Welcome...
... to FAANS's unofficial Star Wars I:
The Phantom Menace
MiSTing!

We followed a few of the characters from FAANS: The Comic Book into a crowded theater during their seventh viewing of the film, and jotted down all their commentaries. Please note, this page is not for profit in any way, shape, or form, and is done in the spirit of the many other MiSTings floating around the Net, as half tribute, half satire. Still, if Lucasfilm et al. have a problem with it and make this problem known, we will remove it immediately.

And now... let the heckles begin...


The theater is huge, and nearly full. KATHERINE, WILL, and TIM file in just as the previews are ending.

WILL: Oh, God, we mistimed it! We're too early!
KATHERINE: Don't worry. A realist prepares for things to go wrong. Put the plugs in. Quickly.

Will and Katherine put on earplugs. Tim just cradles his hands behind his head and relaxes.

TIM: Wimps.

A mighty blast of sound blows several people out of their seats. On the screen appear the words: THX: THE AUDIENCE IS LISTENING. Katherine and Will remove their plugs as their seats stop vibrating.

EXT. SPACE (FX)
TITLE CARD: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

TIM: Aw, damn. We musta got inta "A NEW HOPE" by mistake. C'mon, let's go.

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop to the main title, followed by a roll-up, which crawls into infinity.

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly BATTLESHIPS, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

WILL: If it's a small planet, why isn't there lighter gravity? As a matter of fact, has there EVER been non-Earth gravity on ANY of the Star Wars planets?
TIM: Hee, hee. "Naboo." Every time I say it, I just... (hee hee hee)
WILL: I don't know why I hang out with people who have no respect for the important issues.

While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...

KATHERINE: The Jedi motto: "Spread peace and understanding, and don't be afraid to shish kebab the BAD people."

PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the beautiful green planet of Naboo, which is surrounded by Trade Federation BATTLESHIPS.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver closer to one of the BATTLESHIPS.

QUI-GON: (off-screen voice) Captain.

WILL: ...Kirk.
TIM: ...Kangaroo.
KATHERINE: ...and Tenille.

The CAPTAIN turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?
QUI-GON (V.O.): Tell them we wish to board at once.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.

The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN (Cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.

WILL: That was her whole role, wasn't it?
KATHERINE: And now she won't be able to go anywhere without being mobbed by fans.

NUTE: Yes, yes, of course... ahhh... as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we would be happy to receive ambassadors...

KATHERINE: Should we be worried because the Neimoidian accent sounds vaguely Chinese? Is Lucas sending a message or--?
WILL: Don't go there.

The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister BATTLESHIP looms ever closer.

TIM: Loom... LOOOOOOM...

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE (FX)

The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of the Federation BATTLESHIP.

TIM: Tray tables in yer upright positions, and thanks for flyin' "Doomed Airlines."

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE (FX)

A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking bay.

TIM: Knock knock. Who's there? TC-14. TC-14 who? TC-14A6-73! Ha! Get it? No? Guess ya gotta be an android.

The door opens, and two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.

WILL (as TC-14): To please your eyes, I have been modeled after the most desired and unattainable thing in a Star Wars movie: an Academy Award.

TC-14: I'm TC-14 at your service. This way, please.

They move off down the hallway.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

TC-14: I hope your honored sirs will be most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly.

The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI-GON JINN, and backs out the door as it closes. The JEDI doff their hoods and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo. QUI-GON, sixty years old, has very long white hair in a ponytail. He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. OBI-WAN is twenty-five, with very short brown hair, pale skin, and blue eyes.

OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

ALL: "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE?" "I DID SAY SO BEFORE!"

QUI-GON: I don't sense anything.

KATHERINE: He must have listened to them testing the sound system.

OBI-WAN: It's not about the mission, Master, it's something... elsewhere... elusive...

KATHERINE: Foreshadowed... ominous... but vague...
WILL (as Obi-Wan): "I keep hearing cello music, walking under ladders, and my 8-ball says 'Outlook not so good... '"

QUI-GON: Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.

TIM: All RIGHT! I just found the first sexually suggestive line in th'movie.

OBI-WAN: Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...
QUI-GON: ...but not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan.

WILL: Isn't he "OBI-Wan?"
KATHERINE: Maybe that's a title he gets later in life. You know, like people don't start calling you "ma'am" until you get to be my age or so.
WILL: I thought "ma'am" started when you started looking more like a mom than a kid.
KATHERINE: I don't like the direction this conversation is going.

OBI-WAN: Yes, Master... How do you think this trade viceroy deal with the Chancellor's demands?
QUI-GON: These Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.

TIM: Yeah, stinkin' Federation. Couldn't even fight fair with those Dominion guys.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTAY OOFINE stand, stunned, before TC-14.

NUTE: (shaken) What? What did you say?
TC-14: The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.

WILL: "I could tell because they were wearing... hoods."

DOFINE: I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement, eh. Blind me, we're done for!

KATHERINE: You know, Lucasfilm probably has a technology that COULD blind you...
WILL: Let it go, dear.

NUTE: Stay calm! I'll wager the Senate isn't aware of the Supreme Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract them until I can contact Lord Sidious.

TIM: "Sidious." Rhymes with "Hideous." An' "Perfidious." I feel a song comin' on...

DOFINE: Are you brain dead? I'm not going in there with two Jedi! Send the droid.

DOFINE turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.

WILL: "I think you should know that I'm feeling very depressed."

FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN sit at the large conference table.

OBI-WAN: Is it their nature to make us wait this long?

TIM: Not unless they're women.
KATHERINE: If the usher asks, Tim, I don't know you.

The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters with a tray of drinks and food.

QUI-GON: No... I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute.

WILL (as TC-14): "Oh, that's just me, sir. I'm a triviaphobe. It's a terrible embarrassment at parties. Whenever anyone breaks out that 'STAR WARS' game with the little pie pieces, I run screaming."

OBI-WAN takes a drink.

TIM: "Whenever a Jedi master does some foreshadowin', take a drink."

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE, DOFINE, and RUNE HAAKO are before the hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.

TIM: Whoa! So he's gotta be... a Jedi! Which do ya think he is, Qui-Gon or Obi-Wan? Or maybe he's just a really tall Jawa...

DOFINE: ...This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious. The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these Jedi.

TIM: "They might release the negatives of our slumber party with the Gorn."

DARTH SIDIOUS: Viceroy! I don't want this stunted slime in my sight again... do you understand?

KATHERINE: We could always blind you.
WILL: The joke has run its course, Katherine.

NUTE: Yes, My Lord.

Exit DOFINE.
DARTH SIDIOUS: This turn of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops.
NUTE: Ahhh, My Lord, is that.. legal?

KATHERINE: We assembled this humongous army at hideous expense and positioned it directly over the planet, but before we can use it to take the planet and kill thousands, we HAVE to know: is that legal?

DARTH SIDIOUS: I will make it legal.
NUTE: And the Jedi?
DARTH SIDIOUS: The Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them, immediately.
NUTE: Ye... yes, My Lord. As you wish.

TIM: Wait a minute. This frog-like space creature's name is "Newt Gun-Ray?" That's worthy a' me!
WILL: We know.
KATHERINE: Wait... Newt... and... Ray... Gun... poking a little fun at our political leaders, Mr. Lucas? Naughty, naughty.

INT. the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT look up and see a gun turret swing around and point directly at them.

PILOT: Captain!? Look!!

KATHERINE: It might be his only line, but damn if he doesn't put conviction into it.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HANGAR BAY-SPACE (FX)

The BATTLESHIP gun fires. The republic cruiser EXPLODES.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN leap to a standing position with their laser swords drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling its drinks.

WILL: "No, please don't kill me! I didn't KNOW it was clear Pepsi!"

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn off their swords and listen intently. A faint hissing sound can be heard.

TIM: "Whoever smelt it, dealt it."

QUI-GON: Gas!

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN each take a deep breath and hold it.

TIM: That's kinda stupid with the gas already in the room.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY

A hologram of NUTE, surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS, appears in the conference room hallway.

NUTE: They must be dead by now. Blast what's left of them.

WILL: Not like they're scared or anything. Just, you know. Thorough.

The hologram fades off as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room. BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of the smoke. It is TC-14, carrying the tray of drinks.

TC-14: Oh, excuse me, so sorry.

The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp.

OWO-2: Go in, General. We'll cover you.

KATHERINE: Of course, if our covering fire accidentally blows you up, I'll weep openly at my promotion.

Two flashing laser swords activate in the deadly fog.

OWO-1: Uh-oh.

WILL: Uh huh.

The JEDI begin cutting a swath through the BATTLE DROIDS.

TIM: "Ouch." "Ouch." "Ouch."

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

The bridge is a cacophony of alarms. RUNE gives NUTE a worried look.

NUTE: What is going on down there?
RUNE: Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?
NUTE: Well, not exactly, but I don't... (imperative) Seal off the bridge...
RUNE: That won't be enough, sir...

TIM: Then sign it! Deliver it! Use Federal Express! Whatever it takes!

The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.

NUTE: I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!
RUNE: We will not survive this.

WILL: You know, Rune's about as down on life as Dofine was. Is Sidious going to know the difference? "I told you to get that stunted slime out of my sight!" "No, my Lord, this is different stunted slime."

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE

QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower of sparks and metal parts. OBI-WAN raises his hand, sending several BATTLE DROIDS crashing into the wall.

KATHERINE: This is the sound of one hand clapping.

QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut through it.

TIM: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "I'd tell ya, but I can't remember how to pronounce my own name."

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying around the bridge door. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.

NUTE: Close the blast doors!!

The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound as the huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON stabs the door with his sword. The screens go black as a red spot appears in the center of the blast door.

WILL: "Will theth Jehovah's witnetheth thtop at nothing?"

RUNE: ...They're still coming through!

On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.

NUTE: Impossible!! This is impossible!!
RUNE: Where are those destroyer droids?!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Two ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at full speed. OBI-WAN warns QUI-GON, distracting him from the door.

TIM: We are the karaoke balls of doooom... ee hee hee...

OBI-WAN: Destroyer droids!

The WHEEL DROIDS, just before they get to the bridge area, stop and transform into their battle configuration.

WILL: Oh my God, they're Autobots gone bad! Those bastards!

They generate localized force-fields and begin blasting away with their laser guns. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON deflect the shots with their laser swords, but even the droids' own deflected shots have little effect on their shields.

OBI-WAN: They have shield generators!
QUI-GON: It's a standoff! Let's go!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen as the WHEEL DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.

NUTE: Ah, they're no match for destroyer droids.

WILL: But... Quee-Gone, or however you pronounce it, said it was a standoff.
KATHERINE: I think we're seeing bias on both sides here.

TEY HOW: Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.

WILL: "What? But that route is reserved for Santa Claus! Have they no shame?"

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-MAIN BAY

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN appear at a large vent in a giant hangar bay. They are careful not to be seen. Thousands of BATTLE DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.

QUI-GON: Battle droids.

KATHERINE: They actually prefer to be called "paramilitary robotic citizens."

OBI-WAN: It's an invasion army.
QUI-GON: This is an odd play for the Trade Federation.

KATHERINE: "It's one of Shakespeare's later works, the ones critics like but no one else can stand."

QUI-GON: We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum.

TIM: "Naboo." Hee hee hee.

QUI-GON: We'll split up. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.
OBI-WAN: You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.

TIM: "On everything else, well, your predictions kinda sucked tit. Master."

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

TEY HOW receives a transmission.

TIM: And how.

TEY HOW: Sir, a transmission from the planet.

TIM: They say "how."

RUNE: It's Queen Amidala herself.

WILL: "Or maybe it's one of her 1,000,000 handmaidens. Hard to be sure."

NUTE: At last we're getting results.

On the view screen, QUEEN AMIDALA appears in her throne room, wearing her elaborate headdress and robes.

WILL: Kind of looks like another card in the deck, doesn't she?

NUTE: (Cont'd) Again you come before me, Your Highness.

TIM: Yes! Sexually suggestive line #2! Woo, that's a hot one!

AMIDALA: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy. Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.
NUTE: I was not aware of such a failure.

WILL (Valley Girl voice): "Well, dur!! That's like, why I'm tellin' yew!"

AMIDALA: I have word that the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a settlement.

KATHERINE: Divorce is an ugly thing, especially when it spills into interplanetary politics.

NUTE: I know nothing about any Ambassadors... you must be mistaken.

AMIDALA, surprised at his reaction, studies him carefully.

WILL: "I wonder: if I kiss him, does he turn into a prince or do I turn into a frog?"

AMIDALA: Beware, Viceroy... the Federation is going too far this time.

WILL: What does "Viceroy" actually mean, Katherine? "King of Vice?"
KATHERINE: Literally, no. In practice... often enough.

NUTE: We would never do anything without the approval of the Senate. You assume too much.
AMIDALA: We will see.

The QUEEN slides off and the view screen goes black.

RUNE: She's right, the Senate will never...
NUTE: It's too late now.
RUNE: Do you think she suspects an attack?
NUTE: I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there.

KATHERINE: Try broadcasting a bogus "Star Wars Episode II" trailer.

INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM

The QUEEN, her handmaidens EIRTAE and SACHE, and her Governor, SIO BIBBLE, sit around a hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly man.

KATHERINE: Ever since they got the holoprojector, the family never talks anymore.

PALPATINE: ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor... his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be the... get... negotiate...

The hologram of PALPATINE sputters and fades away.

TIM: This holotransmission has been almost brought to you by UPN.

AMIDALA: Senator Palpatine? (turns to Panaka) What's happening?

CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to his SERGEANT.

SIO BIBBLE: A communications disruption can only mean one thing.

TIM: Kids playin' on the satellite dish.
WILL: Football season.
KATHERINE: It means "we can't communicate."

SIO BIBBLE: Invasion.
AMIDALA: The Federation would not dare go that far. We must continue to rely on negotiation.
BIBBLE: Negotiation? We've lost all communications!...

KATHERINE: Well, not all. You can still speak. And read subtitles.

CAPT. PANAKA: This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match for the Federation army.
AMIDALA: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

WILL: Didn't she read the title?
KATHERINE: Well, we couldn't find any "Phantom Menace" in the movie, so maybe she thought there wouldn't be a "Star War" either.
TIM: Of course ya can't find a Phantom Menace in the movie! That's why it's a "PHANTOM Menace." Get it?

EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT-DAY (FX)

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet Naboo.

KATHERINE: There go the property values.

EXT. NABOO SWAMP SHALLOW LAKE -DAY

One by one, the Federation warships land in the forest. The droid invasion force moves into a grassy plain. OOM-9, in his tank, looks out over the vast ARMY marching across the rolling hills.

WILL: The droids are marching 37 by 37, hur-RAH, hur-RAH...

A small hologram of RUNE and NUTE stands on the tank.

WILL: We've disrupted all communications on the planet's surface. Er, I mean, "squawkkkkkkkkkkkkk."

RUNE: ...There is no trace of the Jedi. They may have gotten onto one of your landing craft.
OOM-9: If they're down here, sir, we'll find them.
NUTE: Use caution. These Jedi are not to be underestimated.

WILL (as OOM-9): "Hey. I said we'd find them, not fight them."

EXT. NABOO SWAMP-DAY

QUI-GON runs through the strange landscape, glancing back to see the monstrous troop transports emerging from the mist.

KATHERINE: Eventually, they accept him as one of them, these... "troop transports in the mist."
WILL: How come this "strange alien landscape" looks so South American?

Animals begin to run past him in a panic.

An odd, frog-like Gungan, JAR JAR BINKS, squats holding a clam he has retrieved from the murky swamp. The shell pops open. JAR JAR's great tongue snaps out and grabs the clam, swallowing it in one gulp.

JAR JAR looks up and sees QUI-GON and the other creatures running like the wind toward him. One of the huge MTT's bears down on the JEDI like a charging locomotive. JAR JAR stands transfixed, still holding the clam shell in one hand.

JAR JAR: Oh, nooooooooo!

WILL: No indeed! What was Lucas thinking?
KATHERINE: More toys, video games, coloring books, animated series...
TIM: I dunno...

JAR JAR drops the shell and grabs onto QUI-GON as he passes. The JEDI is caught by surprise.

TIM: Any ensemble like this needs a character ya can look down on.

JAR JAR: (Cont'd) Hey, hep me! Hep me!!
QUI-GON: Let go!

TIM: Somebody ta groan at, somebody kinda dumb and disgustin'. Makes ya feel superior.

The machine is about to crush them as QUI-GON drags JAR JAR with him. Just as the transport is about to hit them, QUI-GON drops, and JAR JAR goes splat into the mud with him.

TIM: Ooo, mud wrestlin'! Kinky!
(WILL and KATHERINE stare at TIM.)

The transport races overhead.

QUI-GON and JAR JAR pull themselves out of the mud.

JAR JAR: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!

TIM: Yup, line #3. That cinches it. ANOTHER gay Lucasfilm alien.
KATHERINE: Tim...

QUI-GON: You almost got us killed. Are you brainless?
JAR JAR: I spake.
QUI-GON: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get out of here!

WILL: He spoke?
TIM: Kath, all of the "Star Wars" aliens are gay. It's been tested.

QUI-GON starts to move off and JAR JAR follows.

TIM: C-3PO and R2-D2? Gay. Chewbacca? He hated Leia for comin' between him and Han. Jabba with those chained-up servant girls? He was overcompensatin'. And don't even get me started on Yoda--
KATHERINE: I wouldn't dream of it.

JAR JAR: No... no! Mesa stay... Mesa yous humbule servaunt.
QUI-GON: That won't be necessary.
JAR JAR: Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis a live deb-ett, tis. Mesa culled JaJa Binkss.

WILL: So what's his name, "JaJa" or "Jar Jar?"
KATHERINE: "Jock Jaw."

In the distance, a STAP bursts out of the mist at high speed, chasing OBI-WAN.

WILL: But the joke's on them, because according to the script, OBI-WAN hasn't shown up yet!

The troops fire laser bolts at OBI-WAN. QUI-GON deflects a bolt back, and the STAP blows up. OBI-WAN is exhausted and tries to catch his breath.

JAR JAR: Yous saved my again.

KATHERINE: "Actually, I forgot you were there, but sure, I'll take the credit."

OBI-WAN: What's this?
QUI-GON: A local. Let's go, before more of those droids show up.
JAR JAR: Mure?! Mure did you say??!?

WILL: NO, HE SAID "MORE," YOU ANNOYING FOOL! I CAN'T TAKE TWO MORE HOURS OF--
KATHERINE (shaking WILL): STAY CALM! DEEP BREATHS! BE MINDFUL OF THE DARK SIDE!

OBI-WAN and QUI-GON start to run. JAR JAR tries to keep up.

JAR JAR: (Cont'd) Ex-squeeze-me,

TIM: "Squeeze me?" Line #4.

JAR JAR: But da moto grande safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis where I grew up... Tis a hidden city.

WILL: It's where he grew up and now it's a hidden city? Think there's a connection?

They all stop.

QUI-GON: A city! (Jar Jar nods his head) Can you take us there?
JAR JAR: Ahhh, will.. on second taut.. no, not willy.

TIM: "No! Not 'Willy!'" Line #5.

QUI-GON: No?
JAR JAR: Iss embarrissing, boot... My afraid my've bean banished. My forgoten. Der Bosses would do terrible tings to my, terrible tings if my goen back dare.

WILL: Cool. Let's go NOW!

A PULSING SOUND is heard in the distance.

QUI-GON: You hear that?

JAR JAR cocks a large ear and shakes his head yes.

QUI-GON: (Cont'd) That is the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way...

KATHERINE: He's so sexy when he's poetic.
WILL: Why tell me that? Huh? What am I supposed to do with that?

OBI-WAN: When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into pieces, then blast us into oblivion.

KATHERINE: You were right, Will. They ARE thorough.

JAR JAR: Yousa point is well seen. Dis way! Hurry!

JAR JAR turns and runs into the swamp.

EXT. NABOO SWAMP LAKE-DAY

QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, and JAR JAR run to a murky lake and stop as JAR JAR tries to catch his breath.

WILL: Is the air thinner on this planet or something? He's only been running for three seconds.

The TRANSPORTS ARE HEARD in the distance.

QUI-GON: Much farther?
JAR JAR: Wesa goen underwater, okeyday?

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN pull out small capsules from their utility belts that turn into breathing masks.

WILL: "Quick, Robin! Ready the Bat-Aquatic-Chewsticks!"

JAR JAR: (Cont'd) My warning vous. Gungans no liken outlaunders. Don't expict a werm welcome.

KATHERINE: Now isn't that interesting. Do you suppose our culture is as annoying to them as Jar Jar is to us?
WILL: ...No.

OBI-WAN: Don't worry, this has not been our day for warm welcomes.

TIM: "That day was March 23, at the Jedi brothel."

JAR JAR jumps, does a double somersault with a twist, and dives into the water.Breath masks on, QUI-GON and OBI-WAN wade in after him.

EXT. NABOO LAKE-UNDERWATER

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN swim behind JAR JAR, who is very much at home in the water. Down they swim into the murky depths. In the distance the glow of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large bubbles, becomes more distinct.

KATHERINE: Where all the great bath toys go to die.

They approach the strange, art nouveau habitat. JAR JAR swims magically through one of the bubble membranes, which seals behind him. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON follow.

WILL: So it keeps liquids out, but lets solids in? What about marine predators?

INT. OTOH GUNGA-CITY SQUARE

GUNGANS in the square scatter when they see the strange JEDI. Four GUARDS armed with long electro-poles ride two-legged KAADUS into the square. The GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN TARPALS, point their lethal poles at the dripping trio.

KATHERINE: Fifty dollar fine. This is a "no establishing shot" zone.

JAR JAR: Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals, Mesa back!
CAPT. TARPALS: Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu dis time.

WILL: Even his OWN KIND can't stand him!

TARPALS gives JAR JAR a slight zap with his power pole.

WILL: (Applause)

JAR JAR jumps and moves off.

JAR JAR: How wude.

TIM: "How lewd?" Line #6.

INT. OTOH GUNGA-HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM

The Bosses' Board Room has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming around outside like moving stars. A long circular judge's bench filled with GUNGAN OFFICIALS dominates the room. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON stand facing BOSS NASS, who sit on a bench higher than the others.

BOSS NASS: ...Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!

KATHERINE: The boss is even harder to understand than Jar Jar! How do they get anything done?
WILL: Smile, nod, and ignore him altogether. Just like my last job.

QUI-GON: That droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.

TIM: "Hey, droid army! You're about to attack the Naboo!"

BOSS NASS: Wesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so smarty den uss-ens. Day tink day brains so big.

KATHERINE: Guess the "Ebonics" theory never caught on over here.

OBI-WAN: After those droids take control of the surface, they will come here and take control of you.
BOSS NASS: No, mesa no tink so. Mesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no nutten talkie wit outlaunders.

TIM: "No nutten talkie wit 'em?" Wonder why?

BOSS NASS: Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.
OBI-WAN: You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to one of you will affect the other. You must understand this.

WILL: Or my master's in biology will have been for nothing.

BOSS NASS: Wesa no care about da Naboo.
QUI-GON: (waves his hand) Then speed us on our way.

KATHERINE: Go, Speed Racer, go!

BOSS NASS: Wesa ganna speed yousaway.
QUI-GON: We need a transport.
BOSS NASS: Wese give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through (he lowers his voice ominously) da planet core.

TIM: (sings DRAGNET theme)

BOSS NASS: Now go.
QUI-GON: Thank you for your help. We go in peace.

QUI-GON bows, and he and OBI-WAN turn to leave.

OBI-WAN: Master, what's a bongo?

WILL (as Qui-Gon): "A drum we can play on city streets until we get enough money for bus fare."

Click for Act Two...
FANS
Back to FANS