait... wait... You're under arrest!

Before any of the DROIDS can fire, they are cut down. OTHER DROIDS run to their aid. OBI-WAN attacks the GUARDS around the PILOTS. QUI-GON stands, fighting off DROIDS as the OTHERS rush on board the spacecraft. After everyone has made it onto the ship, the JEDI jump on board. The ship takes off.

WILL: Why'd they have to kill the droid guard? He wasn't NEARLY as annoying as Jar Jar. They could have made HIM the sidekick.

EXT. THEED-HANGAR ENTRY-DAY (FX)

The ship exits the hangar. BATTLE DROIDS standing in the hangar shoot at them.

EXT. SPACE (FX)

KATHERINE: Have there ever been scene directions that read, "INT. SPACE?"

The sleek spacecraft speeds away from the planet of Naboo and heads for the deadly Federation blockade.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-DROID HOLD

JAR JAR is led into a low, cramped doorway by OBI-WAN.

TIM: Oho, two-timin' the Jedi master, huh?

OBI-WAN: Now stay here, and keep out of trouble.

WILL: "... for the rest of the movie."

OBI-WAN closes the door.

JAR JAR looks around and sees a row of four short, dome-topped ASTRO DROIDS. One of them has a very familiar design...

JAR JAR: Ello, boyos!

The DROIDS all turn and beep hello at him.

KATHERINE: Finally, a language even harder to understand than Jar Jar's.
WILL: I wouldn't go that far.

EXT. SPACE BATTLE (FX)

The Naboo spacecraft, surrounded by EXPLOSIONS, heads even closer to the massive Federation BLOCKADE.

KATHERINE: And doesn't shoot back.
WILL: They have no weapons.
KATHERINE: What??
WILL: They wanted peace.
KATHERINE: What, everlasting peace? This is "peace" that passes all understanding.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-COCKPIT

The PILOT, RIC OLIE, navigates toward the massive BATTLESHIP. QUI-GON and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch.

RIC OLIE: There's the blockade, hang on.

TIM: "To what? Everybody knows this is artificial gravity, so rockin' the ship won't rock uuuWHHOAAA... "

ALARM SOUNDS fill the cockpit as OBI-WAN enters.

RIC OLIE: (Cont'd) The shield generator's been hit. Our deflector shields can't withstand this. Power down... Hopefully the repair droids can fix it.

KATHERINE: Well, they kept it nice and simple for us.
WILL: "My First Technobabble."

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-DROID HOLD (DC)

The light go on, and all the DROIDS are activated. DROIDS rush to an exterior air lock, and one bumps past JAR JAR to get there. One LITTLE BLUE ASTRO DROID who is especially dedicated, lets out a loud screech as he passes JAR JAR, causing the Gungan to jump.

JAR JAR: How wude.

TIM: Yeah, it is lewd. Think Artoo-Detoo ate his balls like on that Website?

The LITTLE DROID enters an air lock and is ejected onto the exterior of the ship.

EXT. SPACECRAFT-FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-SPACE (FX)

The DROIDS pop onto the exterior of the Naboo spacecraft: but gunfire almost immediately blasts TWO ASTRO DROIDS away.

TIM: Ya think somebody had it out for droids in this movie?

OBI-WAN: We're losing droids fast.
CAPT. PANAKA: If they can't get those shield generators fixed, we'll be sitting ducks.
RIC OLIE: The shields are gone.

WILL: "Oh. Guess we're... uh... sitting ducks."

EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-ENGINES-SPACE (FX)

A BATTLESHIP blows away ONE MORE ASTRO DROID.

KATHERINE: "You sank my battledroi... " No, wait. Forget it.

The BLUE DROID connects some wires, causing sparks to fly.

RIC OLIE: Power's back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main power drive. Deflector shields up, at maximum.

TIM: An' he got Windows 98 off the hard drive!

The lone BLUE DROID finishes his repairs and goes back into the ship, beeping all the way.

KATHERINE: Rule #7 of SF films: George Lucas was once told there were no sounds in airless space. He didn't believe it. Today, George Lucas is a multi-millionaire. The moral?

The Naboo spacecraft races away from the Federation BATTLESHIP.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-COCKPIT

OBI-WAN is in the co-pilot's sect working with RIC OLIE. QUI-GON and CAPTAIN PANAKA stand behind them.

WILL: ...goofing off.

RIC OLIE: Not enough power to get us to Coruscant... we'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship.

QUI-GON studies a star chart on a monitor.

OBI-WAN: Here, Master. Tatooine... It's small, out of the way... The Trade Federation has no presence there.

KATHERINE: We have leftover location shots... it's convenient...

CAPT. PANAKA: Tatooine is controlled by the Hutts!

TIM: The TEN Hutts!

CAPT. PANAKA: You can't take Her Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters... If they discovered her...
QUI-GON: ...It would be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation., But the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us the advantage.

CAPTAIN PANAKA takes a deep breath in frustration.

WILL: "Just let me say 'fuck' in this movie once, man, just ONCE!"

EXT. SPACE-NABOO STARSHIP (DC)

The Naboo starship races away.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

NUTE and RUNE sit around a conference table with a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Has she signed the treaty?
NUTE: The Queen has disappeared, My Lord.

TIM: "... along with 2,654 handmaidens, her badass captain, and those Jedi we din't tell you about... D'oh!"

NUTE: One Naboo cruiser got past the blockade.
DARTH SIDIOUS: I want that treaty signed.

WILL: "I want that ship."

NUTE: My Lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. It's out of our range.
DARTH SIDIOUS: ...not for a Sith.

KATHERINE: "But... we're not Sith, and I said it was out of OUR range."
TIM: Sith don't do logic problems.

A second SITH LORD appears behind DARTH SIDIOUS. He wears red-and-black face paint, horns, and all-black clothing.

WILL: Looks like he forgot his "I'M EVIL" T-shirt.

DARTH SIDIOUS: (Cont'd)... This is my apprentice, Darth Maul. He will find your lost ship.
NUTE: Yes, My Lord.

The hologram fades off.

NUTE: (Cont'd) This is getting out of hand... now there are two of them.

WILL("The Count"): "What next? Three of them? Four of them? FIVE of them?? Ah, ah, ah!"

RUNE: We should not have made this bargain.

TIM: "An' since we're in charge'a trade, I think we need ta blockade ourselves to keep ourselves from makin' any more like this. Is that legal?"

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-QUEEN'S CHAMBERS

QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, and the LITTLE BLUE DROID stand before QUEEN AMIDALA and her THREE HANDMAIDENS, PADME, EIRTAE, and RABE.

CAPT. PANAKA: ...An extremely well-put-together little droid. Without a doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives.
AMIDALA: It is to be commended... what is its number?

The LITTLE BLUE DROID lets out a series of beeps.

WILL: "Translation: Ha ha, I can say 'fuck' in this movie and you can't."

CAPTAIN PANAKA leans over and scrapes some dirt off of the side of the DROID and reads the number:

CAPT. PANAKA: R2-D2, Your Highness.
AMIDALA: Thank you, Artoo-Detoo. Padme!

KATHERINE: "I'm not Padme! You're Padme!" "Me? I thought I was Rabe!"

PADME bows before the QUEEN.

AMIDALA: (Cont'd) Clean this droid up as best you can. It deserves our gratitude...

KATHERINE: "Ha ha, I enjoy assigning menial tasks to the Queen while we're dressed up as each other."
TIM: Wait a minute. Qui-Gon an' Obi-Wan did a LOT more to rescue the queen than R2. Don't THEY get handmaiden scrub baths?

AMIDALA: (to Panaka) Continue, Captain.

PADME exits with ARTOO. CAPTAIN PANAKA looks nervously to OBI-WAN and QUI-GON.

QUI-GON: With your permission, Your Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called Tatooine.

KATHERINE: "Actually, it's without your permission, but I figure if I phrase it this way, you might think it's your idea."

CAPT. PANAKA: I do not agree with the Jedi on this.
QUI-GON: You must trust my judgment, Your Highness.

KATHERINE "To say nothing of... (sigh) trusting my feelings."
WILL: Stop that.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-MAIN AREA

PADME sits in the Main Area, cleaning the brave little Astro Droid. JAR JAR joins them.

WILL: So unlike Cinderella, she wants to stop being a princess and start polishing surfaces?

JAR JAR: I scovered oily back dare. Needen it?

KATHERINE: No, we don't need the oils you're covered in, thanks.

PADME: Thank you. This little guy is quite a mess.

JAR JAR hands PADME the oil can.

TIM (Tin Woodsman): "Oil can... oil can... "

PADME: You're a Gungan, aren't you? How did you end up with us?

WILL: Lucas needed an extra towel design!

JAR JAR: My no know... mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom... getten berry skeered, un grabben dat Jedi, and before mesa knowen it... pow! Mesa here. (he shrugs)... Mesa getten berry berry skeered!

ARTOO BEEPS a sympathetic beep.

WILL: So Artoo likes hanging out with annoying whiners?
KATHERINE: It'd explain Threepio.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-COCKPIT

OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch over RIC's shoulder. A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. RIC searches his scopes.

OBI-WAN: That's it. Tatooine.

TIM: "Dat-a one."

RIC OLIE: There's a settlement... a spaceport, looks like.
QUI-GON: Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.

WILL: "We'll have to use our cleverest disguise. Hoods."

EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-NABOO SPACECRAFT-DAY (FX)

The Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport of Mos Espa is seen in the distance.

OBI-WAN: The hyperdrive generator is shot. We'll need a new one.

QUI-GON moves closer to OBI -WAN and speaks quietly to him.

QUI-GON: Don't let them send any transmissions. Be wary... I sense a disturbance in the Force.
OBI-WAN: I feel it also, Master.

KATHERINE: "Uh, I just didn't want to mention it until you did."

QUI-GON goes into the hallway to meet up with ARTOO and JAR JAR. They head to the exit ramp.

WILL: He doesn't want to attract any attention, so he brings the military astrodroid and the bug-eyed klutz?

EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-SPACESHIP-- DAY

They start their trek across the desert toward the city of Mos Espa.

TIM: "STARRRRRRT TREK!"

JAR JAR: Dis sun doen murder tada skin.

WILL: And then he burst into flame.

From the spaceship, CAPTAIN PANAKA and PADME run toward them.

CAPT. PANAKA: Wait!

QUI-GON stops as they catch up. PADME is dressed in rough peasant's garb.

KATHERINE: As opposed to the finer garments, which she reserves for cleaning droids.

CAPT. PANAKA: (Cont'd) Her Highness commands you to take her handmaiden with you.
QUI-GON: No more commands from Her Highness today, Captain. This spaceport is not going to be pleasant...
CAPT. PANAKA: The Queen wishes it. She is curious...

KATHERINE: ...yellow.
TIM: ...George.
WILL: ...ly silent on any decision-making that doesn't involve Padme.

CAPT. PANAKA: ...about this planet.
QUI-GON: This is not a good idea. Stay close to me.

He gives PADME a stern look.

QUI-GON: Stay close to me.

KATHERINE: Sighhh...

EXT. MOS ESPA-STREET-DAY

The little GROUP walks down the main street of Mos Espa. They pass dangerous looking citizens of all types. PADME looks around in awe at this exotic environment.

QUI-GON: ...moisture farms for the most part, but also a few indigenous tribes and scavengers. The few spaceports like this one are havens for those who do not wish to be found.
PADME: Like us.

WILL: Funny, I thought they were a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."
KATHERINE: The place had gone downhill by Episode IV.

JAR JAR is in a constant state of panic. ARTOO whistles along, with perfect confidence.

JAR JAR: Dissen berry berry bad. (steps in ooze) Oouuh... icky, icky, goo!

TIM: Ahhh, cutesy, cutesy antics.
WILL: You're just saying that to annoy me.
TIM: Does it work?

INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP-DAY

QUI-GON, JAR JAR, PADME, and ARTOO enter a dingy junk shop and are greeted by WATTO, a pudgy blue alien who flies on short little wings like a hummingbird.

WATTO: (subtitled) Hi chuba da nago? (What do you want?)

KATHERINE: I can see why he gets so many customers.

QUI-GON: I need parts for a 3-type 327 Nubian.
WATTO: Ah, Nubian. We have lotsa that. (subtitled) Peedunkel! Naba dee unko. (Boy, get in here! Now!)
QUI-GON: My droid here has a readout of what I need.

KATHERINE: "I could have carried it with me, but what the hell... we decided Artoo needed a little more screen time."

A disheveled boy, ANAKIN SKYWALKER, runs in from the junk yard. He is about nine years old, very dirty, and dressed in rags.

WATTO: (subtitled) Coona tee-tocky malia? (What took you so long?)
ANAKIN: (subtitled) Met tassa cho-passa... (I was cleaning the storerooms... )
WATTO: (subtitled) Ganda doe wattya. Me dwana no bata. (Watch the store. I've got some selling to do.) (to Qui-Gon) Soooo, Let me take-a you out back. Ni you'll find what you need, eh?

KATHERINE: You know, Watto's accent seems a little...
WILL: Just leave it, Katherine.

ARTOO and QUI-GON follow WATTO toward the junk yard, leaving JAR JAR with PADME and the young boy ANAKIN. JAR JAR picks up a gizmo, trying to figure out its purpose. QUI-GON takes the part out of his hand and put it back.

TIM: But din't Qui-Gon already leave?

QUI-GON: Don't touch anything.

WILL: "Not your clothes, not the ground, not the air. Don't exist." And Jar Jar fades away.
TIM: Jeez, yer thinkin' up more deaths for Jar Jar than South Park has for Kenny. That's sick. I respect that.

JAR JAR makes a rude face to QUI-GON's back and sticks out his long tongue. ANAKIN sits on the counter: pretending to clean a part, staring at PADME. She is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen in his life. PADME is a little embarrassed by his stare, but she musters up an amused smile. Finally, he gets the courage to speak.

ANAKIN: Are you an angel?
PADME: What?
ANAKIN: An angel. I've heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They live on the Moons of Iego, I think.

TIM: Omigod, that line worked! It's an even better Jedi pickup line!

PADME looks at him, not knowing what to say.

TIM: "Just take me now!"

PADME: You're a funny little boy. How do you know so much?

KATHERINE: "I'm a kid, so I've got to be an annoying know-it-all. It's in the Hollywood rulebook."

ANAKIN: I listen to all the traders and pilots who come through here. I'm a pilot, you know, and someday, I'm going to fly away from this place.
PADME: You're a pilot?
ANAKIN: All my life.

TIM: That musta been painful for Mom for awhile there. Specially when he was comin' outta the womb.

PADME: (amused) Have you been here long?

TIM: If Yoda said that, it'd be a sexually suggestive line.

ANAKIN: Since I was very little, three, I think. My Mom and I were sold to Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us, betting on the Podraces.
PADME: You're a slave?

ANAKIN looks at PADME defiantly.

ANAKIN: I'm a person, and my name is Anakin.

TIM: Rhymes with "mannequin." That song is gettin' clearer...

PADME: I'm sorry. I don't fully understand. (looking around) This is a strange world to me.

JAR JAR pushes the nose on what appears to be a LITTLE DROID, and it instantly comes to life, grows legs and arms, and starts marching around, knocking over everything. JAR JAR holds on but can't stop it.

ANAKIN: (Cont'd) Hey! Hit the nose!

JAR JAR hits the nose, and the DROID collapses back into its original state.

TIM: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
WILL (quietly, to himself): I won't say anything... I won't say anything...

EXT. WATTO'S JUNK YARD-BEHIND SHOP~DAY

WATTO reads a small portable monitor he is holding. He stands before a hyperdrive.

KATHERINE (as Watto): "Four on the floor, chrome siding, and it comes with its very own technobabble thesaurus!"

WATTO: A T-14 hyperdrive generator! Yer in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one.. but you might as well buy a new ship. It'd be cheaper, I think, eh?... Speaking of which, how're you going to pay for all this?

TIM: With PIE!

QUI-GON: I have 20,000 Republic dataries...
WATTO: Republic credits? Republic credits are no good out here. I need something more real.

WILL: You mean like, real dollars? Hey Qui-Gon, you might as well, movie's got the budget for it...

QUI-GON: I don't have anything else. (raising his hand) But credits will do fine.
WATTO: No they won't.

QUI-GON, using his mind power, waves his hand again.

KATHERINE: Wait. He's trying to brainwash his way to a bargain?
WILL: Where's that Jedi honor? This is repulsive behavior!
KATHERINE: Yet strangely magnetic... oh, wave that hand again...

QUI-GON: Credits will do fine.
WATTO: No they won't. What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don't work on me-- only money. No money, no parts! No deal! And no one else here has a T-14 hyperdrive, I promise you that.

QUI-GON nods and takes his leave.

INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP-DAY

JAR JAR pulls a part out of a stack of parts to inspect it, and they all come tumbling down. He struggles to catch them, only to knock more down. ANAKIN and PADME are oblivious.

WILL: If only I could talk to them for one moment... find out how THEY manage to ignore him...

ANAKIN: ...wouldn't have lasted this long if I weren't so good at building things.

TIM: "'Course, they usually blow up afterwards, but I'm great at buildin' em!"

QUI-GON hurries into the shop, followed by ARTOO.

QUI-GON: We're leaving.

WILL: To look for a sign that says, "Mind Tricks Accepted Here."

JAR JAR follows QUI-GON.

PADME: It was nice to meet you... ah...
ANAKIN: ...Anakin.
PADME: Anakin.
ANAKIN: Anakin Skywalker
PADME: Padme Naberrie.

KATHERINE: There. Why can't we learn Liam's character's name like that? "This is Qui-Gon Jinn." It'd make it a lot easier to talk about him.

PADME turns, and ANAKIN looks sad as he watches her leave.

ANAKIN: It was nice to meet you too!

WATTO enters from the junk yard, shaking his head.

TIM: "Ugh, hangover. Too much pollen last night... "

WATTO: (subtitled) Ootmians! Jinka me chasa hopoe ma booty na noLia. (Outlanders! They think because we live so far from the center we don't know nothing.)

KATHERINE: Can't the subtitles translate double negatives?

ANAKIN: (subtitled) La lova num botaffa. (They seemed nice to me.)
WATTO: (subtitled) Fweepa niaga. Tolpa da bunky dunko. (Clean the racks, then you can go home.)

ANAKIN lets out a "yippee" and runs out the back.

KATHERINE: And who still says "yippee?"
WILL: This was a long time ago.
TIM: In a galaxy...

EXT. MOS ESPA-STREET-ALCOVE-DAY

QUI-GON, ARTOO, JAR JAR, and PADME have found a quiet spot between two buildings. The busy street beyond is filled with dangerous-looking creatures. QUI-GON is talking on his comlink, while JAR JAR nervously watches the street. OBI-WAN is in the Main Hold of the Naboo craft.

OBI-WAN: A few containers of supplies, the Queen's wardrobe, maybe. Not enough for you to barter with. Not in the amounts you're talking about.

WILL: We could always sell Jar Jar.

QUI-GON: All right. I'm sure another solution will present itself.

WILL: Hey, I've got one! Sell canned Jar Jar entrails.

QUI-GON puts his comlink away and starts out into the main street. JAR JAR grabs his arm.

JAR JAR: Noah gain... da beings hereabouts cawazy. Wesa be robbed un crunched.

WILL: Isn't anybody listening to me?
TIM: Now y'know how I usually feel.

QUI-GON: Not likely. We have nothing of value. That's our problem.

EXT. MOS ESPA-STREET-MARKET-DAY

QUI-GON, PADME JAR JAR, and ARTOO move out into the street. JAR JAR is walking behind the others. They walk by an outdoor café filled with a rough gang of aliens, one of which is especially ugly, a spiderlike alien called SEBULBA.

TIM: Hey what've you got against spiders, huh? Spiders eat skeeters! By suckin' up dry like they were punchbox drinks! Spiders are kewl!

JAR JAR stops for a moment in front of a stall selling dead frogs hanging on a wire. He looks around to see if anyone is looking, then sticks out his tongue, and gets hold of one, pulling it into his mouth.

TIM: Don't the script describe Jar Jar as a "froglike alien?" Is this cannibalism?

Unfortunately, the frog is tied tightly to the wire. The vendor suddenly appears.

VENDOR: Hey, are you gonna pay for that?

WILL: Sure, we've got plenty of Republic credits... d'oh. Guess he'll have to die.

JAR JAR opens his mouth in surprise, and the frog snaps away, ricochets around the market, and lands in Sebulba's soup, splashing him. As JAR JAR moves away from the VENDOR, SEBULBA jumps up on the table and grabs the hapless Gungan.

SEBULBA: (subtitled) Chuba!! (You!!)

WILL: "Translation: Annoying incomprehensible computer-animated kids' merchandising phenomenon!"

JAR JAR: Who, mesa??
SEBULBA: (subtitled)Ni cliuba na?? (Is this yours??)

SEBULBA holds the frog up to the Gungun threateningly. SEVERAL OTHER CREATURES start to gather. SEBULBA shoves JAR JAR to the ground...

WILL: You're right, Tim. This spider-guy rocks.

... but ANAKIN intervenes, standing up to SEBULBA in a very self-assured way.

ANAKIN: (subtitled) Chess ko, Sebulba. Coo wolpa tooney rana. (Careful, Sebulba... This one's a big-time outlander. I'd hate to see you diced before we race again.)

TIM: Days of Thunder II: Diced Spiders. Has a certain somethin'.
WILL: Like what?

SEBULBA stops his assault on JAR JAR and turns to ANAKIN.

SEBULBA: (subtitled) Neek me chawa, wermo, mo killee ma klounkee. (Next time we race, wermo, it will be the end of you!) Una notu wo shag, me wompity du pom pom. (If you weren't a slave, I'd squash you right now.)

WILL: How are we supposed to read this subtitle font?
KATHERINE: Same way we're supposed to figure out Jar Jar's speech. By watching it over... and over... and over.

SEBULBA turns away.

ANAKIN: (subtitled) Ek, chee bana do mullee ra. (Yeah, it'd be a shame if you had to pay for me.)

TIM: Actually, I hear Lucas likes to treat his films like silent movies. Y'know, all visuals.
WILL: Times like these, I wish they were...

QUX-GON, PADME, and ARTOO arrive.

ANAKIN: (Cont'd) Hi! Your buddy here was about to be turned into orange goo.

TIM: Huh. There's one death ya missed, Will.
WILL: It's getting so I can't take the constant disappointment.

ANAKIN: He picked a fight with a Dug. An especially dangerous Dug called Sebulba.

KATHERINE: So dangerous even a 9-year-old kid could barely stand up to him.

JAR JAR: Nosir, nosir. Mesa hate crunchen. Dat's da last ting mesa wanten.
QUI-GON: Nevertheless, the boy is right... you were heading for trouble. Thank you, my young friend.

KATHERINE: Anakin's going to be mysteriously "right" through most of this movie, isn't he?

PADME looks at ANAKIN and smiles: he smiles back. They start walking down the crowded street.

JAR JAR: But… mesa doen nutten!

SEBULBA bites the head off the frog.

TIM: Ya think George Lucas used to bite the heads off his chocolate bunnies a lot?

EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-SPACESHIP-DAY

OBI-WAN stands in front of the Naboo spacecraft as the wind picks up and begins to whip at his robe. CAPTAIN PANAKA exits the ship and joins him.

WILL: "It was getting worse out here, so I thought I'd join you."

OBI-WAN: This storm's going to slow them down.

CAPTAIN PANAKA's comlink sounds off.

KATHERINE: "SOUND OFF! ONE-TWO!"

CAPT. PANAKA: (Cont'd) Yes?
RIC OLIE: (VO) We're receiving a message from home.

KATHERINE: "It's your mom, whining about how you never write, call, visit, or send holograms."

CAPT. PANAKA: We'll be right there.

EXT. MOS ESPA-STREET-FRUIT STAND-DAY

ANAKIN and the GROUP are at a fruit stand run by a jolly, but very poor, old lady named JIRA.

JIRA: Gracious, my gums are aching... storm's coming on, Annie. You'd better get home quick.

TIM: Awww, it's Little Orphan Annie!

ANAKIN: (to Qui-Gon) Do you have shelter?

WILL: "We'll just find an alleyway somewhere. Those seem to protect us from anything."

QUI-GON: We'll head back to our ship.
ANAKIN: Is it far?
PADME: On the outskirts.
ANAKIN: You'll never reach the outskirts in time... sandstorms are very dangerous. Come with me. Hurry!

KATHERINE: Now he's a meteorologist?
WILL: He knows the terrain.
KATHERINE: Come on! Qui-Gon knows this planet. Since when does he need a kid to tell him about sandstorms?...

The GROUP follows ANAKIN as he rushes down the windy street.

EXT. MOS ESPA-SLAVE OUARTERS-STREET-SANDSTORM-DAY

The wind is blowing hard as QUI-GON, JAR JAR, and PADME follow ANAKIN down the street and into a slave hovel.

KATHERINE: And why are you defending this tyke anyway?
WILL: He's gonna spend the last ten years of his life wearing bionic groin replacements and breathing out of a cheese grater. I figure we should cut him some slack.

INT. ANAKINS HOVEL-MAIN ROOM-DAY

QUI-GON, JAR JAR, ARTOO, and PADME enter a small living space.

ANAKIN: Mom! I'm home.
JAR JAR: Dissen cozy.

WILL: Besides, he isn't Jar Jar.

Anakin's mother, SHMI SKYWALKER, a warm, friendly woman of forty, enters from her work area and is startled to see the room full of people.

SHMI: Oh, my!! Annie, what's this??
ANAKIN: These are my friends, Mom. This is Padme, and... gee, I don't know any of your names.

KATHERINE (as Shmi): "What did I tell you about letting strangers follow you home?"

QUI-GON: Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.
ANAKIN: I'm building a droid. You wanna see?

TIM: "Lemme show you all the... parts, babe."

ANAKIN leads PADME off.

INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL-BEDROOM-DAY

ANAKIN shows off his ANDROID, which is lying on his work bench. There is one eye in the head; the body, arms, and legs have no outer coverings.

ANAKIN: Isn't he great?! He's not finished yet.

TIM: Modest an' smug all at the same time. He's got yer knack, Katherine.
KATHERINE: It's not a knack. It's a practiced art.

PADWE: He's wonderful!
ANAKIN: Watch!

ANAKIN pushes a switch, and THREEPIO sits up.

WILL: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."

THREEPIO: Oh, my. Where is everybody?
ANAKIN: Oops!

Anakin grabs an eye and puts it in Threepio's other socket.

WILL: He needs two eyes to see at all? Serious design flaw.

THREEPIO: How do you do, I am See-Threepio, Human-Cyborg Relations. How might I serve you?

TIM: Uhhh... what kind of human-cyborg "relations?"

PADME: He's perfect.
THREEPIO: Oh! Perfect?

KATHERINE: Padme really hasn't gotten out much.

ANAKIN: When the storm is over, you can see my racer. I'm building a Podracer!

PADME smiles at his enthusiasm.

TIM: He builds cars, races spiders, an' picks up royal chicks. I wanna be a slave too.

THREEPIO gets up and starts walking around the room on unsteady legs.

WILL: Wait a sec, weren't Threepio and Artoo unfamiliar with Tatooine in "A New Hope?"
TIM: That ain't th'half of it. Looks like Threepio forgot to mention Vader was his dad, too.

THREEPIO: I'm not sure this floor is quite stable. (to Artoo) Hello, I don't believe we've been introduced. I am See-Threepio, Human-Cyborg Relations.

ARTOO lets out a flurry of beeps and whistles.

THREEPIO: I beg your pardon... what do you mean, naked?

TIM (clutches forehead): Too many lewd comments... mustn't... black... out...

ARTOO beeps.

THREEPIO: (Cont'd) My parts are showing? Oh, my goodness...

TIM: 3PO gets like seven lines in this whole movie, an' three of them are sexually suggestive. What's up with that?

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-QUEEN'S CHAMBERS

AMIDALA, EIRTAC, RABE and OBI-WAN watch a very bad transmission of a SIO BIBBLE hologram.

WILL: "Let me reiterate: we've lost all communisquaawkkkkkkk."

BIBBLE:... the death toll is catastrophic... we must bow to their wishes, Your Highness... Please tell us what to do! You must contact me...

AMIDALA looks upset, almost nervous.

TIM: Willya stop bitin' that lip? Ya've already got a trickle of blood runnin' down it!

OBI-WAN: It's a trick. Send no reply... Send no transmissions of any kind.

EXIT OBI-WAN.

INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL HOVEL-MAIN ROOM-DAY
QUI-GON listens to his comlink. OBI-WAN is in the cockpit.

OBI-WAN: ...the Queen is upset... but absolutely no reply was sent.

WILL: "At least not while I was in the room."

QUI-GON: It sounds like bait to establish a connection trace.
OBI-WAN: What if it is true and the people are dying?

WILL: We never do find that out, do we? We only see one human die in this movie, and he's a bad guy. I guess those Naboo lives weren't really that important, storywise...

QUI-GON: Either way, we're running out of time.

EXT CORUSCANT-BALCONY OVERLOOKING SKY-NIGHT

TIM: Whoa, time is flyin'. From day to night...

DARTH SIDIOUS and DARTH MAUL look out over the vast city.

TIM: "Do ya remember where we parked?"

DARTH MAUL: Tatooine is sparsely populated. If the trace was correct, I will find them quickly, Master.

KATHERINE: I thought it was a "haven for those who do not wish to be found."
TIM: The place has gone downhill by this scene.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Move against the Jedi first... you will then have no difficulty taking the Queen back to Naboo, where she will sign the treaty.
DARTH MAUL: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.

TIM: Sexually suggestive line #10!

DARTH MAUL: At last we will have revenge.
DARTH SIDIOUS: You have been well trained, my young apprentice. They will be no match for you.

INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL-MAIN ROOM-DAY

QUI-GON, ANAKIN, SHMI, JAR JAR, and PADME are seated around a makeshift table, having dinner as the wind howls outside. JAR JAR slurps his soup rather loudly. Everyone looks at him. He turns a little brighter red.

WILL: ...and bursts into flame.

SHMI: All slaves have transmitters placed inside their bodies somewhere.

TIM: I forget where, exactly. Does anyone know what th' "vulva" is?

ANAKIN: I've been working on a scanner to try to locate them, but no luck.
SHMI: Any attempt to escape...

KATHERINE: ...and they strap a VR helmet to your head and make you live through Anthony Daniels' film career.

ANAKIN: ...and they blow you up. Poof!

KATHERINE: Same result.

PADME and JAR JAR are horrified.

JAR JAR: How wude.
PADME: I can't believe there is still slavery in the galaxy.

WILL: Try working at a deli.

PADME: The Republic's anti-slavery laws...
SHMI: The Republic doesn't exist out here. We must survive on our own.

An awkward silence. ANAKIN attempts to end the embarrassment.

ANAKIN: Have you ever seen a Podrace?

TIM: "No, but I've seen a jelly roll! Hyuk yuk!"
WILL: I can see why you like Jar Jar.

PADME shakes her head no. She notices the concern of SHMI. JAR JAR snatches some food from a bowl at the other end of the table with his tongue. QUI-GON gives him a dirty look.

TIM: Whoa-ho, HOT tongue! And he's getting' a dirty kind of look from Qui-Gon.

JAR JAR: Scuze me.

TIM: Ya mean, "'Squeeze me," don'cha?

QUI-GON: They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.
ANAKIN: I'm the only human who can do it.

KATHERINE (announcer's voice): Except for kids like YOU who play "Tatooine Indy 500," in stores NOW!

QUI-GON: You must have Jedi reflexes if you race Pods.

ANAKIN smiles. JAR JAR attempts to snare another bit of food from the bowl with his tongue, but QUI-GON, in a flash, grabs it between his thumb and forefinger.

TIM: Aw, GAWD. That's so sex-- how DID this movie get a PG ratin'?

JAR JAR is startled.

QUI-GON: (Cont'd) Don't do that again.

KATHERINE and WILL (as one): "Don't eat. Starve."
[They stop, point at each other, and share a moment's laughter.]

JAR JAR tries to acknowledge with some silly mumbling.

WILL: As opposed to what?

QUI-GON lets go of the tongue, and it snaps back into JAR JAR's mouth.

ANAKIN: You're a Jedi, aren't you?
QUI-GON: What makes you think that?

WILL: "Hood? Check. Tall? Check. Not wearing black? Check. Jedi? Ayep."

ANAKIN: I saw your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.

QUI-GON leans back and slowly smiles.

KATHERINE: "We call that a 'flashlight,' little Annie."

QUI.GON: Perhaps I killed a Jedi and took it from him.
ANAKIN: I don't think so. No one can kill a Jedi.
QUI-GON: I wish that were so.

TIM: (hums DRAGNET theme)

ANAKIN: I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the slaves...

KATHERINE: "Then Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King showed up and sued me for copyright infringement."

ANAKIN: Have you come to free us?
QUI-GON (quickly, uncomfortably): No.
ANAKIN: I think you have... why else would you be here?

TIM: "Ta hit on your mom."
WILL: "We're on a diplomatic mission."

QUI-GON thinks for a moment.

WILL: "Uhhh... the plot's getting so bogged down, I forgot."

QUI-GON: I can see there's no fooling you, Annie... we're on our way to Coruscant.
ANAKIN: Coruscant... wow... how did you end up out here in the outer rim?

KATHERINE: "Traffic."

PADME: Our ship was damaged, and we're stranded here until we can repair it.
ANAKIN: I can help! I can fix anything!

KATHERINE: Oh, my God, it just hit me... he's Wesley Crusher, pre-incarnated.

QUI-GON: I believe you can, but our first job is to acquire the parts we need.

WILL: "For example, I need a romantic lead after this movie."
KATHERINE: I can help with that.
TIM: Ya walked right inta that one, Willy.

JAR JAR: Wit no-nutten mula to trade.
PADME: These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.

KATHERINE: They're ticklish.

SHME: Gambling. Everything here revolves around betting on those awful races.
QUI-GON: Greed can be a powerful ally.

TIM: Greedo, on the other hand, is just a loser.

ANAKIN: I've built a racer! It's the fastest ever... There's a big race tomorrow, on Boonta Eve. You could enter my Pod. It's almost finished...

TIM: "All we gotta do now is blow it up!"

SHMI: Anakin, settle down.

KATHERINE: We command you to reach a settlement.

SHMI: Watto won't let you...
ANAKIN: Watto doesn't know I've built it. (to Qui-Gon) You could make him think it was yours, and you could get him to let me pilot it for you.

WILL: "Then you could whack yourself over the head with your lightsaber! That could be fun too!"

QUI-GON looks to SHMI. She is upset.

SHMI: I don't want you to race, Annie... It's awful. I die every time Watto makes you do it.

KATHERINE (whiny): "But Mahhhm, this time I'm making me do it, so it's okayyy!"

ANAKIN: But Mom, I love it... and they need help... The prize money would more than pay for the parts they need.
JAR JAR: Wesa ma pitty bad goo.

KATHERINE: With that money, they could even hire a speech therapist.
WILL: Actually, the fact that I can't understand what he's saying is Jar Jar's sole redeeming feature.

QUI-GON: Your mother's right. Is there anyone friendly to the Republic who might be able to help us?

SHMI shakes her head no.

TIM: "Republic, shmepublic."

ANAKIN: Mom... you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other...

KATHERINE: "I say lots of things when I'm drunk, dear."

There is silence for a moment as they eat

PADME: I'm sure Qui-Gon doesn't want to put your son in danger. We'll find some other way.
SHMI: No, Annie's right. There is no other way. I may not like it but he can help you. He was meant to help you.

KATHERINE: It was in the script.

The storm continues to rage outside the slave hovel.

TIM (as "storm"): "AARGH! DAMN HOVEL! WHAT THE HELL DOES 'HOVEL' MEAN?? AARGH!"

EXT. MOS ESPA-JUNK DEALER PLAZA-DAY

The storm has passed. VENDORS and STREET PEOPLE clean up the mess and rebuild their food stalls. JAR JAR sits on a box in front of Watto's parts shop, watching all the activity with growing nervousness. ARTOO is standing next to him.

WILL: "Standing" next to him?

PADME stops QUI-GON as he is about to enter the shop.

PADME: Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know? The Queen would not approve.

KATHERINE: "She would not be amused."

QUI-GON: The Queen doesn't need to know.
PADME: Well, I don't approve.

QUI-GON turns into the shop.

TIM: Wow! Neat Jedi mind trick! Turnin' into a shop!

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