FANS MiSTing: Pokemon: The First Movie

FANS MiST POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE
Legal stuff: as usual, if Warner Brothers or anyone connected with the legal side of Pokémon requests the removal of this page... it's gone.
Note to new readers: this viewing features characters from the online comic, FANS. (Read this comic.) Viewing occurs between the first storyline, "The Fandom Menace," and before the second, "The Most Dangerous Game."

And now let's look in on our test audience...

[We open as the "Pikachu's Vacation" short closes. The DVD player goes to "pause."]

[TIM, WILL, and RUMY sit on Tim's dorm room floor. Rumy is looking faintly annoyed. Tim watches Will and enjoys it. And Will is shaking his head with his hands, as if trying to rearrange its contents.]

WILL: My brain... my BRAAAAIIIIIN...
TIM: I knew ya couldn't handle this kinda non-linear filmmakin'. It's sorta like the buttf#$%ing of dramatic structure.
RUMY: Why did they think we needed a narrator? Did they feel the plot was too complicated for their children?

[Will screens his eyes with his fingers.]

WILL: I'm having LSD flashbacks here... were those really psychedelic scene-breaks or did I just imagine them?
TIM (innocently): What scene-breaks?

[Tim waves the remote control in front of Will.]

TIM: There's no shame in wussin' out, L'il Willy. You'll just lose the bet. It don't make you any less of a man not ta act like one.
WILL (deep breath): All right.
WILL (deep breath): All right.
WILL (deep breath): All right...
WILL (deep breath): Push... the button... Tim.

And the movie begins...

Opens when the camera is underwater. Rising and rising to a scenic view of a mountaintop.

NARRATOR: Life. The great miracle... and the great mystery.

TIM: An' the great magazine.

VOICE (whispering): Who am I?
NARRATOR: Since the beginning, human and Pokémon alike have searched for its meaning.

WILL: Yeah, I can tell by the insightful way they say "pi-ka-chu."

VOICE (whispering): What am I?

RUMY (whispering, barely audible): They dubbed all this in. It's like they're afraid of silence.

NARRATOR: Many strange and wondrous legends have evolved from the pursuit of life's mysteries.

VOICE (whispering): What am I...
NARRATOR: But none stranger than this tale of the most powerful Pokémon of all.

WILL: You know something? I believe him.

VOICE (whispering): ...to be?

Camera goes into a darker place with orange bubbles, then it shows someone's eye open. Human figures are seen outside his glass case.

VOICE/SOMEONE/MEWTWO: Where... am I?

WILL: "Why am I? Wherefore am I? Whither am I?"

MEWTWO: This isn't the same. Was everything before... just a dream? Ohhh...

The room goes dark as Mewtwo loses consciousness.

TIM: Hey, ya think he was watchin' "Pikachu's Vacation" before this started too?
WILL: It would explain his behavior.

INT. LAB
The scientists scurry around Mewtwo's unconscious form.

SCIENTIST: Doctor, look at this!
DOCTOR: What?
SCIENTIST: Its brainwaves... they're surging!

WILL: Probably not "Pikachu's Vacation," then.

OTHER SCIENTIST: Let's run another scan!
ANOTHER SCIENTIST: Its mind is racing!
YET ANOTHER SCIENTIST: We can't lose this one!

WILL: "I must say something urgent!... He's flatlining! Clear! STAT! Live, dammit, live!"

Close ups of Mewtwo's eye alternate with shots of Mew in the past and Mewtwo in the present.

MEWTWO: Those voices!... They're outside!... Where I must be!

TIM: No, dude, you're inside. Guy don't know much, does he?

Mewtwo comes to life, shattering the glass and wires that have been surrounding him.

EVEN STILL ANOTHER SCIENTIST: Radio Giovanni's helicopter! Tell him what's happened!
DOCTOR: Quiet! Let us hear its psychic powers.

WILL: Hear its psychic powers?
TIM: These powers have been closed-captioned for the thinkin'-impaired.

Everyone stops and crowds around Mewtwo.

MEWTWO: Psychic... powers?
DOCTOR: For years we struggled to successfully clone a Pokémon to prove our theories.

TIM: Boy, they're lazy. They wanna use a superclone to do their research for 'em? Oh, wait...

DOCTOR: But you're the first specimen to survive.

TIM (as Mewtwo): "AAARRGH...!"
WILL (as scientist): "Oh, fudge. I jinxed it."

The doctor points to a Mayan-style drawing of Mew.

DOCTOR: That is Mew, the rarest of all Pokémon. From its DNA we created you, Mewtwo.

TIM: "We were gonna call ya 'Mew Junior,' but we thought that wouldn't be demeanin' enough."
WILL: So they got the DNA of the world's rarest Pokémon from this 5,000-year-old stone carving? Okay...

MEWTWO: Mew...two? Then am I only a clone? Nothing but Mew's shadow?
DOCTOR: You are greater than Mew, improved through the power of human ingenuity. We used the most advanced techniques to develop your awesome psychic powers.

TIM: Humans do it better.

MEWTWO: So. I am simply the end result of your experiment. What becomes of me now that your experiment is over?

TIM: Well, that's why we designed yer legs to make drumsticks!
RUMY: Is it... proper for you to be talking through this movie?
WILL: Rumy, it's improper for us to watch this movie without talking.

SCIENTIST: Oh, our experiment isn't over yet, it's just beginning! Now the serious testing begins!

WILL: As opposed to the wacky, frivolous testing.
TIM: Quick! Whatsa capital of New Jersey?!
RUMY: Hee hee...

The scientists begin talking among themselves as if Mewtwo was not there. He looks down at his hands, slowly growing angrier.

MEWTWO (thinking): These humans... they care nothing for me.
SCIENTISTS: (chatter)

WILL: Hey, you know what would be an even better idea than designing a super-powerful creature that could READ YOUR MIND and then expecting it to be your slave?
RUMY: What?
WILL: Anything.

MEWTWO: Is that my purpose? Am I just an experiment? A laboratory specimen? This cannot be my destiny!

Mewtwo floats up and starts destroying the whole lab.

WILL: Hey! "Pikachu's Vacation" said Pokémon were FRIENDLY creatures and preferred COOPERATION! So cut that OUT!

Lots of little metal hand-like things come down to grapple him, but his psychic powers shatter them easily.

TIM: "HANDS OFF!"

Soon the whole lab is in flames. Mewtwo emerges in a cocoon of light and energy that protects him. The Doctor faces him, knowing that the end is coming.

RUMY: I could mention that they've completely mistranslated Mewtwo's motivation in this sequence... but that wouldn't be nice.

SCIENTIST: We dreamed of creating the world's strongest Pokémon... and we succeeded.

EXT. LAB

The entire island lab goes up in a mushroom cloud.

WILL: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa! Did people actually DIE in this cartoon?
TIM: Nah. I'm sure they're all just real, real unconscious.

INT. HELICOPTER Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket, comes down in a helicopter. He holds his cat and smiles evilly.

TIM: Everybody's more beautiful when they smile.

EXT. ISLAND Mewtwo stands in the wreckage, looking out at the sea.

MEWTWO: Behold my powers! I am the strongest Pokémon in the world... stronger even than Mew.

WILL: "Those arrogant snotbags thought so, and they couldn't have been wrong!"
RUMY: Is he talking to us?

Giovanni comes up behind Mewtwo, looking confident.

GIOVANNI: Those fools thought you were a science experiment. But I... I see you as a valuable partner.
MEWTWO: Partner?

WILL: "I've been thinking about starting up a law firm."

GIOVANNI: With your psychic powers and my resources, together we could control the world. MEWTWO: I do not need your help for that, human.

WILL: I mean, what is there to ruling the world besides blowing up labs?

GIOVANNI: A wildfire destroys everything in its path. It will be the same with your powers unless you learn to control them. I can help you do that.

WILL: He's going to help him be a wildfire and destroy everything?
RUMY: Actually, yes.

MEWTWO: How?

WILL: "...am I?"
TIM: Yer fine, thanks. How am I?

GIOVANNI: Trust me and I'll show you a way to focus your powers that will make you invincible.
MEWTWO: Show me.

TIM: "...the money."

Giovanni smiles and chuckles.

INT. TEAM ROCKET HEADQUARTERS - GIOVANNI'S LAB
Mewtwo is in a hi-tech chamber, standing while hi-tech armor assembles itself around him. Giovanni looks on.

RUMY: Oh, so he's making him invincible by making him Iron Man!
[Will and Tim are stunned. Rumy has never dissed anything before.]
RUMY: Did I do it wrong?

MEWTWO: You say this armor protects my body. But it suppresses my powers.
GIOVANNI: Your powers are not being suppressed, they're being focused. Learn to use them to accomplish your purpose.
MEWTWO: What is that?

TIM (singing): The purpose of a man is to love a woman, and the purpose of a clone-guy is to hate a man...

GIOVANNI: Patience, my friend. Your purpose will become clear. MONTAGE. Mewtwo is sent into an arena to fight Pokémon. First comes an Onix, which Mewtwo throws into a wall with his mind.

TIM: There's an Onix! Kewl! I got that card!

MEWTWO: So this is my power...!

Next, Mewtwo is out in a field, being charged by wild Tauros. He raises them up with his mind control and Team Rocket captures them with Pokéballs. Then Mewtwo is in the arena again fighting Alakazam; Mewtwo throws Alkazam into a wall too.

TIM: There's a Tauro! There's an Alakazam! Gotta catch...
WILL: Stop.

MEWTWO: I am in control.

TIM: NOOO! I am in control! [waves the remote, pauses, unpauses, pauses, unpauses. Will hits him.]
WILL: You are more annoying than this movie!
TIM: Yes! Undefeated!

Later in the arena, Electron tries an electric attack, which Mewtwo blocks easily. Next come Gary's Arcanine and Nidoking. Mewtwo takes both of them out easily.

MEWTWO: But why am I here?

WILL: Credit where credit's due. Giovanni's really messed with this guy's head. As long as Mewtwo's getting "partner" status, he can't see how little Gio values him, and Gio can play him like a--

INT. GIOVANNI'S LAB

MEWTWO: Now I fully perceive my power. But what is my purpose?
GIOVANNI (O.S.): To serve your master.

WILL: ...what?

Giovanni enters the lab on a catwalk, well above Mewtwo.

GIOVANNI: You were created to fight for me That is your purpose.
MEWTWO: That cannot be. You said we were partners. We stood as equals.

WILL: This guy is losing IQ points by the second!

GIOVANNI: You were created by humans to obey humans. You could never be our equal.
MEWTWO: Humans may have created me. But they will never enslave me! This cannot be my destiny!

WILL: "Well, the scientists were keeping me in slavery originally, and Giovanni tricked me into slavery until today, but... third time is the charm."

Mewtwo begins blowing up everything again.

GIOVANNI: Stop this now!

WILL: IQ loss... complete.

Giovanni runs.

MEWTWO: I was not born a Pokémon, I was created. And my creators have used and betrayed me. So... I stand alone!

WILL: Like the cheese.

Mewtwo blows his way out of Team Rocket HQ and flies off, while his armor slowly falls off into the sea. He lands on another island. His armor's helmet falls at his feet.

TIM: Oh no... he's... litterin'!

MEWTWO: Who am I? What is my true destiny? I will find my own purpose, and destroy all who oppose me. Human and Pokémon alike... the world will heed my warning. The reign of Mewtwo will soon begin!

TIM: So when he dies, who succeeds 'im? Mewtwo II?

TITLE CREDITS: Biiig computer animated Pokéball open to reveal the title: MEWTWO STRIKES BACK.

TIM: Ta be followed by the sequel: MEWTHREE STRIKES OUT.

EXT. FOREST Brock is cooking lunch for everyone. Misty sees to Togepi. Ash sits with his chin on the lunch table.

ANNOYING NARRATOR: Today, Ash, Brock, and Misty are taking a short break from their Pokémon adventures. As always, Ash is determined to become a Pokémon master, and as always, he's ready to endure any hardship, bear any burden, with strength, stamina, and a will of steel!

TIM: Stop, man. Yer gettin' me so hot.

ASH: Hungry... need food...
MISTY: Oh, Ash! You haven't done a thing all day!

WILL: Maybe we can keep him from doing anything for the rest of the movie.

ASH: I'm too weak to work, Misty! I haven't eaten since breakfast!
MISTY (melting): Well...

WILL: Awww. Love is so cute. And stupid.

BROCK: This lunch is gonna be just perfect for you, Ash. It's my Lazy-Boy No-Chew Stew!

TIM: See, ya just bite inta the La-Z-Boy, choke, an' die!
WILL: Don't get my hopes up like that.

Pikachu and Togepi spot someone coming. He's dressed like a pirate. PIRATE: Hey, you there! I'm lookin' from a Pokémon trainer named Ash from Pallet Town. You know him? RUMY: "No, I don't know anyone named 'Ash,' since in the original Japanese my name is 'Satoshi.'"
TIM: Yer gettin' there, Rum'. Slow but sure.

ASH: Yeah, he's me.
PIRATE: Let's have a match! Unless you're afraid to lose.

WILL: "Gee, I am afraid to lose, so I guess I'll forfeit... wait, that's the same as losing! What can I do???"

ASH: I'm afraid you're going to lose this one!

WILL: Oh! Oh! (mimes a shot to the heart) "Touché, good sir!"

MISTY: Ash, you just said you were too weak to work!
ASH: That's right, I am too weak to work, but a Pokémon battle isn't work!

TIM: It's not a job, it's an addiction.

BROCK: That's progress. At least his mouth is working.

RUMY: It's poorly lip-synched, to be sure, but...

PIKACHU: pika..chu... The Pokémon intro music runs through this battle.

I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.
To catch them is my test, to train them is my cause...
I will travel across the land, searching far and wide,
Each Pokémon to understand, the power that's inside.
Pokemon...gotta catch 'em all!!
It's you and me...
I know it's my destiny
Pokémon...Oh...you're my best friend,
in a world we must defend.
Pokemon...gotta catch 'em all!!
A heart so true--our courage will pull us through!
You teach me and I'll teach you!
Po....ké.....mon!
Gotta Catch 'Em All!
Gotta Catch 'Em All!
Pokémon!

The battle is really long to describe. Let's just say Ash wins, even when the pirate pits three huge Pokémon against Pikachu.

RUMY: So the smaller the Pokémon... the more powerful the Pokémon.
WILL: I'm pretty sure there's some kind of rule against three-on-one here...

PIRATE: Ohhhh nooooo!
ASH: We did it!
MISTY: Well, that sure was a shocking ending.
BROCK: Shocking that Ash moved so fast.

RUMY: In Japanese, that went, "you only won because your opponent was weak."
WILL: If there's a conspiracy to keep Ash's incompetence a secret, why don't they cut the scenes where he does something stupid?
TIM: Cause that's all of 'em.
WILL: ...Oh yeah.

PAN OUT to Team Rocket (JAMES, JESSIE, and MEOWTH) who are on a cliff. They have to keep watching our heroes.

WILL: My heart goes out to them.

JAMES: There's another credit on Pikachu's charge account.

WILL: I take it back.

JESSIE: We've got to grab him.
MEOWTH: I know we've got to grab some rare Pokémon for the boss but it wouldn't be a bad idea to grab a bite to eat, would it?

TIM: We could head over to Burger King an' get one a' them Chokémon Happy Meals!

JESSIE: We didn't come here to steal a meal.
MEOWTH: I'm starvin'.

Jessie whips out a frying pan from nowhere.

WILL: To the moon, Alice!

JESSIE: I could cook something.
MEOWTH: Thanks, but the last time you cooked you wiped out eight of my nine lives.

WILL: COOK AGAIN!

EXT. SKY A Fearow with a camera flies overhead.

WILL: Filmed in Choking-Hazard-o-Vision.

INT. PALACE
A throne hides a mysterious figure (you get one guess) in front of a lady in a nineteenth-century dress. Mysterious figure is watching Ash and Pikachu on a number of TV screens.

WILL: A number of TV screens? He has it worse than we do!

LADY: Master, shall I extend an invitation to these trainers as well?

Slight pause.

TIM: "Guess."

LADY: As you wish.

Exit lady.

WILL: Could a human being look any more like a chess piece than she does?

Dragonite flies out of the control center with a purse. It flies overseas, then down. It buzzes Team Rocket and they fall, then it buzzes Ash and company, knocking them all over, then it lands.

WILL: Is it customary to run over people before inviting them to parties?
TIM: Only in the frat houses.

ASH: Watch where you're flyin'!

RUMY: He is. Just not where you are.

Dragonite hands Ash an invitation card, which looks like a multiple-choice yes-no question... without a question.

RUMY: Meditate upon this koan. The TRUE answer is "yes" AND "no."
TIM: NO!
RUMY: Yes.
WILL: Forty-two.

ASH: Huh? Somethin' for me?

Ash hits a button and the card displays a hologram of the lady.

WILL: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi... I'm facing checkmate in three moves..."

LADY: Greetings, Pokémon trainers. I bear an invitation.

TIM: Will ya bear somethin' else a' mine?

BROCK: She's really small, but really pretty.

TIM: Yer really gay, an' really not hidin' it well.

LADY: You have been chosen to join a select group of trainers at a special gathering. It will be hosted by my master, the world's greatest Pokémon trainer, at his palace on New Island.

RUMY: Goodness, I've never heard of New Island.
TIM: That's cause it's a NEW Island!

Hologram becomes a map of the area that the lady's voice describes.

TIM: Thanks for settin' that joke up.
RUMY: I hoped you'd like it.

LADY (V.O.): A chartered ferry will leave at Old Shore Wharf to take you there this afternoon. Only trainers who show this invitation will be admitted. If you decide to attend, you must reply at once. My master awaits you.

Lady winks out.

TIM: Wink, wink.

BROCK (to Dragonite): Is there a rewind button?

[TIM raises the remote control, sees WILL looking at him, lowers it again.]

MISTY: Should we go?
BROCK: Of course we should! I've got to meet her!
ASH: I guess the world's #1 trainer wants to challenge me to a match!

WILL: Who declares that, anyway! Since no one actually does "catch 'em all," who decides who the #1 trainer is? The Academy of Arbitrary Sports Ranks?
TIM: "I'd like ta thank the Academy..."
They check yes, and hand the invitation back to Dragonite. Dragonite takes the card and flies away from the group and up the hill...

WILL: ...running over seagulls on his way out...

...but Jessie, James and Meowth take out a net and smack it against Dragonite's head, blocking his flight.

WILL: Butterfly Collecting for Perpetual Beginners.

JESSIE: We want to know what's so special about the twerp trio's special delivery!

Ash's invitation falls out of Dragonite's purse. MEOWTH: Hey, look!
JAMES: "Yes?" To what?

RUMY: Yes.

INT. PALACE
We see Mewtwo waving his hand back and forth moving the clouds, causing a big storm to start.

TIM: He's like the evil Bugs Bunny, conductin' an opera.

INT. BOTTOM OF OCEAN
We see Mew sleeping in a bubble underwater. As the bubble floats to the top and pops, Mew wakes up and flies off.

WILL: I'm not even going into the physics on this one.

MEW: Mew!

RUMY: A line they didn't mistranslate. How... nice.

EXT. FERRY STATION
Ash, Misty, Brock, Togepi, and Pikachu run out of the storm and...

WILL: ...into a brick wall.
TIM: ...inta those Pokémon Nurses gettin' it on.
WILL: An electrified brick wall.

INT. FERRY STATION
...into the ferry station. All the other trainers who were invited are already there. Ash and company are splattered with rain. MISTY: Togepi's totally soaked!

RUMY: So? He's a water Pokémon.
TIM: Yeah, but that ain't water.

BROCK: I can't believe how fast the storm came up!

Trainers have begun to crowd by the door. OFFICER JENNY and an oddly mystical older woman named BOIJER stand by the door and try to calm them.

TIM: Oh yeah, babes. Calm ME down. I been a bad boy.

CROWD: Huh? (chatter) The ferry was canceled?
CUTE POKEMON TRAINER ("SWEET"): But I've got to get to New Island!

WILL: "Sweet?"
TIM: SWEEEET!

OFFICER JENNY: It's more than just rain! The harbor manager thinks this could be the worst storm ever!
BOIJER: Listen to me.

RUMY: I'm trying, but that accent... is difficult.
WILL (Transylvanian) "Blah, blah, blah..."

BOIJER: The prophets have predicted the return of the Wings of Water.

TIM: "Prophets?" DS9 crossover?

BOIJER: For years I have prayed that mankind would feel that deadly storm ever again.
JENNY: Isn't that just a legend?

RUMY: Junsa-san, it's never just a legend. Read manga.

BOIJER: The ancient writings tell of the storm wiping out all but a few Pokémon. In their sorrow, the water of their tears somehow restored the lives lost. But there are no Pokémon tears today. Just water, which no one can survive.

WILL: Do they just have no Weather Channel out here?

JENNY: And that's why your ferry to New Island's been cancelled. ARROGANT POKEMON TRAINER ("UMIO"): Well, I'm going to New Island anyway. My Pokémon are watertight!

WILL: As opposed to the "leaky Pokémon."
TIM: Like Togepi?

SWEET: Not fair!
UMIO: We'll just swim over to that palace.

TIM: Well, actchally, HE'LL swim an' I'll take all the credit.

BOIJER: I warn you, the winds will be savage! You will never make it!
JENNY: And besides, if you tried that stunt and your Pokémon got hurt, you'd be out of luck because we had to close down the Pokémon Center.
ASH: How come?

WILL: "Because we had to close down the Pokémon Center."

JENNY: Because the nurse in charge of the Center disappeared last month. And if any of you see her, please contact me at once! That's a picture of her over on the far wall.

RUMY: Wait, I see her! Or is it only a picture of her? In this animation style, how can I tell?

Brock walks over and looks at the picture, labeled "FIND MISSING PERSON."

RUMY: They even mistranslate the text. That's... thorough.

It's a picture of Nurse Joy, who is also the "lady" we've seen earlier.

BROCK: She's cute. Huh. She sure looks familiar.

WILL: Not like I watch this show, but don't Nurse Joy and Nurse Jenny show up in like every episode?
TIM: Yeah, but Brock's nearly blind. 'Swhy he always squints.

EXT. DOCK
Some of the trainers go outside in the storm and begin to cross the ocean. Soroa (another arrogant guy trainer) gets onto his Pidgeot and flies off. Umio gets on his Gyarados and begins to swim across. JENNY: Come back here! Or I'll place you under arrest!

TIM: It's a li'l late to start makin' stupidity a crime here.
WILL: Unfortunately.

Sweet gets on her Dewgong and starts swimming away.

JENNY: Come ba-- ack! (Her hat blows away.)

TIM: Just her hat blows away? C'mon! Worst storm ever! Lessee some wind!

BOIJER: Some trainers have no fear.
JENNY: Hm?

WILL: "You can tell by their 'NO FEAR' T-shirts."

BOIJER: To them, this is just one more challenge. They follow their hearts. That is what sets them apart and will make them...

WILL: ...Dead.

BOIJER: ...Pokémon masters. Good luck to all of them.

Ash, Brock, Misty and Pikachu run outside and see everyone leaving.

WILL: "Why does this always happen whenever we enter a room?"

ASH: The world's greatest Pokémon master is waiting for me. Let's use our Pokémon to get to that island!

TIM: "Well, gosh, if he's waitin' for YOU, we'll just wait here." Stuck-up li'l prick.

PIKACHU: Pika!
MISTY: Ash, our Pokémon aren't strong enough. They can't handle giant waves like this.
ASH (sagging, defeated): Guess you're right.
PIKACHU: Pikapika...

RUMY: Well. That was...
WILL: Anti-climatic?

A small wooden ship pulls up with 2 people in it in Viking garb. They're James and Jessie, but Ash, Brock, and Misty don't recognize them, the way they haven't seen through Team Rocket's 8,004 other disguises.

JESSIE: You vant to cross maybe? Ve take you, ya?

WILL: How about for their next costume, they just wear some buttons that say, "We're not Team Rocket?"
TIM: "Hurdy-gurdy, bork, bork, bork..."

Ash and company get into the ship, and James and Jessie begin paddling across.

JESSIE: Ve Vikings are used to big vaves. Ve get you to New Island faster than you can say Fahfregnuggen.

RUMY: Fahlfleg... Fahrfreg... They may be right.
WILL: Don't worry, they didn't get it right either.

Meowth is dressed like a girl in front of the boat. Jessie and James are paddling hard.

JESSIE: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! ...I think I'm going to have one.

WILL: ...ha. Ha. Ha...
RUMY: Will?

BROCK: I didn't know Vikings still existed.
ASH: They mostly live in Minnesota!

WILL: Ha ha HA...
TIM: Uh oh. He's crackin'.

MISTY: Something's not right. Are you sure this boat's safe?

As if on cue, a big wave rocks them all.

JESSIE (straining): Don't vorry, this ship von't let you down! They all descend a rough bender. Don't get upset!
MEOWTH: Tell my stomach.

WILL (hysterical): HA HA HA AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
[Rumy thumps Will on a nerve close to his brainstem. He recovers his self-control.]

JESSIE AND JAMES: Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho!

TIM: James is... a ho! He's... a ho! He's... a ho! He's... a ho!

MISTY: It's all right, Togepi. We're going to be okay!

A huge wave or a small tsunami swells in front of the boat. Everyone screams. When the wave passes, the boat is still barely standing, but Team Rocket's Viking costumes are gone.

WILL: Must be that magical costume-removing water.
TIM: All RIGHT! All we need is one more wave for nekkid Jessie action!

ASH: Those aren't Vikings!
MISTY: It's Team Rocket!
BROCK: I knew there was something fishy about them besides the way they smelled!

[Rumy looks at Will.]
WILL: Don't worry, Rumy... I can take it...

Jessie and James prepare their usual speech.

JESSIE: Ha! Prepare for trouble!
JAMES: Make it double!...

TIM: An' shave yer leg stubble!

MEOWTH (looking up): I get the feeling we're going to have to wait!

TIM: Ah, stock footage interruptus.
RUMY: It's a common anime theme.

Another wave flips over the boat, dumping everyone in it.

WILL: Poor Meowth. Cats can't swim. He's a goner. Damn.

EXT. UNDERWATER
Misty activates STARYU, a giant starfish Pokémon, and rides it to the surface, searching for the others.

TIM: Star search!

EXT. OVERSEAS
Brock is swimming hard.

BROCK: Ash! Misty!

TIM: "James! My one true love!"

Just as he's going down, Misty comes up. They use Staryu as a flotation device.

BROCK: Have you seen Ash and Pikachu?
MISTY: Not yet...

WILL: "Maybe we can still get away before they catch up!"

The waves knock them under again. Underwater, they see Ash swimming up with Squirtle.

WILL: The water's awfully clear for the middle of a storm.
RUMY: Saved by limited animation.

Everybody rises to the top and holds on to each other.

ASH: Stay together! It's our only hope!
PIKACHU: PIKA!

WILL: "Pull each other down and sink! It's our only hope!"

Staryu and Squirtle begin propelling them forward. Soon they sink back under the waves, but all hold their breath and keep moving forward, forward, forward...

WILL: But the sea is churning so much, they're actually moving downward, downward, downward.

...until at last Squirtle sees moonlight and guides the group to it. The group surfaces in the eye of the storm, where everything is clear.

PIKACHU: Pika!
ASH: Hey, look!

They see Mewtwo's palace, flanked with windmills. It's computer-animated.

RUMY: Well, if it's computer animated, it must be evil.

EXT. PALACE

Mew flies around above the clouds.

TIM: "Cloudy an' clear tonight, with a 17% chance of Mew..."
WILL (as Boijer): "And a 100% chance of destruction! Blah! Blah! Blah!"

INT. PALACE-- DOCK
Ash and company get to the palace and climb out of the water onto the dock, where the mysterious lady who is Nurse Joy awaits.

WILL: Pawn Four to Queen. Your move.

LADY/JOY: My master bids you welcome to the New Island. Would you kindly present your invitation.

TIM: "We saw ya on TV earlier, but we gotta make sure you're not just clones or somethin'."

ASH: Um, uh, here it is, miss.
As Ash presents the invitation, the hologram of Joy reappears.

WILL: "How about a nice game of chess?"

HOLOGRAM: The bearers of this invitation may be admitted to New Island.
BROCK: I knew I recognized that face!

TIM: "Yer the same chick who's in this hologram, aint'cha!"

LADY/JOY: What?
BROCK: Aren't you the nurse who's missing from the treatment center?
MISTY: You do look just like her...

RUMY: Well... yes. And like you. And like every female on the show except Jessie.

LADY/JOY: I fear you are mistaken. I have always dwelt on this island and have always been in the service of my master.

TIM: "It was tough when I was a fetus, but I dealt."

LADY/JOY: (begins to depart) Please come this way. My master awaits your arrival.

They go inside. As soon as they're gone, Team Rocket floats up from the water on top of Weezing, a rock-based Pokémon.

WILL: And we all know how buoyant rocks are.
RUMY: It must be pumice.

EXT. PALACE WINDMILLS
Mew plays around in a pretty pointless sequence that was probably more fun to animate than watch. Like the rest of the movie.

WILL: This is the guy that gives Mewtwo an inferiority complex?

INT. PALACE

Ash and company follow Joy inside massive front doors. They see a reception hall where three other trainers reside. They're the ones we saw swimming before: Sorao, Umio, and Sweet.

TIM: SWEEEEET!

JOY: Now that you are here, all trainers worthy of an audience with my master are present.

TIM: "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"
WILL: You mean we're not "worthy of an audience?" Oh, darn. Turn it off, Tim.

ASH: There's only three of 'em.
MISTY: Aren't we going to wait for the others?
JOY: Only the ones capable of braving the storm have proven themselves worthy in my master's eyes.

WILL: Yo, 'Two, have you considered that some guys MIGHT have assumed, in the absence of other evidence, that the match was postponed on account of TSUNAMI?

BROCK: Do you mean that storm was some kind of test?

TIM: "Yeah, but only a frivolous one."

JOY: Please release your Pokémon from their Pokéballs and join the others. It will not be long before my master's intentions are clear.

EXT. PALACE
The doors slam shut. Jessie, James, and Meowth, who've been spying from the far gate, lower their binoculars.

JAMES: Locked out. Now we'll never know what kind of party we're missing!

TIM: The same kinda party that usually gets thrown by babes named "Joy."

JESSIE: Then we'll just have to crash that party.

RUMY: Are they so desperate for a social life that...
WILL: Yes.

MEOWTH (angry): You know another way in?
JESSIE: Look over there.

WILL: At the sign that says, "conveniently unguarded entrance."

PAN OVER to a sewer with water streaming out.

TIM: Hey, so I guess those rumors're true about giant Pokémon livin' in the sewer!

MEOWTH: Naaa! But Jessie, how we gonna swim up that thing?
JESSIE (angry): Pretend you're a catfish!

WILL: "Choke on the air. Die."

All of a sudden Mew comes down from behind Team Rocket and looks at them. Jessie turns her head, just in time for Mew to move out of her field of vision.

WILL: Hallucination is one of the final stages of Pokéddiction...

JAMES: Something wrong, Jessie?
JESSIE (deciding): No. Come on, let's get going.
MEOWTH: I think this plan's all wet.

RUMY: Nothing could make me regret learning English for long... but I have my moments.

INT. PALACE RECEPTION ROOM
Sorao is close to his Pidgeotto, who looks like a giant sparrow. He greets the new arrivals.

SORAO: What took you guys so long?

WILL: "We thought it was in New Ireland."

ASH: How'd you get here?
SORAO: I decided to fly over. It was easy; hurricane winds are a breeze for Pidgeotto here. Hey guys, say hello!

All Sorao's Pokémon say their names.

TIM: Hey, how 'bout a parrot Pokémon named "Hello?"
RUMY: With razor-molting powers?

Then Ash sees a Gyrados in another corner. A Gyarados is a bluish Loch-Ness monster. Umio sits back, looking smug.

UMIO: Those are my Pokémon. It was no problem gettin' through that storm. I rode over on Gyarados' back.

WILL: What, no awful pun?
RUMY: An oversight, no doubt.

ASH: Wow, I heard it takes a lot of skill to train Gyarados.
UMIO: Yeahhh... but once you train it, it's the most dependable Pokémon there is.

WILL: Except for Meowth, whom you can always depend on to make any scene twice as bad.

SWEET (waving for attention): You haven't met my Pokémon. Over there.

RUMY: But don't think it's because we don't care.
TIM (to Rumy): Were you just bein' rude?
RUMY: No... No.

Sweet points to her menagerie. Then all the lights dim. There is a bright beam of light coming down the center of a huge spiral staircase.

JOY: You are about to meet my master. The time has come for your encounter with the greatest Pokémon master on Earth.

WILL: It's an encounter group?
TIM: "My name is Pointy-Hair Tezuka, and I'm a Pokéholic."

Something begins to descend...

ASH: What's that?

Mewtwo starts floating down, his eyes glowing electric blue.

TIM: Mewtwo: Electric Boogaloo.

INT. SEWER
Team Rocket walks through the sewers. Mew floats behind Meowth, always staying just out of his peripheral vision, then vanishes just as Meowth turns around.

WILL: All that power, and he just floats around playing twisted headgames.
RUMY: The Mews do have that much in common.

INT. PALACE RECEPTION ROOM
Meowth stands before his assembled guests. Joy continues to stand in front of him.

JOY: Yes. The world's greatest Pokémon master is also the most powerful Pokémon on Earth. This is the ruler of New Island and, soon, the whole world: Mewtwo.

TIM: "Look how well I've trained myself! Sit! Stay! Roll over!"
WILL: This guy wants a whole section of the Guiness Book of World Records.

BROCK: Mew... two?
UMIO: A Pokémon can't be a Pokémon master. No way!

RUMY: Sigh... racism...
TIM: "New Pokémon card set plays itself while you kids run out an' buy more!"

MEWTWO AND JOY (as one): Quiet, human. From now on I am the one who makes the rules.

TIM: Oh, gawd! She's controllin' his mind!

MISTY: How is it talking?
BROCK: It's psychic!

WILL: So how are they hearing him?
RUMY: With their mi... oh, I get it.

Mewtwo gestures and surrounds Umio with a crushing aura of blue. He raises Umio up in the air and throws him into a pool. Then he "laughs" psychically.

TIM: The Golden Rule: "If ya get ta make the rules, yer golden."

UMIO (getting up): We'll show you! Let's go, Gyarados!

Gyarados attacks Mewtwo with a Hyper Beam, a wide-lens force beam. Mewtwo gestures and bounces the beam back to Gyarados, knocking it out.

WILL: "I am made of rubber... you are made of glue!"

MEWTWO AND JOY: Child's play.

RUMY: Well... Pokémon IS child's play. Do you see any adults here?

MEWTWO (to Joy): Your usefulness is ended.

A light goes on in Joy's eyes.

TIM: "OW! THERE'S A LIGHT IN MY EYES!"

JOY: Huh?

She staggers, about to faint.

JOY: Oooh...

Brock runs up and catches her into his arms just as she falls.

TIM: Sure, yeah, he'll take her in his arms when she's comatose.

BROCK: Nurse Joy!

TIM: It's not the bein' gay that gets me, Brock. It's your denyin' it.

JOY: Where am I? And how in the world did I get here?

WILL: "Who am I? What is my purpose? And who the hell styled my hair?"

MEWTWO: You have been under my control. I transported you here from the Pokémon center. Your knowledge of Pokémon physiology proved useful for my plan. And now I have cleansed your tiny human brain of memories from the past few weeks.

TIM: Nice how he can generate new powers whenever th'movie needs him to.

BROCK: Who are you?

WILL: He JUST INTRODUCED HIMSELF!
TIM: "I'm Steve Case."

MEWTWO: I am the new ruler of this world. The master of humans and Pokémon alike!
MISTY: You're just a bully! PIKACHU: PIKA!

TIM: "Take that back! And gimme your lunch money!"

INT. PALACE CORRIDORS
Team Rocket finds a strange room and they enter it. Inside, it looks like a darkened and refurbished reconstruction of the lab that first spawned Mewtwo.

RUMY: ...which it is.

MEOWTH: Lookit these...

They look and see a Charizard, Venusaur and a Blastoise in Big Glass Test Tubes, sleeping. A Charizard looks like a dragon, a Venusaur looks like a dinosaur with leaf fronds for spins, and a Blastoise looks like a two-legged purple turtle with guns mounted inside its shell. No, seriously.

MEOWTH: They're Pokémon!

WILL: Y'THINK?

JAMES: Are they real?

RUMY: In this animation style, who knows?

JESSIE (disappointed, walking away): I was hoping there'd be a party.

WILL: "Forget actually doing my job. I just want to get hammered."
TIM: If you were these guys, you would too.
WILL: Point.

Jessie sits on a button and a computer turns on. It has a very fuzzy screen.

RUMY: It still looks better than the movie.

COMPUTER: This is the Pokémon replication syystem. System activated. Pokémon base functioning. Pokémon DNA sampling sequence now in progress.

All of a sudden a mechanical arm grabs Meowth and throws him onto a conveyor belt.

WILL: Why just Meowth? How can it tell James and Jessie are human beings? I can't.

MEOWTH: Hey! Put me down! What're you-- let go-- woo!

Meowth sits on the conveyor belt for an instant before frantically scrabbling for footing.

WILL: Ah, Meowth. We hardly knew ye.

MEOWTH: HEEEELP!

WILL: Don't worry. It'll be quick and painless, unlike your entire career.

JAMES: Meowth!
JESSIE: Grab him!
James grabs Meowth and Jessie grabs James just as a mechanical arm grabs Meowth by the hairs.

RUMY: Hm. They actually seem to care about Meowth.
TIM: Duh! He's a collector's item!

MEOWTH: Help... me...

TIM: What about a fly Pokémon named "Helpme?"

Jessie and James pull Meowth out, but not before the machine gets three hairs from his tail.

TIM: I mean an insect Pokémon, not one that's really "fly..."
WILL: We're ignoring you anyway.

MEOWTH (in pain): MEEEOWTH!
MEOWTH (a beat later): I made it... but just by a hair.

WILL: Too bad. That hair contained all your vital organs. So long.

On the computer screen a figure of Meowth's three hairs shows up.

JAMES: Look. There's your hair.
COMPUTER: Analyzing Pokémon biomaterial sample...

The hairs turn into a double helix, then reform into a computer-animated Meowth.

WILL: Problem. Pokémon appear to be asexual. We've never seen them even dating, let alone...
TIM: ...scrumpin'.
WILL: ...Yes.

COMPUTER: Analysis complete. Pokémon identified. Begin replication sequence.

WILL: Since when do asexual beings have "DNA" to begin with?

JAMES: Who's that Pokémon?
JESSIE: It's Meowth!

RUMY: Oh, how cute. They're playing the game aimed at three-year-olds.

In an empty test tube next to Team Rocket, a Meowth falls down from a pipe into it. It sleeps peacefully, suspended in fluid. JAMES, JESSIE, AND MEOWTH: Meowth? MEOWTH: But I'm Meowth!
JAMES: So's the one in the tank!
JESSIE: That's your clone!
MEOWTH: Huh?

WILL: Clone. CLOOOOOOOONE!
RUMY: They're just making sure that Amer-- that children understand the concept.
TIM: What were ya about to say just then, Rume?
RUMY: Nothing.

Mew appears behind Team Rocket again, with the same slapstick shtick as before.

MEW: Mew?

TIM: Translation: "Every time I show up in this movie, we sell more cards."

The computer comes to life again, activating a fuzzy, damaged recording.

WILL: If only this whole movie were fuzzy and damaged. Sometimes DVDs can be a curse.

DOCTOR: I haven't got much time. I pray this record of our experiments survives. A year ago, we found a fossil that proved to be the remains of the ancient Pokémon, Mew.

WILL: Wait. He recorded all this while Mewtwo was destroying the lab?
TIM: Giovanni hired 'im for his talent with expository dialogue.
RUMY: This wouldn't be necessary if they hadn't been so afraid of silence. They cut the scenes where this actually happened.

DOCTOR: There was sufficient genetic material to replicate Mew, but Giovanni, who funded our project, insisted we try to design superclones more powerful than any living Pokémon.

WILL: When it all goes down, blame your sponsors. Yep, he's a scientist.

DOCTOR: Many attempts failed, but finally our experiments proved successful. We designed a living Pokémon. We called it Mewtwo.

RUMY: And now he's doing what you were. They say abuse is passed from the father to the son...
WILL: Don't go there.

DOCTOR: But for some reason the creature's anger is out of control.

TIM: Must be colic.

DOCTOR: With its psychic powers, it's destroying our laboratory. We dreamed of creating the world's strongest Pokémon. And we succeeded.

WILL: He recorded this RIGHT IN FRONT of Mewtwo and Mewtwo PRESERVED it?
RUMY: Well, it's the closest he has to a birth certificate.

The computer shuts off, leaving Jessie and James at a loss for words.

WILL: Loss for words? YAYYYY!

JESSIE: Sounds like a real Pokénstein.

WILL: NOOOOO!

JAMES: Sure does.
MEOWTH: One baaad cat.
JAMES: So this must be the lab.
JESSIE: But Mewtwo destroyed it.
JAMES: Somebody rebuilt it.
JESSIE: Yes, but who?
JAMES, JESSIE, AND MEOWTH: Hmmm.

WILL: Why don't you guys just think about that for the next three hours.

INT. PALACE RECEPTION ROOM

MEWTWO: You humans are a dangerous species. You brought me into your world with no purpose but to be your slave. But now I have my own purpose. My storm will create my own world... by destroying yours.

TIM: It's always good to have a goal.
WILL: "I'm not sure what my world will look like yet. I'm expecting a lot of rubble, though."

BROCK: So you hate all humans and you're going to destroy us to save Pokémon!

WILL: Actually, destroying the humans just MIGHT save this movie.

MEWTWO: No. Your Pokémon will not be spared. They have disgraced themselves by serving humans. Those Pokémon are nothing but slaves.

WILL: "Whereas my Pokémon are... um... personal assistants."
TIM: "Whereas I disgraced myself by servin' humans without even knowin' it."
RUMY: "Whereas I, a Pokémon and Pokémon master, am both master and slave."

Pikachu protests, jumping out of Ash's arms.

PIKACHU: Pika! Pika pika! MEWTWO: So... you say I am wrong? That you are not this human's servant, you are his friend?

TIM: Actchally, he said somethin' like "fight the power, brother."

PIKACHU: Pika!
MEWTWO: You are as pathetic as the rest.

WILL: And as bathetic.

Mewtwo lifts Pikachu up with his mind and throws him... but Ash jumps back and catches him, landing on his own back. (The animation in this sequence is not very plausible.)

PIKACHU: Pika! ASH: Pikachu! MEWTWO: Humans and Pokémon can never be friends.

RUMY: He can't see it. It was right in front of him, and he can't see it.
WILL: That humans and Pokémon really are friends?
RUMY: That "Ash" learned to fly in that sequence.

Misty and Brock close in to help Ash.

MISTY: Ash, are you OK?
ASH (to Mewtwo): Don't pick on Pikachu.

TIM: "Oh yeah? Hey, butterball! Are those yer eyes, or didja steal 'em from Frosty the Snowman?"

SOROA: If you are a Pokémon, there's no reason I can't capture you! GOOO RYHORN!

Ryhorn, a rhinoceros Pokémon, charges at Mewtwo. Do we even need to tell you that Mewtwo stops Ryhorn at the last possible second, holds him in midair, then and shoots him back across the room? No? Good.

SOROA: No! Ryhorn!
MEWTWO: Fools! Your Pokémon attacks cannot weaken me. My powers are too great. No trainer can conquer me.

RUMY: "Except me!"
TIM: And then he starts ta beat himself up.

ASH: Then you won't mind provin' it in a real match!

WILL: But he just did! Twice, even!

MEWTWO: Is that a challenge?
ASH: You bet it is.

RUMY: "All right. I'll take that bet. I win! That was fun. Let's do it again!"

Mewtwo's eyes begin to glow.

INT. LAB
Charizard, Venusaur, and Blastoise come out of their test tubes, prompting Jessie and James to grab each other in fright.

TIM: He's gay, an' she's not. What a waste of two perfectly good hugs.

JESSIE: They're awake!

They walk out the door, and then Mew flies out with them.

JAMES: I'm scared!
JESSIE: Me too!
MEOWTH: Meowth!

WILL: "Because we may have fought Charizards before, but they weren't... clones! That's C-L-O-N-E-S, kids!"

INT. RECEPTION ROOM

The three Pokémon join Mewtwo as he addresses the crowd.

MEWTWO: Like most Pokémon trainers, I too began with Charmander, Squirtle, and Bulbasaur. But for their evolved forms I used their genetic material to clone even more powerful copies.

RUMY: "Then I had to train the clones all over again."
TIM: "I'm still workin' out the bugs."

SWEET: Copies?
UMIO... OR SOROA... WHO CARES, REALLY?: They're clones!

WILL: Say it with me, now...

Everything starts shaking and a huge door opens. Inside is a Pokémon battlefield. BROCK: A stadium! Mewtwo planned this all along!

RUMY: "And here I thought he only wanted to offer us tea and crumpets."

SOROA: Your fake Venusaur can't beat my real one! (to his Venusaur) Right, Froufrou?

TIM: If yer Pokémon's name is "Froufrou," anyone can beat 'im. Includin' Meowth.

SWEET (to her Blastoise): We'll blow away that Blastoise, won't we, Shellshocker?

WILL: She is kind of cute.
TIM: When was it that you and Kath split up, Will?
WILL: A month ago.
TIM: Yeah, pretty soon ya'll be oglin' anythin'. Ya perv.

ASH: He may not have a nickname, but I do have... Charizard. I choose you!

WILL: He "wants to be the very best," but he doesn't name his Pokémon? This is sort of like the world's best dog trainer calling his dog "Dog."

Ash throws his Pokéball. Charizard comes out, and gives Mewtwo an evil look.

TIM: "Grrr... I chews you!"

Charizard shoots fire out at Mewtwo, who easily protects himself with a force field.

ASH: Charizard, I didn't say start!

Mewtwo shoots up water and the fire goes out. He stares down Ash's Charizard.

MEWTWO: Your Charizard is poorly trained.
ASH: ...Hm.

TIM: "Oh yeah? Well... uh... yer ugly!"

MEWTWO: Which of you will oppose me first?

RUMY: "How about the loudest, least competent-looking trainer? Then we can work our way up and have more dramatic tension."

Soroa sends out his Venusaur to meet Mewtwo's.

SOROA: I underestimated you last time, but that won't happen again.

WILL: "This time I know I'll lose!"

SOROA: Gooo Froufrou!

The Venusaurs begin to charge.

SOROA: Razorleaf!
MEWTWO: Vine Whip.

TIM: Actchally, accordin' ta the cards...
WILL: Shut... up.

Froufrou sends a couple of rapidly-spinning leaves into the air. Mewtwo's Venusaur sends out vines that chop up the razor leaves, then wrap around Venusaur, lift him up, and toss him across the room.

TIM: Little Venusaur Froufrou, chargin' through the stadium, gettin' scooped up by vine-whips an' boppita'd on the head.

SOROA: Froufrou!

RUMY: Are they required to call the names of their Pokémon when those Pokémon are defeated?
TIM: Yeah, it's so the brain damage don't make 'em forget their names.

You know how the next two battles are going to go, right? Sweet gets swatted and Ash gets burned. Let's move ahead to the end of the Charizard battle.

ASH: Charizard's in trouble!
MEWTWO: Finish it.

TIM: Whoa, Pokémon/Mortal Kombat crossover!

Mewtwo's Charizard slams Ash's into the ground. Ash's Charizard gets up... roars loudly... then faints.

ASH: Oh, Charizard, no! Are you okay?

TIM: See, now Charizard's gonna wake up thinkin' his name is "Ocharizardno."

MEWTWO: As the victor... I now claim my prize. Your Pokémon.

Mewtwo throws his hands up and 3 Black Pokéballs appear. They shoot out and capture Shellshocker, Froufrou, and Ash's Charizard. A small gold statue lifts up and the balls shoot down into the hole.

TIM: Balls shootin' down inta the hole! Kinky!
RUMY: Please.

ASH: Hey, wait! What are you going to do with those Pokémon?
MEWTWO: I will extract their DNA to make clones for myself. They will remain safe on the island with me, while my storm destroys the planet.

WILL: "They will remain safe on these 100 acres while I destroy the entire ecosystem."

Mewtwo raises his arms again and hundreds of Black Pokéballs appear.

BROCK: You can't do this!
ASH: Yeah, Mewtwo! We won't let you!
MEWTWO: Do not attempt to defy me!

Mewtwo looks at Ash and throws him into Brock.

WILL: THANK YOU!
TIM: An' Brock thanks ya, too.

MEWTWO: This is my world now!

Mewtwo drops his arms and all the Black Pokéballs start flying everywhere. No important dialogue here, not like there was much before. The Pokéballs are everywhere, catching the trainers' Pokémon. When they catch them, the Pokéballs fly back into the hole under the raised statue.

WILL: Rumy, did they just cut the footage of Mewtwo defeating Umio?
RUMY: ...No.
TIM: Balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls, balls...

The trainers are trying to protect their Pokémon, but the Black Pokéballs are too many and too fast. Only Bulbasaur and Squirtle are fighting them off successfully, and even that looks temporary.

ASH: Hey, I know! Mewtwo can't capture them if they're already in their Pokéballs! Bulbasaur, Squirtle, return!

WILL: Did... wait... did Ash... just have... a... Did Ash just have a GOOD IDEA?

Ash holds up the Pokéballs, and Bulbasaur and Squirtle "zap" back in.

MEWTWO: It is no use.

Two Black Pokéballs go up to Ash, open, and capture his Pokéballs.

MEWTWO: It is futile to try to escape my power.

WILL: Whew. False alarm.

Misty puts Togepi in her bag and shuts it tight while Brock holds Vulpix close.

RUMY: Note that. "Misty," and only "Misty," manages to rescue one of her Pokémon. Significant.

BROCK: Never mind the Pokéballs! Carry 'em away!

It doesn't work. The Pokéballs claim all the Pokémon until the only two left are Togepi, safe in Misty's bag... and Pikachu, running with dozens of Pokéballs on his tail.

TIM: "Gotta all catch 'im!"

Long sequence follows here, which Will describes in detail at this link. Suffice to say that Ash and Pikachu make a herculean effort to protect Pikachu from the Black Pokéballs, and when they fail, Ash dives down the hole after the Pokéball with Pikachu.

INT. LAB
Team Rocket is still in the Lab, which is where all the copies are going. They are amazed at all the copies dropping into all the test tubes everywhere.

JESSIE AND JAMES: There goes Alakazam! Dewgong...

TIM: Oh, yeah. Dewgong. With special "rest" ability. Short for "rest of the abilities were already taken" ability.

They continue to recite randomly selected names from the Pokédex. Meowth picks up the chorus, then turns back to his own clone.

MEOWTH: ...But me, I got a special place in my tail for this one.

TIM: Ah, shove it up yer tail.

JESSIE: Look there!

Ash falls down the corridor, right behind the last Pokéball.

ASH: I don't have time for a dumb mono today!

WILL: "Mono?" Monologue?
RUMY: Monomania?
TIM: Monosodium glutamate?

He runs right past Team Rocket, runs onto the conveyor belt, jumps, and grabs Pikachu's Pokéball just as the machine analyzes it.

TIM: "ANALYZE THIS!"

Meanwhile, Jessie and James watch the monitor, which shows the shape of a computer-animated Pikachu.

JAMES AND JESSIE: Who's that Pokémon?

WILL: Could it be the silhouette of the Pokémon you've spent the ENTIRE SERIES trying to catch?? Naaah...

JAMES AND JESSIE: It's Pikachu!

About a dozen little grapplers come down on Ash, trying to take Pikachu's Pokéball away from him. Ash fights them all, even biting one.

ASH: Let go! Stupid machine! Give me back my Pikachu!

WILL: Geez...
RUMY: It is mildly impressive, even by anime standards.
TIM: An' just think, hundreds a' thousands a' kids across the country feel the same way about their Pokémon!

Ash comes charging out of the machine, breaking grapplers as he goes and holding the black Pokéball in his hands. The whole machine starts blowing up, and Pikachu comes out of his ball.

ASH: Pikachu!
PIKACHU: Pika!
MEOWTH: What's happening?

WILL: If you find out, tell us.

ASH: I'm so glad you're okay.

All the clones begin coming out of their tubes and walking out of the room.

JESSIE: The copies are hatching!

WILL: Or... birthing. Or shedding. Or something.

Some more clones come out.

JESSIE: They're fabulous things!
MEOWTH: Send in the clones!

WILL: Why aren't we watching the dubbed, pun-free version?
TIM: Ta torture you.
RUMY: I've seen it in Japanese. I thought seeing this would be more educational. And (sigh) I suppose I was right.

ASH: But where are the real ones?
PIKACHU: Pika?
JAMES: I wonder if they're real?
MEOWTH: Clones are.

WILL: Clone! Noun! 1. Copy of a living thing from the same genetic material!
TIM: 2. A computer that copies an OS.
RUMY: 3. The reason no one reads Spider-Man comics anymore.

An explosion releases the black Pokéballs, and all the original Pokémon come out of them. Squirtle and Bulbasaur come out of their Pokéballs, which came out of the black Pokéballs.

JESSIE: The originals!

WILL (as James): "I wonder if they're the real originals?"

Two of the black balls open and two normal Pokéballs come out; then those open and Squirtle and Bulbasaur come out. Ash and Pikachu runs over and starts laughing and hugging each other.

ASH: Squirtle's back! You're all okay!

TIM: Except for, ya know, the planet gettin' destroyed an' everything.
WILL: What was that about "a world we must defend?"

EXT. STADIUM

There's a really obviously altered sequence involving computer-animated closed doors.

[Rumy winces and sniffs.]

MEWTWO: Humans, you have served my purpose. I am sparing your lives... for the moment.

WILL: "Destroying the world always makes me feel generous."

MEWTWO: But you cannot escape your fate. The hour of my vengeance draws near. Behold. With Pokémon and humans eliminated, the clones shall inherit the world.

RUMY: Now they're even mistranslating the Bible. Very thorough.

Then there is an explosion, surprising even Mewtwo. All his clones come walking out. And then... From the smoke, Ash and all the original Pokémon emerge.

TIM: Who's the cat who won't cop out when there's danger all about?... ASH!

ASH: You can't do this. I won't let you.

WILL: First it was "we won't let you do this," and then Mewtwo did it. So now Ash feels "I won't let you do this" is more intimidating?

MISTY: It's Ash!
BROCK: All right! MISTY (seeing Psyduck): Psyduck! BROCK (seeing Vulpix): Vulpix!
MEWTWO: It is useless to challenge me.

TIM: "I'm already challenged!"

ASH: It's not gonna end like this, Mewtwo! We won't let it!

WILL: "We want a BETTER end of the world! Fireworks, volcanoes, and lots of nukes!"

Ash stops, gathers himself.

ASH: You're mine!

WILL (as Mewtwo): "I bet you a quarter I can stop Ash without touching him."

Ash charges at Mewtwo and aims a punch at him, but Mewtwo stops him in his tracks, lifting him up.

MISTY: Ash, no!
BROCK: Look out!

TIM: Look out! Flying Ash! Nyuk yuk!

Mewtwo throws Ash into a huge statue at high speed. But just as he's about to hit it--which would cripple him, if not kill him-- a pink bubble cushions him like a trampoline.

MEWTWO: ...What?

WILL: Pink is my new least favorite color.

Mew flies up to Ash and stares at him. Then Mew pops the bubble and Ash falls, about a foot, to the face of the statue. Mew starts giggling.

MEWTWO: Can it be...?

RUMY: If this is Mew's genetic "parent," then how did they get the fossil? Did Mew just nap underground for 500 years?

Mew makes another bubble and starts jumping up and down on it, giggling and having a good time. Then Mewtwo makes a black electric ball and shoots it up, where it pops Mew's bubble. Mew turns around and looks at Mewtwo, confused. Mewtwo makes another and aims it at Mew, unsuccessfully. Mewtwo makes 3 more and throws them all up at Mew. Mew dodges them all and starts giggling again.

WILL: Sort of Ultimate Jai-Alai.

BROCK: What's that?
MISTY: I don't know...

RUMY: "But have you noticed how all we do in this movie is stand around and wonder?"
TIM: "I wonder why."

MEWTWO: Mew. So finally we meet.
MEW: Mew!

Mew looks around at everyone, paying little attention to Mewtwo.

RUMY: An attention span shorter than the average Pokémon player.
TIM: Actchally, Pokémon players're very focused. We're obsessed. That's why we'll RULE! MWAHAHAHA!

MEWTWO: I may have been cloned from your DNA. But now I will prove that Mewtwo is better than the original. Superior to Mew. Mew continues to pay attention to Brock, Pikachu, stray air molecules, everything but Mewtwo.

WILL: You know, it is easy to tune him out.
RUMY: The second talking Pokémon... and for the most part, he has nothing to say.

BROCK: Mew and Mewtwo. SWEET: So Mewtwo was cloned from Mew.

TIM: No, actchally, Mew was cloned from Mewtwo. They called him Mewtwo cause he's the "beta" version.

MEWTWO: (starts glowing) This world is too small for two of us!

WILL: "Sonny, this town ain't big enough for the two of us, 'specially with me destroyin' it, an' all... so I've givin' you till sundown to make me leave town!"

Mewtwo starts chasing Mew everywhere, shooting more electric balls at him. But Mew keeps flying and dodging.

WILL: Maybe it's more like Extreme Dodgeball.

MEWTWO: Why do you flee from me? Are you afraid to find out which of us is greater?

Mewtwo makes another black electric ball and shoots it at Mew. This one connects. It smashes Mew right in the face, and Mew goes flying off into the sky.

TIM: Blackballed!
WILL: Yes! Now one for Ash, one for Meowth, and one for yourself, and you'll become my all-time favorite character, Mewtwo!

Everyone is then shocked, and Mewtwo smiles...

...But then the same type of ball, only blue, comes back and hits Mewtwo. He crashes into a wall in a massive explosion.

TIM: Black an' blue!

Team Rocket has just dug their way up from the lab and have to run to escape the rubble from that explosion.

WILL: What's your hurry? Oh, wait, think I saw a rare Pokémon in that falling debris! Go back and get it, Meowth!

Mew flies back down. Mewtwo floats up from the fire and rubble, though it seems to have taken him a few seconds longer than usual. MEWTWO: So you do have some fight in you. But I have no time for games.

WILL: "I HAVE NO TIME FOR GAMES???" What have you been doing for this ENTIRE MOVIE???

MEWTWO: Destiny is at hand. Who will rule? My super-Pokémon? Or your pathetic group of spineless, inferior Pokémon?

RUMY: I think that's a leading question.

MEWTWO: We were created with powers far stronger than the originals.

WILL: "And we're on sale in 3-card packs in stores everywhere! Replace your spineless, inferior Pokémon cards today!"

MEW: Mew, mew... mew mew mew... mew, mew... mew mew mew. MEOWTH: Mew's got a good point. JESSIE: What's it saying?

WILL: "That no matter how hard George W. Bush tries, he'll never convince conservatives that he's not pro-choice."

MEOWTH: Mew says you don't prove anything by showin' off a lot of special powers, and that a Pokémon's real strength comes from the heart. MEWTWO: My clones don't need their powers to prove their worth!

TIM: "Our hearts can leap out of our chests and beat up your hearts!"

Mewtwo shoots another black electric ball at Mew, but Mew dodges it. It just barely misses Ash as he starts climbing down the statue.

WILL: So close! Why, why, why must I always hope?

MEWTWO: I will block all the Pokémon's abilties using my special powers. Now we will see who triumphs. GO!

RUMY: All the Pokémon's abilities? Including Mew's?
TIM: Includin' his own?
WILL: And then he falls and drowns.

Some spiritual or something called "Brother, My Brother" starts playing on the soundtrack.

TIM: If this were REALLY a song about acceptance, it'd be called, "Brother, My Sister."

All the clones start attacking the original versions of themselves. The clones have an early edge, but the battles soon turn to stalemate.

WILL: Emphasis on the "stale."

Mewtwo makes a visible blue force field around himself. Mew makes a pink one. They fly up high and keep ramming into each other.

TIM: BOUNCey BOUNCey BOUNCey BOUNCey...

Pikachu looking around at the clone war, until he sees his clone standing there ready to fight him. Pikachu can't believe it. The clone crackles a little with electricity.

WILL: Um, hey, Pokémon with unblocked powers over heEEEYAAAGHH...
TIM: Hey, the Clone Wars!

Joy, Sweet, Brock, and Misty are only spectators.

TIM: Hey, did Somoa an' Umio just get bored an' go downstairs or somethin'?

NURSE JOY: Pokémon aren't meant to fight... not like this. It's useless. What can come out of it? SWEET: Nothing... but pain.

TIM: WAR! HUH! What is it GOOD FOR? HUH!

BROCK: Why can't Mewtwo understand that it's not right to force Pokémon to battle this way?

WILL: Gee, I don't know. Maybe he watched too many cartoons with mixed messages.

MISTY: They're all living creatures. This just proves that fighting is wrong.

WILL: Well... fighting is wrong...
[Tim notices Rumy is shaking.]
TIM: Rumy? Y'okay?

James and Jessie watch helplessly too, elsewhere in the stadium.

JAMES: I was prepared for trouble... but not for this. JESSIE: Make it double. JAMES: Now I see how horrible fighting really is.

RUMY: THOSE... INCOMPETENTS!
WILL (deeply shocked): What?

JESSIE: Even the best of friends will fight sometimes. JAMES: I'll promise never to fight again if you will. Oh, Jessie!

RUMY: There was no anti-war message in the original movie! The whole point of the Japanese version...
TIM: There was a point?
RUMY: Was that clones shouldn't be fighting JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE CLONES! That they were all living beings, all "real," and had rights as such... They... They took the ONE original idea in this movie and DISNEYIZED it, those... those GLIB, STUPID, SUGARCOATING... [She pauses.]
TIM: Say it. Y'know y'wanna...
RUMY (finally): AMERICANS!

James and Jessie fall down in each other's arms, crying.

JESSIE: James!

RUMY: No offense to you two, of course.
WILL: ...Of course not.

Meowth watches them.

MEOWTH: Hmmm.

Meowth notices something behind him.

MEOWTH: Hmmm?

TIM: Um... hey! A Pokémon named "Hmmm." How 'bout that?

It's his clone. Meowth panics.

MEOWTH: AAA!

They take out their claws and prepare to fight.

TIM: "Prepare to fight." I see they practice what they preach.

But Meowth looks at his claws and reconsiders.

MEOWTH: Ehhh, what am I doin'? CLONE MEOWTH: Meaaa...

WILL: Meowth's clone can't talk? That IS an improvement.

MEOWTH: Let's get somethin' straight, copycat, You-owth ain't gonna push Me-owth around! CLONE MEOWTH: Myow myow? MEOWTH: Y'mean... we don't hafta fight with each other? But how can I trust you? You was born different.

WILL: Rumy? There's a little of...
RUMY: Too little. Too late.

CLONE MEOWTH: Meow meow. MEOWTH (looking at his claws again): I almost made a clawful mistake. But how do I know you're not gonna pull a fast one on me?
CLONE MEOWTH: Myaaa!

WILL: Because that would make the movie better.

MEOWTH: You're right, we do have a lot in common. The same Earth, the same air, the same sky... Maybe if we started lookin' at what's the same, instead o' always lookin' at what's different, well, who knows?

TIM: "Yeah, you're a crook just like me, of course I'll trust ya!"

Meanwhile Mew and Mewtwo are still bouncing around, fighting.

Pikachu's clone continues to beat on Pikachu, who refuses to defend himself.

WILL: Gandhi would be so proud.

And Ash is finally making his way back to the ground. ASH: Pikachu, quit it! Please! Stop! (falls to the ground). BROCK: Ash!
MISTY: Are you okay?

WILL: Statistic, Tim: How many times in the series does Misty ask Ash if he's okay?
TIM: 4,318.
WILL: I said the series, not just this movie.

ASH: We've got to stop this. BROCK: But how? All Mewtwo cares about is proving how strong those superclones are.

WILL: And there's the little matter of (ahem, not to harp on this) DESTROYING THE PLANET...

More pointless and painful fighting. More sappy music. It's just a bad scene all around.

NURSE JOY: I'd rather risk my life out in Mewtwo's storm than watch these Pokémon destroy each other. MISTY: Oh, me too.

WILL: Oh, darn. See you later.

NURSE JOY: I wish there was some way to stop them. I don't know what to do!

WILL: Um, you could start by separating the smaller Pokémon, who (if you recall) HAVE NO POWERS...

BROCK: I don't think they'll ever stop. Those Pokémon look ready to fight to the death!

TIM: Otherwise known as... "The Long Faint."

MISTY: That's a fight... that nobody's going to win. ASH: Somebody's got to take a stand... and refuse to fight... just like... Pikachu.

TIM: Hey, look! Now yer girlfriend Sweet's disappeared too, Will!

Pikachu's clone keeps slapping Pikachu in the face, over and over and over, but every slap seems to hurt the clone more than Pikachu. Tears well, then fall, from the clone's eyes. And still Pikachu refuses to fight.

TIM: GANDHI RULES!
[Will looks uncomfortable.]

Mew and Mewtwo's fight finally goes on ground, just as Pikachu's clone collapses in Pikachu's arms. Both Mews suspend their force field. Ash runs out between them as they charge up to blast each other.

WILL: So what was the Japanese version of this one, Rumy?
RUMY: Oh, this was a foolish move in any language.

ASH: You've got to stop right now!

Mew and Mewtwo fire at each other with Ash in the way.

TIM: No, dont'cha get it? He's a Christlike figure! The name "Ash" means wood, like on the cross!

ASH: NOOO--

Both beams hit Ash. He falls to the ground. He looks dead... and then turns to stone.

WILL: Just for good measure.
RUMY: Because they could never show a dead flesh-and-blood body in this violent anti-violence special. That might be confusing.

MEWTWO (awed despite himself): Fool! Trying to stop our battle...!

WILL: He says, stopping the battle.

Pikachu runs out to Ash and starts shaking Ash.

PIKACHU: Pikapi! Pika...

Pikachu thundershocks Ash.

TIM: CLEAR!
WILL: Um, yes. Let's electrocute him back to life.

Then again. Again. And again. And again... until his batteries are exhausted. Ash hasn't moved.

Pikachu begins to cry. Then all the other Pokémon look at Pikachu, including the clones, and they start crying. All their tears float over and land on Ash.

MISTY (in shock): Please no...

WILL: "Please don't save him! I've got star potential, but as long as he's on the show I keep getting lines like the one about the 'shocking ending!'"

The tears make Ash glow, but that's all. Finally, Pikachu's tears fall onto Ash. Ash turns back to flesh... and back to life. ASH: Pikachu! PIKACHU: Pika pi!

TIM: No, "Pikachu." Guy's got a one-word vocabulary an' he can't even get that right.

Mewtwo observes Ash, Mew, and the others with newfound respect and no hostility.

MEWTWO: The human sacrificed himself to save the Pokémon.

WILL: ...Um, only in the sense that a drunk driver "sacrifices himself" to save the gene pool.

MEWTWO: I pitted them against each other. But not until they set aside their differences did I see the true power they all shared deep inside.

TIM: "If I bottled that stuff, I could make a mint!"

MEWTWO: I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.

TIM: So ya don't mind if I call yer Mom a skanky crack-ho?
RUMY: (grumbles)
WILL: I don't know, Rumy. A lot of great movies glorify war and have anti-war themes... not like this movie's any good, but it's not a great crime against art... I guess I just like anti-war themes...

Mew and Mewtwo begin levitating the clones into the air. ASH: Mewtwo, where are you going?

TIM: "I'm goin' ta Disneyworld!"
WILL: "Pokémon's taking THAT over, too!"

Mew flies away with all the clones.

MEWTWO: Where my heart can learn what yours knows so well. What transpired here I will always remember. But perhaps for you, these events are best forgotten.

WILL: ...WHAT?

All of a sudden the whole palace fills up with bright light and everyone disappears...

TIM: "Thanks ta my brand-new 'make-it-didn't-happen' power."
WILL: He taught them that uplifting, life-altering message and then GAVE THEM AMNESIA?? This is the WORST THING MEWTWO'S EVER DONE!
RUMY: Do you dislike this movie as much as I do now?
WILL: YES!
TIM (embracing them): I love how these shared experiences bring us closer.

INT. FERRY STATION
We've slipped back in time. The Pokémon trainers are just about to go on the ferry.

OFFICER JENNY: ...this could be the worst storm ever.
BOIJER: You must listen to me. You have got to find shelter.

WILL: "Shelter from listening to me, that is."

Nurse Joy steps through the crowd. NURSE JOY: Excuse me, please. The Pokémon Treatment Center will be open as a shelter. Anyone who needs a place to stay should come with me.

TIM: Ohhh, yer invitin' us all back to yer place! I get it!

BROCK: Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny are great. They get more beautiful every time I see 'em.

TIM: He says, sittin' on his @$$ while they get some. Phoney.
RUMY: Original translation: "Nurse Joy, the officer, and Ms. Boijer. Even more beautiful than usual when they are wet by the rain."
TIM: Maybe he's only gay in America.

ASH: Hey guys, how'd we wind up in this place anyway?

WILL: "Why are we here? Who are we? What is our purpose?"

MISTY: Well... I guess we're just here because we're here.

RUMY (frostily): How Zen.

ASH: Yeah. Let's eat!
VOICE: Look! It's a miracle!
ANOTHER VOICE: The storm disappeared!
ANOTHER VOICE: That's so weird!

WILL: "Great! Now we can ALL go over to New Island and ALL get our Pokémon captured and ALL forget about it!"

Ash, Misty, and Brock run outside, close to the end of the dock. Boijer and Jenny stand behind them.

BOIJER: It's good to have things clear again.

WILL: "Clear?"
RUMY: Just the weather.

Ash looks up and glimpses Mew in the clouds.

ASH: Hey, what's that? MISTY: What's... what?

[Tim zaps Rumy across the nose with his pinky.]
TIM: That!
[Rumy grabs the pinky and squeezes. Tim whimpers until she releases him.]

A beat.

MISTY: I don't see anything, Ash. BROCK: Except the sky.

WILL: "I don't see you, I don't see the dock, I don't even see the ocean." SPLASH!

ASH: Hm. The day I left home to start my Pokémon journey, I saw a really rare Pokémon. And just now, I thought I saw another one.
MISTY: Well, maybe you're just seeing things, Ash!
ASH: Huh?
BROCK: Well, maybe he's not.
ASH: Well, maybe we'll see.

TIM: I see. No, wait... I'M SO CONFUSED! (phony sobs)

NARRATOR goes on a little while about nothing in particular.

EXT. NEW ISLAND
Meanwhile, Team Rocket sits on New Island, where the palace used to be.

WILL: Wouldn't it be great if Team Rocket remembered the moral, even if no one else did?
TIM: Yeah, they could be PokéProtesters! Wave signs around that say "Stop the Madness" an' throw red paint on Pikachu!

JESSIE: I haven't got a clue how we got here, but who cares? JAMES: This is paradise. MEOWTH: For once, a happy ending. JESSIE/JAMES/MEOWTH: Team Rocket signing off agaiiiiiin!...

RUMY: How long before they realize they have no food or water?
WILL: Those three? Realize things?
TIM: Hey, glad ya came by, Rume. Glad I was able to corrupt ya inta a rude bitch.
RUMY (bowing): Thank you for your hospitality, Tim. I had a lovely time.
TIM (annoyed): Yer just sayin' that ta annoy me.
[Pause.]
TIM: Yer learnin'.

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