WATTO: The boy tells me you wanta sponsor him inda race. You can't afford parts. How can you do this? Not on Republic credits, I think. (he laughs)
WILL (deep, suave): "Well, I found this cute li'l heiress last night and I used my masculine wiles to... "
KATHERINE: Stop that.
QUI-GON: My ship will be the entry fee.
QUI-GON pulls a small object that looks like a watch out of his pocket, and a hologram of the Naboo spacecraft appears about a foot long in front of WATTO. He studies it.
WILL: These watches are getting more expensive and less practical all the time.
WATTO: Not bad... not bad... a Nubian. QUI-GON: It's in good order, except for the parts we need.
WILL: Like... an engine.
WATTO: ...but what would the boy ride? He smashed up my Pod in the last race. It will take a long time to fix it.
ANAKIN is embarrassed and steps forward.
ANAKIN: It wasn't my fault. Really. Sebulba flashed me with his vent ports.
TIM: Sexu-
KATHERINE: Enough, Tim.
ANAKIN: I actually saved the Pod... mostly. WATTO: (laughing) That you did. The boy is good, no doubts there. QUI-GON: I have acquired a Pod in a game of chance.
WILL: Star Wars: The RPG as played in Vegas.
QUI-GON: "The fastest ever built." WATTO: I hope you didn't kill anyone I know for it. (laughs)
TIM: Just your pollen supplier.
WATTO: So, you supply the Pod and the entry fee: I supply the boy. We split the winnings fifty-fifty, I think. QUI-GON: If it's going to be fifty-fifty, I suggest you front the cash for the entry. If we win, you keep all the winnings, minus the cost of the parts I need. If we lose, you keep my ship. Either way, you win.
WILL: He's hustling. I don't know how, but he's hustling.
KATHERINE: Yeah...
WATTO thinks for a moment.
WATTO: (offering his hand) Deal! (They shake.)
KATHERINE: ...and damn, he's good.
Exit QUI-GON. WATTO turns to ANAKIN.
WATTO: Yo hana pee ho-tah, meendee ya. (Your friend is a foolish one, I think.)
TIM (whiny): "Who's more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?"
KATHERINE (slapping Tim): "Shut up, kid!"
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT-TATOOINE DESERT-DAY
OBI-WAN stands outside the Naboo spacecraft, speaking into his comlink. Qui-Gon is on the back porch of the hovel.
WILL (as Obi-Wan): Master, can't I come with you? I'm not getting any good scenes over here!
WILL (as Qui-Gon): I'm sorry, Obi, but you can't meet Threepio here now or we'd have a continuity error. Stay put.
OBI-WAN: What if this plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here for a long time. QUI-GON: A ship without a power supply will not get us anywhere. And... there's something about this boy.
TIM: He's actually Mary.
INT. MOS ESPA-SLAVE QUARTERS-PORCH-DAY
QUI-GON puts the comlink away as SHMI comes onto the porch.
WILL: Whoop, just talkin' to my dead ancestors. This isn't a comlink.
PADME, ANAKIN, JAR JAR, and ARTOO work on the engines of the Podracer in the courtyard below.
QUI-GON: You should be proud of your son. He gives without any thought of reward. SHMI: Well, he knows nothing of greed. He has...
KATHERINE: ...hasn't picked it up in six years working for Watto. He's brilliant, but he's also kind of dumb.
QUI-GON: He has special powers.
WILL: "No, that's my line."
SHMI: Yes... QUI-GON: He can see things before they happen.
WILL: "That's my line too! Stop it!"
QUI-GON: That's why he appears to have such quick reflexes. It is a Jedi trait. SHMI: He deserves better than a slave's life. QUI-GON: The Force is unusually strong with him, that much is clear. Had he been born in the Republic, we would have identified him early. Who was his father? SHMI: There was no father... I carried him, I gave birth... I can't explain what happened.
TIM: "All I remember was wakin' up in a gutter wearin' nothin' but a 'PARTY LIKE A HUTT' T-shirt."
WILL: I need a shirt like that.
EXT. MOS ESPA- SLAVE QUARTERS-BACK YARD DAY
KITSTER (a young boy about Anakin's age), SEEK (a boy of ten), AMEE (a girl of six), and WALD (a Greedo Type, six years old) join ANAKIN, JAR JAR, ARTOO, and PADME securing some wiring.
KATHERINE: Aw, what cuuute kid names. I'm sure "Kitster" doesn't get teased at all.
KITSTER: Wow, a real astro droid... how'd you get so lucky? ANAKIN: That isn't the half of it. I'm entered in the Boonta Race tomorrow! KITSTER: What? With this??
TIM: Nah, I figure I'll ride piggyback on the astro droid. He could use another scene.
WALD: (subtitled) Annie, Jesko na joka. (You are such a joker, Annie.)
TIM: Yeah, but yer a loser just like all the Greedos.
KATHERINE: I object to your shallow and stereotypical racial slur. And I'm sure Lucas would agree with me.
AMEE: You've been working on that thing for years. It's never going to run. SEEK: Come on, let's go play ball. Keep it up. Annie, and you're gonna be bug squash.
SEEK, WALD, and AMEE take off laughing.
KATHERINE: Boy, they sure stopped helping quick once they realized he actually wanted to get it running.
WILL: They're probably driven by a deep fear of success.
JAR JAR is fiddling with one of the energy binder plates.
ANAKIN: Hey! Jar Jar! Stay away from those energy binders. JAR JAR: Who, mesa? ANAKIN: If your hand gets caught in that beam, it'll go numb for hours.
TIM: So what happens if his brain gets caught in there?
WILL: He might become capable of actual thought.
JAR JAR peeks at the energy plate: it makes a little electronic pop, zaps him in the mouth and he jumps back. JAR JAR tries to say something, but his mouth is numb and his words are all garbled.
JAR JAR: (Gibberish)
WILL: "The shock has caused me to realize I am a computer-generated aberration."
QUI-GON approaches the GROUP and gives ANAKIN a small battery. JAR JAR drops a wrench, and while looking for it, gets his hand caught in the afterburner. He tries to tell Anakin, but can't get words out that make sense.
JAR JAR: (Gibberish)
WILL: "My being is offensive to my gods. Please grind me to bits in your engine."
ANAKIN jumps into the little capsule behind the two giant engines. He puts the power pack into the dashboard. EVERYONE backs away, except for JAR JAR who calls for help. Finally PADME frees him and the engines ignite with a ROAR.
WILL (sighing): I liked Padme...
ANAKIN: It's working!!...
TIM: "It's alive! It's alive!"
EXT. MOS ESPA-SLAVE QUARTERS-PORCH-DAY
SHMI, watching from the porch, smiles sadly.
WILL: "I could have been a Nascar driver, but nooo, Daddy said needlepoint was more ladylike."
INT. SLAVE QUARTERS-BALCONY-NIGHT
ANAKIN sits on the balcony rail of his hovel as QUI-GON tends to a cut. The BOY leans back to look at the vast blanket of stars in the sky.
TIM: Look out! Falling blanket!
QUI-GON: Sit still, Annie. Let me clean this cut. ANAKIN: There are so many! Do they all have a system of planets?
TIM: "Actchally, son, most of the white spots you see are bits of snot left over from when the giant turtle sneezed out the universe."
QUI-GON: Most of them. ANAKIN: Has anyone been to them all? QUI-GON: (laughs) Not likely. ANAKIN: I want to be the first one to see them all.
WILL: But... you just did.
SHMI: (O.S.) Annie, bedtime!
TIM: With a name like "Shmi," she really should be a native of Naboo. (A... Naboonian? A Naboovar? A Nabookov, at's it.)
QUI-GON wipes a patch of blood off ANAKIN'S arm.
QUI-GON: There, good as new...
SHMI yells from inside the hovel.
SHMI: Annie! I'm not going to tell you again!
KATHERINE: Has any mom ever said those words and backed them up?
QUI-GON scrapes ANAKIN's blood onto a comlink chip.
ANAKIN: What are you doing?
WILL: "Uhhh... cleaning your blood off my hand with my metallic sponge."
QUI-GON: Checking your blood for infections. Go on, you have a big day tomorrow.
WILL: And it's gonna be the best Christmas ever...
ANAKIN rolls his eyes and runs into the hovel. QUI-GON takes the blood-stained chip and inserts it into the comlink, then calls OBI-WAN.
TIM: "My comlink chip ain't workin'. I think I got it dirty or somethin'."
QUI-GON: Make an analysis of this blood sample I'm sending you. I need a midi-chlorian count. OBI-WAN: All right. I've got it. The reading's off the chart... over twenty thousand. Even Master Yoda doesn't have a midi-chlorian count that high!
TIM: "'Course, he's kinda old and can't count so good."
QUI-GON: No Jedi has. OBI-WAN: What does it mean? QUI-GON: I'm not sure.
The JEDI KNIGHT looks up and sees SHMI in the doorway watching him.
WILL: "It's okay. This still isn't a comlink."
Embarrassed, she goes back into the kitchen while QUI-GON ponders the situation.
KATHERINE: Dammit, Shmi, don't walk away! You think you're going to get another chance like this? Don't DO this to me!
EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT MESA-NIGHT
The sinister-looking Sith spacecraft lands on top of a desert mesa at dusk. DARTH MAUL walks to the edge of the mesa and studies the landscape with a pair of electrobinoculars. He picks out the lights of three different cities in the distance, then pushes buttons on his electronic armband. Six football-sized PROBE DROIDS float out of the ship and head off in three different directions toward the cities. DARTH MAUL stands on the mesa and watches them through his electrobinoculars.
WILL: "Ahhh, I always enjoy birdwatching before I make my kill... wait. This planet doesn't have birds!"
The hangar is a large building with a dozen or so Podracers being readied for the race. ALIEN CREWS and PILOTS rush about, making last minute fixes on their vehicles. WATTO, QUI-GON, and JAR JAR walk through the activity.
WATTO: ...I want to see your spaceship the moment the race is over.
WILL: Okay, we'll fly low on the way out.
QUI-GON: Patience, my blue friend. You'll have your winnings before the suns set, and we'll be far away from here.
TIM: Oo, Kath, another racial slur! He's sayin' blue guys are impatient! I think we need ta organize a blue-guy picket line! We'll march on Washington an' free the slaves!
WATTO: Not if your ship belongs to me, I think... I warn you, no funny business. QUI-GON: You don't think Anakin will win? WATTO: Don't get me wrong. I have great faith in the boy. He's a credit to your race, but Sebulba there is going to win, I think.
WATTO stops before an orange racer. Sitting to one side, having his neck and shoulders massaged by TWIN YOBANAS, is SEBULBA. JAR JAR recognizes him immediately and cowers behind QUI-GON.
TIM (starts singing): Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can, is he strong? Listen, bud, he's got radioactive blood- [Will hits him.]
QUI-GON: Why? WATTO: He always wins. (laughs) I'm betting heavily on Sebulba.
KATHERINE: But if Sebulba always wins, how come everyone's so frenzied and excited about the race?
WILL: The outer rim doesn't get cable.
QUI-GON: I'll take that bet. WATTO: (suddenly stops laughing) What??!! What do you mean?
TIM: He means, "Mesa taken dat bet."
QUI-GON: I'll wager my new racing Pod against... say... the boy and his mother. WATTO: No Pod's worth two slaves, not by a long shot. QUI-GON: The boy, then.
WATTO considers, then pulls out a small cube from his pocket.
WATTO: We'll let fate decide. I have a chance cube here...
WILL: And coincidentally it looks just like a six-sided die with the sides bussed and painted! Couldn't they have gone to a role-playing store and picked up a ten-sider, just to SEEM exotic and alien to MOST people? Were they THAT far over budget?
WATTO: Blue it's the boy, red his mother...
TIM: I call edge!
WATTO tosses the cube down. QUI-GON lifts his hand slightly: it turns up blue.
KATHERINE: I didn't know Jedi knew how to be this devious!
WILL: It's so disappointing.
KATHERINE: You're kidding, right? Qui-Gon's the first Jedi I've seen who knows how the real world really works!
QUI-GON smiles. WATTO is angry.
WATTO: (Cont'd) You won the small toss, outlander! But you won't win the race, so it makes no difference!
KATHERINE: "Well, okay. Glad we're kewl, then."
ANAKIN and PADME enter the hangar on one of the EOPIES, pulling an engine. KITSTER, on the other EOPIE, is pulling another engine. With THREEPIO walking alongside, ARTOO trundles behind, pulling the Pod with SHMI sitting in it. WATTO passes ANAKIN as he leaves.
TIM: Y'know, we never see Shmi do any actual slavin'. Or any work whatsoever. What's the deal? Watto only like little boys or somethin'?
WATTO: (Cont'd) (subtitled) Bonapa keesa pateeso, o wanna meetee chobodd. (Better stop your friend's betting, or I'll end up owning him, too.)
WATTO flies off laughing.
KATHERINE: Manic depression is a problem in over 17% of large gambling hummingbirds...
ANAKIN: What did he mean by that? QUI-GON: I'll tell you later.
WILL (as Qui-Gon): "Like, as soon as I learn Huttese."
ARTOO beeps at THREEPIO.
THREEPIO: Oh my! Space travel sounds rather perilous.
ARTOO emits a series of beeps.
TIM: What a potty-mouthed... potty!
THREEPIO: I can assure you they will never get me onto one of those dreadful starships!
WILL: Oooo. Irony.
KITSTER: (to Anakin) This is so wizard!
KATHERINE: Jeepers, it sure is! "Yippee!"
KITSTER: I'm sure you'll do it this time, Annie. PADME: Do what? KITSTER: Finish the race, of course! PADME: You've never won a race? ANAKIN: Well... not exactly... PADME: Not even finished?! ANAKIN: Kitster's right, this time I will.
KATHERINE: "Yippee!" And you still wonder why I prefer Qui-Gon?
QUI-GON puts his hands on ANAKIN's shoulders, showing support.
QUI-GON: Of course you will.
WILL: Yes, okay, I know. But older fans should look past this kid-movie stuff...
PADME looks at both of them doubtfully.
WILL: The innocence of his youth is what makes the tragedy of his fall hurt so much.
[There follows a big race scene. If we described it shot by shot, we'd just give you a headache, Jabba the Hutt shows up and starts the race by biting off a frog's head and spitting it against a gong. A really high-speed race gets going that looks a little like the end run in STAR WARS: Episode IV, and it looks for a while like Sebulba's going to win, but then Anakin does. So it loses something in the retelling. You were expecting a Terry Brooks passage? We pick up as Annie's family and old and new friends swarm around him.]
SHMI: It's so wondertul, Annie. You have brought hope to those who have none. PADME: We owe you everything.
TIM (panting): Woo. I mean... woo. Even I kinda like the kid right now. That scene made Ben Hur look sick.
WILL: You can call him on logic, you can call him on characterization, you can call him on comic relief... but nobody calls Lucas on an action sequence.
TIM: Woo.
EXT. MOS ESPA-ARENA-ROYAL BOX-DAY (FX)
Someone has to wake JABBA to inform him that the race is over.
WILL: Kathy? You're awful quiet.
KATHERINE: Huh? WHA? I... I was just uh... thinking with my eyes closed.
INT. MOS ESPA-ARENA-PRIVATE BOX-DAY
Several ALIENS leave Watto's box, laughing and counting their money.
WILL ("The Count"): One credit! Two credits! Three credits! Ah, ah, ah!"
WATTO sees QUI-GON standing in the doorway.
TIM: "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "... I still can't pronounce it."
WATTO: You! You swindled me! You knew the boy was going to win! Somehow you knew it! I lost everything.
KATHERINE: "Except the boy's mom... and the junk shop... and most of my merchandise... so actually, I'm doing all right... but I want some pity, blast it!"
WATTO flies up to QUI-GON and put his face right up against QUI-GON's. QUI-GON simply smiles.
WILL: Nothing simple about that smile.
QUI-GON: Whenever you gamble, my friend, eventually you'll lose.
WILL: "Because eventually, you'll come up against a more ruthless bastard than you are."
KATHERINE: That's actually a moral I can live with.
QUI-GON: Bring the parts to the main hangar. I'll come by your shop later so you can release the boy. WATTO: You can't have him! It wasn't a fair bet! QUI-GON: Perhaps you'd like to discuss it with the Hutts? I'm sure they can settle this.
WILL: And command you to reach a settlement... maybe one in the bottom of the ocean...
KATHERINE: Okay, I think we've explored all the variations on that one.
At the mention of the HUTTS, the fight goes out of WATTO.
WATTO: Take him.
TIM: Sexually suggestive line #15!
WILL: You're skipping a few numbers.
TIM: So ya HAVE been payin' attention!
EXT. TATOOINE-DESERT-NABOO SPACECRAFT-DAY
ARTOO cruises ahead of QUI-GON and PADME, who are riding one of the EOPIES. JAR JAR rides the other. They stop in front of the sleek Naboo spacecraft. OBI-WAN comes out of the ship and joins them.
WILL: You know, it's amazing that a little droid on tank treads can outpace desert-horses five or six times its size. On sand, even!
QUI-GON: Start getting this hyperdrive generator installed. I'm going back... some unfinished business. I won't be long. OBI-WAN: Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic life form... ?
WILL: No, Threepio and Bibble are pathetic. Anakin is merely irritating as nails on chalkboard. Jar Jar manages to be both.
KATHERINE: Obi's still young. His senses miss things.
QUI-GON: It's the boy who's responsible for getting us those parts.
Farther down the street QUI-GON and ANAKIN head toward Anakin's hovel. QUI-GON takes a handful of credits from beneath his poncho and hands them to the boy.
QUI-GON: These are yours. We sold the Pod. ANAKIN: (suddenly beaming) All right!
WILL: Then we swindled Donald Trump and made him cry like a baby.
INT. ANAKEWS HOVEL-MAIN ROOM-DAY
SHMI is cleaning up as ANAKIN bursts through the door, followed by QUI-GON.
ANAKIN: Mom, he sold the Pod. Look at all the money we have!
TIM: Here's your money! (waves his fingers in the air)
WILL: Did they even tell the Skywalkers they were going to sell it?