We followed a few of the characters from FAANS: The Comic Book into a crowded theater during their seventh viewing of the film, and jotted down all their commentaries.
Please note, this page is not for profit in any way, shape, or form, and is done in the spirit of the many other MiSTings floating around the Net, as half tribute, half satire. Still, if Lucasfilm et al. have a problem with it and make this problem known, we will remove it immediately.
And now... let the heckles begin...
The theater is huge, and nearly full. KATHERINE, WILL, and TIM file in just as the previews are ending.
WILL: Oh, God, we mistimed it! We're too early!
KATHERINE: Don't worry. A realist prepares for things to go wrong. Put the plugs in. Quickly.
Will and Katherine put on earplugs. Tim just cradles his hands behind his head and relaxes.
TIM: Wimps.
A mighty blast of sound blows several people out of their seats. On the screen appear the words: THX: THE AUDIENCE IS LISTENING. Katherine and Will remove their plugs as their seats stop vibrating.
EXT. SPACE (FX)
TITLE CARD: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
TIM: Aw, damn. We musta got inta "A NEW HOPE" by mistake. C'mon, let's go.
A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop to the main title, followed by a roll-up, which crawls into infinity.
EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly BATTLESHIPS, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
WILL: If it's a small planet, why isn't there lighter gravity? As a matter of fact, has there EVER been non-Earth gravity on ANY of the Star Wars planets?
TIM: Hee, hee. "Naboo." Every time I say it, I just... (hee hee hee)
WILL: I don't know why I hang out with people who have no respect for the important issues.
While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...
KATHERINE: The Jedi motto: "Spread peace and understanding, and don't be afraid to shish kebab the BAD people."
PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the beautiful green planet of Naboo, which is surrounded by Trade Federation BATTLESHIPS.
INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT
In the cockpit of the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver closer to one of the BATTLESHIPS.
QUI-GON: (off-screen voice) Captain.
WILL: ...Kirk.
TIM: ...Kangaroo.
KATHERINE: ...and Tenille.
The CAPTAIN turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?
QUI-GON (V.O.): Tell them we wish to board at once.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.
The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.
CAPTAIN (Cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.
WILL: That was her whole role, wasn't it?
KATHERINE: And now she won't be able to go anywhere without being mobbed by fans.
NUTE: Yes, yes, of course... ahhh... as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we would be happy to receive ambassadors...
KATHERINE: Should we be worried because the Neimoidian accent sounds vaguely Chinese? Is Lucas sending a message or--?
WILL: Don't go there.
The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister BATTLESHIP looms ever closer.
TIM: Loom... LOOOOOOM...
EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE (FX)
The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of the Federation BATTLESHIP.
TIM: Tray tables in yer upright positions, and thanks for flyin' "Doomed Airlines."
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE (FX)
A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking bay.
TIM: Knock knock. Who's there? TC-14. TC-14 who? TC-14A6-73! Ha! Get it? No? Guess ya gotta be an android.
The door opens, and two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.
WILL (as TC-14): To please your eyes, I have been modeled after the most desired and unattainable thing in a Star Wars movie: an Academy Award.
TC-14: I'm TC-14 at your service. This way, please.
They move off down the hallway.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM
TC-14: I hope your honored sirs will be most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly.
The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI-GON JINN, and backs out the door as it closes. The JEDI doff their hoods and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo. QUI-GON, sixty years old, has very long white hair in a ponytail. He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. OBI-WAN is twenty-five, with very short brown hair, pale skin, and blue eyes.
OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.
ALL: "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?" "I DID SAY SO BEFORE!"
QUI-GON: I don't sense anything.
KATHERINE: He must have listened to them testing the sound system.
OBI-WAN: It's not about the mission, Master, it's something... elsewhere... elusive...
KATHERINE: Foreshadowed... ominous... but vague...
WILL (as Obi-Wan): "I keep hearing cello music, walking under ladders, and my 8-ball says 'Outlook not so good... '"
QUI-GON: Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.
TIM: All RIGHT! I just found the first sexually suggestive line in th'movie.
OBI-WAN: Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...
QUI-GON: ...but not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan.
WILL: Isn't he "OBI-Wan?"
KATHERINE: Maybe that's a title he gets later in life. You know, like people don't start calling you "ma'am" until you get to be my age or so.
WILL: I thought "ma'am" started when you started looking more like a mom than a kid.
KATHERINE: I don't like the direction this conversation is going.
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master... How do you think this trade viceroy deal with the Chancellor's demands?
QUI-GON: These Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.
TIM: Yeah, stinkin' Federation. Couldn't even fight fair with those Dominion guys.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE
NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTAY OOFINE stand, stunned, before TC-14.
NUTE: (shaken) What? What did you say?
TC-14: The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.
WILL: "I could tell because they were wearing... hoods."
DOFINE: I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement, eh. Blind me, we're done for!
KATHERINE: You know, Lucasfilm probably has a technology that COULD blind you...
WILL: Let it go, dear.
NUTE: Stay calm! I'll wager the Senate isn't aware of the Supreme Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract them until I can contact Lord Sidious.
TIM: "Sidious." Rhymes with "Hideous." An' "Perfidious." I feel a song comin' on...
DOFINE: Are you brain dead? I'm not going in there with two Jedi! Send the droid.
DOFINE turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.
WILL: "I think you should know that I'm feeling very depressed."
FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN sit at the large conference table.
OBI-WAN: Is it their nature to make us wait this long?
TIM: Not unless they're women.
KATHERINE: If the usher asks, Tim, I don't know you.
The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters with a tray of drinks and food.
QUI-GON: No... I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute.
WILL (as TC-14): "Oh, that's just me, sir. I'm a triviaphobe. It's a terrible embarrassment at parties. Whenever anyone breaks out that 'STAR WARS' game with the little pie pieces, I run screaming."
OBI-WAN takes a drink.
TIM: "Whenever a Jedi master does some foreshadowin', take a drink."
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE
NUTE, DOFINE, and RUNE HAAKO are before the hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.
TIM: Whoa! So he's gotta be... a Jedi! Which do ya think he is, Qui-Gon or Obi-Wan? Or maybe he's just a really tall Jawa...
DOFINE: ...This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious. The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these Jedi.
TIM: "They might release the negatives of our slumber party with the Gorn."
DARTH SIDIOUS: Viceroy! I don't want this stunted slime in my sight again... do you understand?
KATHERINE: We could always blind you.
WILL: The joke has run its course, Katherine.
NUTE: Yes, My Lord.
Exit DOFINE.
DARTH SIDIOUS: This turn of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops.
NUTE: Ahhh, My Lord, is that.. legal?
KATHERINE: We assembled this humongous army at hideous expense and positioned it directly over the planet, but before we can use it to take the planet and kill thousands, we HAVE to know: is that legal?
DARTH SIDIOUS: I will make it legal.
NUTE: And the Jedi?
DARTH SIDIOUS: The Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them, immediately.
NUTE: Ye... yes, My Lord. As you wish.
TIM: Wait a minute. This frog-like space creature's name is "Newt Gun-Ray?" That's worthy a' me!
WILL: We know.
KATHERINE: Wait... Newt... and... Ray... Gun... poking a little fun at our political leaders, Mr. Lucas? Naughty, naughty.
INT. the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT look up and see a gun turret swing around and point directly at them.
PILOT: Captain!? Look!!
KATHERINE: It might be his only line, but damn if he doesn't put conviction into it.
EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HANGAR BAY-SPACE (FX)
The BATTLESHIP gun fires. The republic cruiser EXPLODES.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN leap to a standing position with their laser swords drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling its drinks.
WILL: "No, please don't kill me! I didn't KNOW it was clear Pepsi!"
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn off their swords and listen intently. A faint hissing sound can be heard.
TIM: "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."
QUI-GON: Gas!
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN each take a deep breath and hold it.
TIM: That's kinda stupid with the gas already in the room.
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY
A hologram of NUTE, surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS, appears in the conference room hallway.
NUTE: They must be dead by now. Blast what's left of them.
WILL: Not like they're scared or anything. Just, you know. Thorough.
The hologram fades off as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room. BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of the smoke. It is TC-14, carrying the tray of drinks.
TC-14: Oh, excuse me, so sorry.
The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp.
OWO-2: Go in, General. We'll cover you.
KATHERINE: Of course, if our covering fire accidentally blows you up, I'll weep openly at my promotion.
Two flashing laser swords activate in the deadly fog.
OWO-1: Uh-oh.
WILL: Uh huh.
The JEDI begin cutting a swath through the BATTLE DROIDS.
TIM: "Ouch." "Ouch." "Ouch."
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE
The bridge is a cacophony of alarms. RUNE gives NUTE a worried look.
NUTE: What is going on down there?
RUNE: Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?
NUTE: Well, not exactly, but I don't... (imperative) Seal off the bridge...
RUNE: That won't be enough, sir...
TIM: Then sign it! Deliver it! Use Federal Express! Whatever it takes!
The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.
NUTE: I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!
RUNE: We will not survive this.
WILL: You know, Rune's about as down on life as Dofine was. Is Sidious going to know the difference? "I told you to get that stunted slime out of my sight!" "No, my Lord, this is different stunted slime."
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE
QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower of sparks and metal parts. OBI-WAN raises his hand, sending several BATTLE DROIDS crashing into the wall.
KATHERINE: This is the sound of one hand clapping.
QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut through it.
TIM: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "I'd tell ya, but I can't remember how to pronounce my own name."
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE
The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying around the bridge door. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.
NUTE: Close the blast doors!!
The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON stabs the door with his sword. The screens go black as a red spot appears in the center of the blast door.
WILL: "Will theth Jehovah's witnetheth thtop at nothing?"
RUNE: ...They're still coming through!
On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.
NUTE: Impossible!! This is impossible!!
RUNE: Where are those destroyer droids?!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE
Two ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at full speed. OBI-WAN warns QUI-GON, distracting him from the door.
TIM: We are the karaoke balls of doooom... ee hee hee...
OBI-WAN: Destroyer droids!
The WHEEL DROIDS, just before they get to the bridge area, stop and transform into their battle configuration.
WILL: Oh my God, they're Autobots gone bad! Those bastards!
They generate localized force-fields and begin blasting away with their laser guns. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON deflect the shots with their laser swords, but even the droids' own deflected shots have little effect on their shields.
OBI-WAN: They have shield generators!
QUI-GON: It's a standoff! Let's go!
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE
NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen as the WHEEL DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.
NUTE: Ah, they're no match for destroyer droids.
WILL: But... Quee-Gone, or however you pronounce it, said it was a standoff.
KATHERINE: I think we're seeing bias on both sides here.
TEY HOW: Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.
WILL: "What? But that route is reserved for Santa Claus! Have they no shame?"
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-MAIN BAY
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN appear at a large vent in a giant hangar bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of BATTLE DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.
QUI-GON: Battle droids.
KATHERINE: They actually prefer to be called "paramilitary robotic citizens."
OBI-WAN: It's an invasion army.
QUI-GON: This is an odd play for the Trade Federation.
KATHERINE: "It's one of Shakespeare's later works, the ones critics like but no one else can stand."
QUI-GON: We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum.
TIM: "Naboo." Hee hee hee.
QUI-GON: We'll split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.
OBI-WAN: You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.
TIM: "On everything else, well, your predictions kinda sucked tit. Master."
INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE
TEY HOW receives a transmission.
TIM: And how.
TEY HOW: Sir, a transmission from the planet.
TIM: They say "how."
RUNE: It's Queen Amidala herself.
WILL: "Or maybe it's one of her 1,000,000 handmaidens. Hard to be sure."
NUTE: At last we're getting results.
On the view screen, QUEEN AMIDALA appears in her throne room, wearing her elaborate headdress and robes.
WILL: Kind of looks like another card in the deck, doesn't she?
NUTE: (Cont'd) Again you come before me, Your Highness.
TIM: Yes! Sexually suggestive line #2! Woo, that's a hot one!
AMIDALA: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.
NUTE: I was not aware of such a failure.
WILL (Valley Girl voice): "Well, dur!! That's like, why I'm tellin' yew!"
AMIDALA: I have word that the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement.
KATHERINE: Divorce is an ugly thing, especially when it spills into interplanetary politics.
NUTE: I know nothing about any Ambassadors... you must be mistaken.
AMIDALA, surprised at his reaction, studies him carefully.
WILL: "I wonder: if I kiss him, does he turn into a prince or do I turn into a frog?"
AMIDALA: Beware, Viceroy... the Federation is going too far this time.
WILL: What does "Viceroy" actually mean, Katherine? "King of Vice?"
KATHERINE: Literally, no. In practice... often enough.
NUTE: We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate. You assume too much.
AMIDALA: We will see.
The QUEEN slides off and the view screen goes black.
RUNE: She's right, the Senate will never...
NUTE: It's too late now.
RUNE: Do you think she suspects an attack?
NUTE: I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there.
KATHERINE: Try broadcasting a bogus "Star Wars Episode II" trailer.
INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM
The QUEEN, her handmaidens EIRTAE and SACHE, and her Governor, SIO BIBBLE, sit around a hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly man.
KATHERINE: Ever since they got the holoprojector, the family never talks anymore.
PALPATINE: ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor... his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be the... get... negotiate...
The hologram of PALPATINE sputters and fades away.
TIM: This holotransmission has been almost brought to you by UPN.
AMIDALA: Senator Palpatine? (turns to Panaka) What's happening?
CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to his SERGEANT.
SIO BIBBLE: A communications disruption can only mean one thing.
TIM: Kids playin' on the satellite dish.
WILL: Football season.
KATHERINE: It means "we can't communicate."
SIO BIBBLE: Invasion.
AMIDALA: The Federation would not dare go that far. We must continue to rely on negotiation.
BIBBLE: Negotiation? We've lost all communications!...
KATHERINE: Well, not all. You can still speak. And read subtitles.
CAPT. PANAKA: This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match for the Federation army.
AMIDALA: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.
WILL: Didn't she read the title?
KATHERINE: Well, we couldn't find any "Phantom Menace" in the movie, so maybe she thought there wouldn't be a "Star War" either.
TIM: Of course ya can't find a Phantom Menace in the movie! That's why it's a "PHANTOM Menace." Get it?
EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT-DAY (FX)
Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet Naboo.
KATHERINE: There go the property values.
EXT. NABOO SWAMP SHALLOW LAKE -DAY
One by one, the Federation warships land in the forest. The droid invasion force moves into a grassy plain. OOM-9, in his tank, looks out over the vast ARMY marching across the rolling hills.
WILL: The droids are marching 37 by 37, hur-RAH, hur-RAH...