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[EDITOR'S NOTE: This little run takes place between the last two scenes in "Alien Worlds." How's THAT for tight continuity?][The club meting room darkens. A movie screen descends from the ceiling, and projectors in the back warm up.]
[TIM, WILL, and ALISIN sit in one of the front rows, and several unidentified Science Fiction Club members sit behind them. WILL looks sad but contemplative. ALISIN and TIM sit on either side of him, their usual cheerful selves.]
WILL: I'm surprised you came along, Alisin. I thought you
didn't like The Matrix. You called it "angsty."
ALISIN: Yeah, but that was before Tim 'splained the fine art a'
mockin' these bad movies. The way he tells it, you guys turn every single movie
inta "Rocky Horror!"
TIM: I am so flattered. So
how you feelin', Will? Gotcher sense o' humor back yet?
WILL: I'd better, hadn't I? What's there to say? It's over. Kath
won't consider starting up again... and it takes two.
ALISIN: Awww, don't worry, big guy... I'll give y' a sympathy
f#$%.
[She takes his hand, gently.]
[A handcuff SNAPS around his wrist.]
TIM: Or at least a brain-f#$%.
WILL: What... what IS this? [Struggles, finds he's shackled to
his seat, grabs Alisin's spiked collar.] EXPLAIN.
ALISIN: Nothin' personal,
big guy... I just always wanted to chain up somebody really strong and powerful
an' watch 'em writhe in torment. 'Specially somebody who spits in his ex's eye,
then gets all drippy an' sensitive when he blames 'er for leavin'... actually, I
guess it IS kinda personal.
TIM: Don' worry,
Willy. I'll stop 'er if she starts ta offend my delicate
sensibilities.
WILL: There is NOTHING you can do to
me. My nerves are burned right OUT.
ALISIN: Did
we mention we ain't really watchin' The Matrix?
[Pikachu's face appears onscreen.]
WILL: MUHHHHHH...
WILL: [long
silence]
SUBTITLE: Pikachu Project '99 Presents:]
["Pikachu's Rescue Mission" plays on the screen. Lots of psychedelic-looking characters repeat parts of their names over and over and over and over, and there's pretty much the same everybody-meets-fights-then-pulls-together-and- departs-friends-in-time-to-get-back-to-their-human-masters plot as "Pikachu's Vacation." Oh, and Meowth once again suffers for no good reason.]
ALISIN: Oh, wait, that WASN'T the acid.
TIM: Ya gotta wonder about poor ol' Meowth. I
mean, somewhere, some kid is gonna see this movie an' that'll be his first
exposure to th' world of Pokémon. I guess th' senseless, an' in this case
totally undeserved, sufferin' of Meowth is a good way ta prepare these kids for
real life. Wouldn't ya say so, Willy?
[Logos come up from Kids' WB, Nintendo, and 4 Kids Entertainment.]
TIM: Willy?
ALISIN: Y'think
we've gone too far?
TIM: He's a feisty li'l guy.
He'll get over it.
[Ext. shot: Three islands, seen from a fourth.]
[Yadoking, looking out at the islands on the ocean. Yadoking guards a stone tablet with writing. He wears some clothing, but no pants.]
TIM: "These 'Pokémon Blue' cheat codes are MINE, ya hear?
MINE! MINE!"
ALISIN: Are we bein' flashed?
[ You then hear Jiralden/Jiralden (Japanese/American names) talking in the background. He seems to be translating the tablet's inscription.]
JIRALDEN: "Disturb not the Harmony of Fire, Ice, and Lightning... lest these Titans wreak Destruction upon the World in which They clash.
WILL: ...In... In other words, leave lightning alone and
it'll leave YOU alone?
TIM: Willy!
Yer...
ALISIN: Sh, don't jinx it.
JIRALDEN: "Though the Water's Great Guardian will arise to quell the Fighting, alone Its Song will fail, thus the Earth shall turn to Ash.
ALISIN: "Ash." That's an upper, right?
WILL: No, he's usually a severe downer.
JIRALDEN: "O Chosen One, into Thine Hands bring Together all Three; Their Treasures Combined tame the Beast of the Sea."
[Jiralden is inside a large chamber with what looks like planetary models.]
JIRALDEN (smiling): Now it begins.
WILL: Thanks for telling us.
TIM:
"An' now it's a little after the beginnin'. And now it's time to do some
exposition that involves a lotta repetition of Pokémon names."
[A computer speaks up behind him, using holographic visual aids to show three birds.]
TIM: "Help, I'm the spirit of Majel Barrett Roddenberry, and I can't get out..."
COMPUTER: Analysis indicates that the Titan of Fire referred to in the ancient inscription is the legendary Pokémon, Moltres, believed to have originated in a remote region of the Orange Islands. The Titan of Lightning is the Pokémon Zapdos, and Articuno is the Titan of Ice. Historical records confirm that the three legendary Pokémon are unique species found only in the vicinity of Shamouti Island.
WILL: Unique... SPECIES. There are ONE of each of these
Pokémon types... and they're SPECIES. What's wrong with this classification
system?
ALISIN: Ain't we all a species of one?
WILL: Actually, you and Tim are like two halves
of the same being.
[Jiralden sits in front of some computer graphics, representing the three birds' islands and the Big Shamouti Island in a map grid.]
ALISIN: An' yet, none a' the islands are orange. What's up with that?
JIRALDEN: Moltres, Zapdos, and Articuno. Any one of them would be a priceless addition to my collection. But together... they are the three keys that unlock the ultimate treasure.
TIM: "We three keys of Orient are..."
COMPUTER: Pokémon matching subject parameters: Moltres, Articuno, Zapdos detected.
ALISIN: These Pokémon got nothin' better to do than sit around an' match parameters? They oughta try weed.
JIRALDEN: Then let's get started.
[Jiralden rises in his chair, up through a Renaissance ceiling of angels and into an elevator shaft.]
TIM: "God complex? Nah, I think my bein' God is pretty simple."
JIRALDEN: Which one is nearest?
COMPUTER: The fire
Pokémon, Moltres.
JIRALDEN: Good.
WILL: "Since we went to the trouble of always mentioning that one first."
[Then you see his huge, floating ship coming to a nearby, smaller island, shooting at it with ice blasts, freezing large sections of it. Moltres comes out of one of the frozen sections, breathing fire at Lawrence's ship.]
ALISIN: Yeah, that's my breath when somebody wakes me up in the mornin' too.
[Lawrence seems unconcerned as he manipulates a holographic chessboard of sorts.]
JIRALDEN: Now the chase... is on.
WILL: Okay. "Chase?" Moltres is trying a frontal assault. This must be a definition of "chase" with which I am unfamiliar.
[The floating ship shoots Moltres with a number of ice blasts. It dodges some, but others weaken it. Then the ship sends out metal bands that soon form an electrical sphere around Moltres, a sphere that soon brings it to the ship.]
TIM: A bird in the bands is worth two in the rush.
JIRALDEN: Well, I've taken the first piece without much difficulty. It's like a simple game of chess.
WILL: A *simple* game of chess? Okay, how much you want to bet the translator has never played a SINGLE game of chess?
[As he speaks, the chessboard changes.]
ALISIN: No bet, but I bet they read a lotta "Alice through the Looking-Glass."
JIRALDEN: Next, I'll capture Zapdos, and Articuno soon after, and that will flush out the king. And then... that's when the game is going to get interesting. "Bring together all Three; their Treasures combined tame the Beast of the Sea..." Lugia.
WILL: At the risk of being redundant... flushing out the king is when the chess game STOPS getting interesting! Chess isn't some glorified fox hunt, it's about strategy and brinkmanship and... and... (sniff) I miss Kathy...
[Camera pans out of the ship, to the ocean, then underwater... where something floats. Something living, large, and powerful, like a Loch Ness monster.]
TIM: Uh... WOO HOO!
ALISIN:
WHOA-HO! SEXUAL SYMBOL!
WILL: You
insensitive...
TIM: Can ya FEEL it, Willy? The
flippers PULSIN' as we go DEEPER?
[Cut to title: POKEMON: THE POWER OF ONE.]
ALISIN: One what?
WILL: The title's very anti-Japanese in spirit. Theirs is a very
conformist culture in general. Rumy'd probably have some interesting things to
say about that.
TIM: Well, that's why we didn't invite
Rumy ALONG. I mean, duh.
[SUBTITLE: Pikachu Project '99 Presents:]
TIM: Oops, must be on a feedback loop. We're gonna hafta see "Pikachu's Rescue Mission" again.
[Pan in on a boat with the sails down. Pikachu mans the bow, while Tracey Sketchit draws in the front and Ash and Misty relax in the back.]
TIM: Heh-heh... see, Tracey is an ARTIST, cause, y'know,
"Tracey" an' "Sketchit."
WILL (sighing): Yes, it's
very literary.
ALISIN: Wait... whoa! Y'r right!
IRRITATING NARRATOR: Another perfect day in Paradise. The weather, warm. The breezes, balmy! The water, calm, and crystal clear.
WILL: The alliteration, annoying.
Even Pokémon trainers deserve a break on a day like today. And as our heroes sail through the Orange Islands, Ash Ketchum is dreaming of his next big adventure. Little does he know it will be his greatest.
ALISIN: He gets laid?
ASH (stretching his arms): Ah... nice day!
MISTY:
It's beautiful! Right, Togepi?
TRACEY: Hey, Ash, think we
have time to give the other Pokémon a little fresh air?
TIM: "Nah, I'm sure they'll be fine on the single breath of oxygen stored in each o' their Pokeballsies."
[Turns out there's a brand new green-haired human character steering the boat. Her name is Marin, not like it's mentioned anywhere in this scene.]
ALISIN: Oooo... green haiiir...
TIM: I call dibs!
WILL: She is kinda cute.
As geometric shapes go.
MARIN: Sure, Tracey! It'll take us about an hour to get to the next
island. There's plenty of time!
ASH: Well, what are we
waitin' for?
TIM: The theme song!
[Ash and co. let out their Pokémon, most of which enjoy swimming
alongside the boat. The song "Pokémon World" plays as the opening credits roll.
For extra viewer comments, click here!]
WILL: I think this counts as "disturbing the
harmony."
*So you wanna be a master?!?!?!?
*
*PO-KE-MON!*
*Do you have the skillz to be, NUM-BER ONE?!?!?*
TIM: Yeah, f33r my madd sk1llz.
ALISIN: Hah?
I wanna take the ultimate
step, find the courage to be bold...
(Po-ké-mon!),
To risk it all, and not
forget, the lessons that I hold...
WILL: "Like...
um... like all the LESSONS I've learned that make me so much MORE MATURE than I
was when this series began. And junk."
I wanna go, where
no-one's been, far beyond the crowd (Po-ké-mon!),
Learn the way, to take
command, use tha power that's in my hand!
WILL:
...And in my pocket petting zoo.
We all live
(yeeaah!), in a Pokémon world (po-ké-mon!),
I wanna be (yeeaaah!) the
greatest master of them all (tha greatest
master!),
We all live (yeaaah!)
in a Pokémon world (Po-ké-mon!),
I put myself, to tha test, to be better than
all tha rest! (Uhn!)
TIM: An' one day, he'll
hafta school his own buddies ta get t'the championship. This series is so tragic
an' deep.
*So you wanna be a master?!?!? *
*PO-KE-MON!
*
*Do you have the skillz to be, NUM-BER ONE?!?!?*
ALISIN: Eh, I'm more the slave type. Soft, gentle...
WILL: Ahem. [Jiggles his handcuffed
wrist.]
ALISIN: I'm just really really good at
hidin' it.
We all live (Yeaaaah!) , in a Pokémon world
(Po-ké-mon!),
I wanna be (YEAAAAH!), the greatest master of them
allll!
PO - KE - MON!
WILL: To master
mastery.
TIM: AN' have the courage to be bold.
ALISIN: It's kinda Bizarro Nirvana. Their
songs are all, "I suck because I suck." This is just as logic-f#$$%ed, but used
f'r "good," not "evil."
[Team Rocket-- Jessie, James, and
Meowth-- follow the boat in a pedal-powered submarine that looks like a giant
"Magikarp" fish.]
WILL: ...I don't know why I
BOTHER to point these things out, but... they can afford a SUBMARINE, but not a
MOTOR?
[Suddenly a storm blows up. Ash and co. start
returning their Pokémon as the ship gets tossed about. Down below, Team Rocket's
submarine gets sucked out of control to the surface by storm currents and, just
for good measure, a school of real Magikarp.]
WILL:
And do they REALLY think a 500-pound sub is LESS conspicuous because it looks
like a giant fish? With a periscope?
[Pikachu keeps a
lookout. He seems to feel something's wrong.]
ALISIN: "My undies are bunchin' up."
TIM: Dang, you're GOOD at this!
WILL: ...
[Underwater, that mysterious underwater thing swims some
more.]
TIM (French accent): Zymbolizing... zexuelle
reprrression.
ALISIN: HA HA HA
SNORT
WILL: ...
MARIN: We're
way off course.
[Ash, Tracey, and Misty make "Huh?"
sounds.]
WILL: "We had a COURSE?"
MARIN: That's Shamouti. We're right in the middle of the
Orange Islands.
TIM: Rhymes with "ya booty."
ALISIN: Well, that can't be an accident.
[The boat, the Magikarp, and the Team Rocket sub all head
straight for Shamouti.]
[Team Rocket struggles in the sub, and
gradually right themselves. Well, turn themselves rightside-up,
anyway.]
WILL: With their oar-powered rudder, no
doubt.
JESSIE: An island.
JAMES: In a
storm.
MEOWTH: I seen this movie!
JESSIE:
Uh?
TIM: So have we! It's POKEMON: THE FIRST MOVIE
all over again!
[The sub starts heading toward a
reef.]
JESSIE: Do we have... carp insurance?
ALISIN: "All our stuff is heavily insured! Why do y' think th'
boss sends US out onto it?"
MEOWTH:
Huh?
JESSIE: We're about to be...
MEOWTH:
Filet-o-fish?
WILL: Well, it's not like you can't
start pedaling backwards, now that you've righted yourselves, and at least
minimize the damage...
[Sub smashes into
reef.]
WILL: Oh. I guess it IS like that.
[New scene: opens with snapshot of Ash, Misty, Brock,
Pikachu, Togepi, Professor Oak, and Ash's Mom.]
TIM:
Ah... good ol' Ash's Mom-Type-Person.
We pan through Ash's
Mom's house to outside, where Ash's Mom, Mrs. Ketchum, is gardening and a
Pokémon, Mr. Mime, is sweeping. Professor Oak comes up, riding on a
bike.]
OAK: Good morning, Dyria! Well, you certainly do have a
green thumb!
ALISIN: "Yeah, goes nicely with
my freakishly normal hair color, don'cha think?"
TIM: Ooh! Was that "Dyria" or "Tyria?" We've never heard Ash's Mom's
name before!
WILL: NEVER? We're supposed to memorize
251 Pokemon names, but we don't know the name of the lead character's MOM?
MRS. KETCHUM: Well, thanks, Professor! But the truth is, I've
been getting a lot of help with my gardening lately! The weather's been just
beautiful!
OAK: Well, this is the time of year when the sun shines
every day! Heh, heh...
ALISIN: Don't the sun
shine every day THROUGHOUT th' year? I'm kinda a night owl, but I think that's
right...
[As if on cue, a cold wind blows up, followed by
a black cloud and a hard rain. Mr. Mime puts an umbrella over Mrs. Ketchum's
head. Then the rain suddenly stops.]
OAK: Say... that was
awfully strange.
MRS. KETCHUM: And it passed by so
quickly.
WILL: "Almost as if it were some kind of
foreshadowing."
[It starts snowing.]
MRS.
KETCHUM (excited): Oh, my! It looks like snow!
ALISIN: Nah, snow is dry an' powdery. Oh, wait, you mean the
OTHER snow.
MRS. KETCHUM (confused, after a beat): It...
is snow... but this is summer. How can it... snow?
TIM: All right, Willy, before ya say it, that line ain't as stupid as
it looks. Rose petals fall a lot in Japan, an' they really do look like snow
sometimes.
WILL: Hey, I've got an anime education.
OAK: I... I don't know.
[They look up and see
a huge flock of Pidgey flying away. Then the snow stops, and the clouds go
away.]
WILL: Please note that the clouds came in
and are now leaving from BOTH DIRECTIONS. That IS a strange wind pattern.
[A swarm of Diglet come and pick up Oak while on his bike. He
jumps off.]
ALISIN: Moral a' the story: bikes
are fun to break.
[Mr. Mime starts trying to tell Mrs.
Ketchum something by saying "Mime! Mime! Mime!"]
WILL: And I thought nothing could be more annoying than ACTUAL
mimes...
MRS. KETCHUM: What is it,
Mimey?...
ALISIN: "Is Li'l Timmy trapped in
the well?"
TIM: "Has Timmy trapped Willy in the
well of despair?"
WILL: I will live to make you
regret this.
MRS. KETCHUM: Mr. Mime is very upset.
OAK: Yes, and so are the other Pokémon. Pokémon are more in tune
with nature than we are. When something goes wrong, they can sense it. And I'm
afraid that something somewhere is going terribly wrong.
WILL: I'm glad we have a professor to explain to us that clear skies,
sudden rain, snow in summer, and then clear skies again in three minutes is a
sign of something wrong. We might have missed that, otherwise.
[Back to Ash and company, getting off their boat on the
Shamouti shore.]
ASH: We sure are lucky.
ALISIN: "I want to be the very luckiest."
MISTY: If we hadn't found this place, we'd be in real
trouble.
TRACEY (looking off-screen): Uh... uh... I think we still
might be.
TIM: "See, I made a Mickey Mouse drawing
in seventh grade, an' Disney's lawyers have copyrighted my right hand."
[A bunch of people dressed up in primitive masks and tribal
clothes come to greet them.]
THE LEADER OF THE MASKED PEOPLE:
Marin, how are you?
WILL: "I don't know. Who's
Marin?"
ALISIN: I think it's some kinda tribal
greeting, like "Yo."
[Leader unmasks and we can see she's
a girl, probably pretty, not like we can really tell, given that all Pokémon
females except Jessie have pretty much the same face.]
LEADER
("CAROL"): It's been a while.
SHIP'S CAPTAIN("MARIN"): Carol, I
can't believe it! It's great to see you!
ALISIN: "An' I don't just mean that in a platonic way!"
CAROL: What are you doing back on Shamouti
Island?
MARIN: We got caught up on that storm and floated in. And it
looks like we got here at the perfect time.
TIM:
What a COINCIDENCE!
CAROL: You're right. The annual Legend
Festival starts today!
MARIN: This is my favorite island holiday!
MARIN [makes fluting gestures]: Are you going to be the star of the
show again?
ALISIN: Hmm. Mmmm. I can only
think a' one kinda "show" that involves a lot a' flutin' gestures... an' it's
usually a one-on-one thing... but maybe I'm not thinkin' very hard.
CAROL: No, I'm too old to be the Festival Maiden anymore.
So this year, my little sister's going to take over for me. Here she
c--
ALISIN: "Then we're gonna toss me int' an
active volcano an' pour eggnog down after me!"
LITTLE
SISTER (off-screen): I'm right here!
[Camera shows a very
modern-looking young teenager. She is the new Festival Maiden, but doesn't look
the part.]
SISTER: The only one not wearin' a stupid costume!
You'd think after a few centuries, you'd have outgrown this dorky
ritual.
TIM: Hey now, Pikachu is also not wearin' a
stupid costume.
WILL: Pretty well nailed Ash,
though.
CAROL: It's our tradition! You should be honored to
take part.
SISTER: Don't worry, I'll play my role in the big
"Legend..." I've only seen you do it like a zillion times.
CAROL:
Just be there! (to Marin) Well, unfortunately, that's my sister. Her name is
Melody, but don't get fooled. She's not always this adorable.
WILL: "So to recap, I'm Carol and this is Melody. Unfortunately, we
couldn't bring our cousins, Symphony, Viola, and Song-ia."
[Melody rolls her head from side to side with exaggerated
impatience, cracking the bones in her shoulders.]
TIM: OW!
ALISIN: My kinda girl.
CAROL: Who's this?
MARIN: Oh, sorry! This is
Ash Ketchum. He's a Pokémon trainer.
WILL: "The
others aren't really important."
ISLANDERS (chorus): A
Pokémon trainer?
[Melody doesn't join in the chorus, but she
does turn her head, intrigued.]
TIM: Second moral:
Kids who collect Pokémon cards get chicks.
[Lots of cheering
follows, as if Marin had just presented proof of the Second Coming. One man in a
mask comes forward.]
MAN: The Ancient Legend foretells Your
arrival!... and only with You can the Guardian of the Waters vanquish the great
Titans of Fire, Ice, and Lightning!
WILL: You are
the multipurpose ABC fire extinguisher of Messiahs!
[MAN
unmasks.]
MAN: In Your Hands, O Chosen One... In Your Hands
rests the World and Its Fate!
TIM: Global warming is
ALL YOUR FAULT!
ASH: It does?
MAN (relaxing):
Heh, don't let it worry you, kid. It's just for the tourists!
WILL: Um... there are four tourists there, and they're all in some
way related to the kid.
MAN (lowering his mask, briefly):
Rest in peace.
ALISIN: I hate that
expression.
MELODY (approaching Ash): So you're a Pokémon
trainer, huh? Hm... I guess he'll do. Here's a traditional welcome
kiss.
[Melody kisses Ash on the cheek. Ash stammers, Togepi
cheers, and Misty flushes.]
[Melody notices that the kiss
bothered Misty, and turns to her.]
KITSUNE76
(from the back): "Don't worry, snookums, you're still my favourite bundle
o'lurve."
MELODY: Are you his little
sister?
MISTY: I am not!
MELODY: Then, I guess you must
be... his girlfriend.
TIM: We knew that Loch Ness
Sex Monster meant somethin'. Shoujo alert!
MISTY: Egh!
Gross!
MELODY: *I* don't think so. I'll be happy to play for him at
the legend banquet. Starts around eight. Oh, and Misty... try not to get
jealous.
ALISIN: "How'd y'know my name?"
WILL: "I'm not even one of the 251 Pokemon!"
[Misty scowls. Ash laughs
nervously.]
MAN: We have found our Chosen One!
WILL: Chosen by whom?
TIM: It's a
mistranslation. See, the scroll actually means "Choosin' One," as in "I
choose..."
WILL: Gotcha.
[Musical instruments play as the procession moves from
the dock. Misty and Pikachu both look troubled, but Pikachu looks at the sky. A
few quick "festival" shots showing a mishmash of Inuit traditions. Next real
scene: Ash, Misty, and Tracey eating at one table, the old man, Marin, and Carol
at another.]
MARIN: And she says, "No, but I have
Krabbys!"
ALISIN: Crabbies? Eyuh! What a
potty-mouth!
[General laughter at Marin's table as we pan
to the other one.]
MISTY (to nobody): That's ridiculous. Me,
Ash's girlfriend! (wolfs down food) It's totally ridiculous!
WILL: "Ranma 1/2 For Preschoolers."
ASH: I can't
wait to see what my part in the legend ceremony's gonna be!
WILL:
"Maybe I'll have to do something REALLY hard, like having a conversation where
I'm not the center of attention!"
[Melody emerges onto a
nearby stage. She's in a ceremonial dress, playing a conch that's fluted like an
ocarina.]
TIM: Oooo, playin' with th' conch!
TRACEY: Ash, that's her. The girl we met on the
beach.
MISTY: Melody.
ASH: Melody?
WILL: MELODY! ME-LO-DY! Hey, Ash, what's your Mom's name?
[Melody dances and plays the flute, clearly pleasing her
friends and family. Ash and Tracey are pleased too,
but...]
MISTY: Hmph. She's a big showoff.
ALISIN: "Flouncin' around in that shameless li'l Gothic weddin'
dress..."
[Melody finishes playing.]
TIM: Do ya know "Tiny Bubbles?"
MELODY: Hear ye
all! From the Trio of Islands, Ancient Spheres shall You take; for between Life
and Death, all the Difference You'll make.
TIM:
Wait, "hear ye all?" So everybody here has t' take th' spheres?
MELODY: O Chosen One, You must climb to the Shrine to
right what is wrong... and the World will be healed by the Guardian's
Song!
WILL: Only if the Guardian's Song begins the
closing credits soundtrack.
[As she talks, she lays a
hand on Ash's arm, and Misty gives a little cry of alarm.]
ASH:
What do I do?
ALISIN: "Heh. First y' lay y'r
hand on MY arm, an' then we grind."
MELODY: I just told
you, Ash.
ASH: Yeah, I heard all that stuff, but... what do I have
to DO?
WILL: Get devoured by fire ants, slowly,
while on life-support so it lasts as long as possible.
MELODY: Oh, it won't be very hard, Ash... not for you.
And besides, almost all the Chosen Ones come back alive!
WILL: You mean... no, no, I *won't* let myself hope.
CAROL: Melody!
MELODY: All you have to do is
get these glass balls from the three islands. One from Fire Island, one from Ice
Island, and one from Lightning Island. And you bring 'em to the shrine back
here. And then... I celebrate by playing this song.
TIM: Hm. He never really DID that, did he? Just saved the Planet Earth
with 'em. Slacker.
[She flutes a little
more.]
ALISIN: How t'pick up guys: Show 'em
y'r good with y'r lips.
MELODY: And then it's over!... O
Chosen One.
ASH: Do I get to wear a cool costume?
WILL: "Maybe a hair shirt and spiked collar?"
ALISIN: Hey, that IS cool. Hair shirts. Mmm.
MELODY: Sorry, but it's just come-as-you-are. Besides,
you look perfect to me! The handsomest Chosen One in years.
TIM: Yeah, most Pokémon trainers over 13 are pretty pimply an' ugly.
Poor slobs.
ASH: Okay. Get me a boat and I'm
ready!
MELODY: Oh, there's no hurry. You have all day tomorrow.
Tonight's just for the party. Stay... have some fun.
ALISIN: Doin' what? Sittin' around some more an' listenin' t'
talk about crabbies? I mean, no offense, but you guys ain't exactly throwin'
Woodstock 2000 here...
ASH: Well, some things are more
important than fun! I'm Ash, the Chosen One! This is serious. I gotta be
responsible.
TIM: An' with great responsibility...
comes great power. Or somethin'.
MISTY (frostily): That's
a switch.
MARIN: You know what? I like your attitude. We can take
my boat, Ash.
ASH: Then let's go! You comin',
Misty?
MISTY: No thanks. If you want somebody to do whatever you
want, whenever you want, you should find yourself a
girlfriend.
ALISIN:
SNRRRRK
WILL: Yeah... if you're THAT
chauvinistic, you DESERVE that punishment...
TIM:
I think she's sendin' a "signal" here, Ash...
[Pikachu
takes Ash's hat and runs off with it. Ash chases after
him.]
ASH: Pikachu! Pikachu? Gimme back my
hat!
WILL: I need it to turn around backwards at
dramatic moments!
[Next scene shows Team Rocket, in their
now mostly destroyed sub, pedaling along.]
JESSIE: Our ship is
ruined.
WILL: "In case you somehow missed that."
JAMES: I'm sick over it.
MEOWTH: I'm seasick
over it!
TIM: "Ha! I'm fatally infected over it! I
win!"
ALISIN [looks uncomfortable]
[Marin's ship, carrying Ash and Pikachu, comes by Team
Rocket and their sub turns over.]
JAMES: Wasn't that...
JESSIE: The twerp?
WILL: Which one?
MEOWTH: And Pikachu, too!
[It starts
raining, again. And Team Rocket's boat turns over AGAIN.]
TIM: Sorta the Wile E. Coyotes of anime.
WILL: Only their 30-second sketches run for 22 minutes.
[Slowking looks out from a
cave.]
SLOWKING: "Disturb not the Harmony of Fire, Ice, and
Lightning..." ::sighs:: What a mess.
WILL: "I just
*cleaned* that ocean."
[Ash's ship sails through the
tough waves.]
ASH: I hope the Legend Ceremony doesn't include a
funeral!
TIM: "Nah, just a cremation, which is why
we like our Chosen Ones to be named 'Ash.'"
[Next scene
shows Melody looking out.]
MELODY: This storm's bad. What if
those two can't make it to the island? Carol, I have to take your boat.
ALISIN: "I'm a klepto."
CAROL: But Melody, what can you do?
ALISIN: "Y'r just a girl!"
MELODY:
They're caught out in this storm because of our stupid ritual. And I'm the one
who picked Ash for it.
WILL: "So the only decent
thing I can do is drown with him."
MELODY: I just hope
they're all right.
[Team Rocket climbs out onto the Shamouti
docks. They watch as Melody, Misty, and Tracey run to the
boat.]
TIM: Hey, is "Team Rocket" singular or
plural?
WILL: Either one. Three zeros equal one
zero.
MELODY: What are you coming for?
MISTY:
To find Ash. And before you say it's because I secretly like him, don't. Cause I
don't.
WILL: "It's just... he's always where the
ACTION is in these movies, okay? If I'm gonna get even a HALFWAY decent scene in
the third act..."
MELODY: Hey, chill out! You sure are
sensitive about somebody who's not your boyfriend.
MISTY: He's not
my boyfriend! He's a boy, and he's a friend, but he's not my
boyfriend!
ALISIN: He's just *a* boyfriend!
Specifically, Pikachu's!
TRACEY: You talkin' about me?
ALISIN: Hey, that line didn't suck!
WILL: Hollywood Rule: If you're in a role where
you get half-a-dozen lines or less, make sure at least one of them is a good
one.
[The three of them ride Melody's much more
modern-looking speedboat through the surf.]
[In the back, Team
Rocket peeps out from under a tarpaulin.]
JESSIE: What we won't
do....
JAMES: ...for Pikachu.
MEOWTH: Hah
HAH!
TIM: Naw, "hoo HOO." These guys got one thing
they do well, an' Meowth keeps messin' THAT up.
[Jiralden's floating ship.]
TIM: Man, Deep Space Nine has really let itself go.
JIRALDEN: "Disturb not the Harmony of Fire, Ice, and
Lightning..." It seems there's been a shift in the balance of
power.
ALISIN: "Power must have had a bit too
much to drink."
[Some of Jiralden's chessboard turns
yellow.]
COMPUTER: Pokémon Zapdos detected.
WILL: "We detected it before, but kind of lost it while you were
playing solitaire chess."
[The Shamoutians watch
TV.]
TV: Experts now believe that the weather disasters
occurring in all parts of the globe are due to a powerful and previously unknown
phenomenon from deep beneath the surface of the ocean.
TIM: "But weather forecasters believe it's caused by not watching
enough TV."
[TV shows a CGI of an underground river. This
TV looks like some near-future model of Internet TV.]
TV: This
is a simulation of the underwater river that has snaked its way around the
planet, disrupting ocean currents, weather patterns, and the entire global
climate.
WILL: "Turns out it's Exxon's new
pipeline."
[Oak works in his lab with Mrs.
Ketchum.]
ALISIN: Sly devil, ain't he?
OAK: I wonder if this is what's been upsetting all the
Pokémon.
TIM: "They marched on Washington an' tried
ta chant environmental slogans. It was pretty pathetic."
[A window shatters, letting in snow.]
TV:
The source of the disturbance appears to be centered at the north central region
of the Orange Islands.
OAK: The Orange Islands?
WILL: "The ones with all the Agent Orange?"
MRS. KETCHUM: But that's where Ash and his friends are
right now.
[A phone icon wiggles near the
screen.]
OAK: Ooh. Someone's calling.
TIM: "I'd tell ya who, but this incredibly sophisticated videophone
don't have caller ID."
[Oak does something and the screen
switches to Professor Ivy, who regards him with a sedate look. Behind her, Brock
struggles with some unruly Pokémon.]
TIM: Woo-hoo!
Da Brock-man! My favorite closeted gay Pokémon character!
ALISIN: Brock? Bi maybe, but gay? Nah, he just needs a li'l...
coaxin'.
IVY [very sedately]: Professor, we're having
problems.
ALISIN: 'Ludes. Definitely on
Quaaludes.
OAK: What is it, Professor
Ivy?
IVY: The Pokémon here are behaving very
strangely.
WILL: They're repeating EACH OTHER'S
names and licking their personal regions.
[Ash and Marin
on the boat, still tempest-tossed.]
ASH: It looks like the
storm's over.
MARIN: But the sea keeps getting
rougher.
WILL: Wasn't there a sea storm in the
first movie too?
TIM: Motif!
[The ship gets tossed around and despite Marin's best
efforts, the rudder is hit off.]
MARIN: The rudder is no longer
working.
TIM: Slacker.
[Their ship crashes into a rocky shore, and they climb
off.]
MARIN: Well, at least we made it,
but...
[Pikachu runs off. Ash gives chase.]
WILL: It's a good thing Pikachu's so "in tune with nature." I don't
think even Lassie could detect Timmy in the well if he was MILES OVERSEAS.
ASH: Pikachu! Where you goin'?
MARIN: Ash, we
shouldn't split up, the storm might pick up again!
ALISIN: "We gotta stay with the boat an' get washed back out!"
ASH: Pikachu's been actin' really weird! I got to find
out why!
MY NAME IS KENNY (from the back):
Lately, he's even been acting like he doesn't like being forced to live in
eternal combat by a sadistic, glory-obsessed ten-year-old! What is
up??
KITSUNE76 (from the back): It's called "Characterisation," hon. I know
it's not something you're used to.
BLACKJACK (from the back): He was looking
at a Ash/Pikachu lemon site and doesn't trust you anymore...
[He leaves Marin with the boat.]
[Melody,
Misty, and Tracey in their ship, getting tossed around
too.]
MELODY: Okay, hold on, guys.
[Melody's
speedboat "shoots the curl," riding the side of a giant wave.]
WILL: This part needs a Beach Boys soundtrack.
MISTY: Cool move.
MELODY: I've been around
boats all my life. You don't have to be scared.
ALISIN: "Just 'cause your lives are in my hands now and I've
been vampin' your boyfriend, that don't mean y'gotta be nervous!"
MISTY: Oh, I never get scared out in the ocean. I come
from a water Pokémon gym.
WILL: After all,
swimming pools are just like the ocean, only chlorinated.
[In
a move that defies at least two laws of physics, a wave tosses Melody's boat
into the air, where it somersaults, throwing Team Rocket out of the back and
into the island. No, really.]
TIM: Ya know, if I
were Team Rocket, I'd be takin' the subtle hints that th'whole universe keeps
droppin'.
[Melody's ship smashes ashore, but much more
gracefully than Marin's did.]
MELODY: Hey, are you okay?
MARIN: Yeah. But I think the boat's in pretty bad shape.
WILL: "Which removes my only real contribution to
the plot, so no, I'm not doing too good."
MISTY: Where's
Ash?
MARIN: Up there!
ALISIN: At
the Pearly Gates, gettin' judged an' soon t'be sent down into a pit of eternal
torment!
[Melody's boat has landed on a ledge and it is
slipping off.]
TRACEY: We're slipping!
[Melody
opens the sails and the boat catches the wind and starts
flying.]
TRACEY: It... flies?
WILL:
Guh... geh... GYA HA HA HA HA HA! WHY NOT???!!! HA HA HA!
[They land on the stairs to the
temple.]
MELODY: If you know how.
WILL: SURE HA HA HA HA! I THINK I WAS ABSENT THAT DAY IN MARINE
ORIENTATION... HEE HEE...
MISTY: Awesome!
TRACEY: Hang on!
[The wind drags the boat up the
stairs.]
WILL: Rudders? (hee hee) We don't need no
steenking rudders... and the bottom of a boat is vastly overrated.
MISTY: Let's find Ash.
MELODY: Yeah, and if
he needs any help... his girl friend's here.
MISTY: But I'm not...
MELODY: Well, like you said, you are a girl and you are his
friend... isn't that right?
TIM: So that's why
Melody's kinda cool to this whole island gig. She's studyin' ta be a lawyer.
ALISIN: Does that mean Misty's also a
"cowgirl?"
[Misty smiles peevishly, but nods her head.
The next scene shows Jiralden up in his flying ship. Moltres is trapped in an
electric cage.]
JIRALDEN: Poor Moltres. You seem so miserable.
But they say misery loves company.
WILL: That sure
explains the guys in the back, then.
[Computer shows
graphic of Zapdos.]
COMPUTER: Zapdos detected.
WILL: "For the third time running."
ALISIN: "Sky detected."
[Ash runs up stairs while chasing
Pikachu.]
ASH: Pikachu!
[Team Rocket crawls out
from under a rock and sees Ash.]
JESSIE: Hey look.
JAMES: There they are.
MEOWTH: I can't believe our
luck.
TIM: I can't either. I mean, what are the
odds that even two LOSERS would fail ta nail their target over 200 TIMES? That
ain't just bad luck, that's gypsy-curse level.
JAMES:
Yeah.
MEOWTH: Pikachu.
JESSIE: We'll get you.
TIM: Hey. I just realized... "Pikachu..."
"Peek-a-boo." When they named that li'l guy, somebody must've had skimpy outfits
on their mind.
[Pikachu leads Ash to an altar and points
to a stone.]
ASH: The ancient sphere.
[Ash
pulls out the stone, with difficulty. It is glowing and has fire
inside.]
WILL: AHHHH! IT BURNS! And then he bursts
into flame.
[He and Pikachu are heading back
when...]
MEOWTH (off-screen): Guess who,
Pikachu?
ASH: Huh? Was that...
ALISIN: The Undertaker!
TIM:
Disney hit men!
WILL: "SMILE! You're on CANDID
CAMERA!"
[Meowth, Jessie, and James are artfully posed at
the top of the stairs.]
JESSIE: Prepare for more trouble than
you've ever seen.
JAMES: Better make it double, cause we're on the
big screen!
WILL: You mean they're aware they're
in this cartoon... and they still DO it?
TIM:
Masochists.
ALISIN: Yeah.
ASH: I'll have to catch this on
video.
[Team Rocket nearly collapses. Ash threw off their
groove.]
WILL: "A halfway decent line? You can't DO
that!"
ASH: I'm in a hurry here! And this weather's been bad.
JESSIE: It has been bad. Isn't that always our luck? But our luck's
changed, and our ship has finally come in.
[Melody's boat comes
behind them. They barely have time to notice and run before it crashes into the
temple.]
TIM: "Uh... as I was sayin', our luck's
changed, an' thirty million dollars is about to drop from th' sky."
MELODY: Well, I hope you're happy, Mr. Hero. If you'd
just listened to me in the first place and stayed at the party like I told you
to, we wouldn't be stranded here on this island.
ALISIN: Flirt like crazy one hour, then henpeck 'im the next.
Girl's a player.
MISTY: Welcome to my world. I have to
deal with his stubborn attitude every single day.
MELODY: Oh, you'll
get used to it. It's just something you'll need to work on when the two of you
get married.
ALISIN: "But... we been
travelin' together since the series began! We practically already ARE married!"
MISTY: Take that back!
JESSIE: Listen to me,
kid. When you get involved with the opposite sex, you're only asking for
trouble.
TIM: An' when ya get involved with the
same sex, yer askin' me ta watch.
JAMES: Yes, and that's
the kind of trouble I stay out of.
TIM: Yyyyyyep. We
know, James. You keep writin' love letters ta Brock an' I'm sure he'll give ya a
tumble one day.
MEOWTH: Youse guys don't need the
opposite sex, cause you've got each other.
JESSIE: What does that
mean?
JAMES: [unintelligible]
NODROG: It means some of the darkest, most twisted pokemon
fanfic writers out there... were right!
KITSUNE76 (singing): Slash
writers are everywhe-re.
Slash writers are
everywhe-re.
[Zapdos appears and starts
shooting electricity at them.]
WILL:
Yeah, that's pretty much my reaction to Team Rocket,
too.
ASH: Pikachu, it's Zapdos.
TIM: "Put 'im on call
waiting!"
[Zapdos strafes them, then comes back
for another pass.]
ASH: Pikachu, no!
[Pikachu gets on the boat and starts
shocking Zapdos. Zapdos shocks Pikachu back, bowling him
over.]
ALISIN: Pokémon
foreplay.
[Zapdos rests on the altar and the
island becomes electrified. Pikachu still continues to shock
Zapdos.]
JESSIE: Pikachu's pretty tough...
but Zapdos isn't even feeling its attacks.
MEOWTH: Those
aren't attacks, Jessie. Pikachu's tryin' t'talk to Zapdos. It's sayin', "What
are you doin' over here on Fire Island, Zapdos, and where's Moltres?"
WILL: "Now it's sayin',
'What are you doin' with those losers, Meowth, when your talk-to-animals power
could have given you a lucrative career in veterinary medi...'
Hmmm."
JESSIE: Good questions.
[Zapdos and Pikachu are connected with a
strand of electricity. Pikachu staggers, then straightens,
listening.]
JESSIE:
Translation?
JAMES: What's it saying?
WILL: Did he just translate
"translation?"
TIM: "Whaddayasay,
whaddayasay!"
MEOWTH: It sayin' Moltres used to
rule here... "But now dat Moltres is gone, Lightnin' shall rule over Fire, and I
claim this island as my own from this day forward." Heh. I guess Moltres flew da
coop.
[Electricity lances out in all
directions... but something in the sky starts to drink it in. That something is
Jirudian's ship, which begins to comes
down.]
COMPUTER: Absorbing Zapdos's
electrical energy.
WILL:
"Expositing shamelessly."
JIRUDIAN: Drained of
its power, Zapdos will be too weak to resist
capture.
WILL: "Unless I send
out an electrical trap for him that will recharge him. But that would just be
stupid."
[Jirudian's ship sends out square
electric things that catch Zapdos, and, in the process, Ash, his friends, Team
Rocket, and the boat too.]
ALISIN: Not too discriminatin', are they? "Hmmm, looks like
four kids, two guys in spandex, an' a boat! What a cleverly disguised
bird!"
JIRUDIAN: Once I've captured Articuno...
the real prize will appear.
ALISIN: "A Best Picture Oscar."
WILL: Don't even JOKE...
[A silver,
stylized bird figure appears on Lawrence's
chessboard.]
[That thing is still swimming
underwater. Is it a bird, or the Loch Ness
Monster?]
TIM: An' stroke! An'
stroke! An' stroke! Feel the calories meltin' away!
WILL: That's right, Tim. Mock the physically
fit.
COMPUTER: Code Blue 3. When capturing
Zapdos, we collected something... more.
JIRUDIAN:
More?
WILL: "More
arrogant."
[Ash and co. in a cage with Zapdos
and Moltres in a cage next to
them.]
TRACEY: Zapdos. And
Moltres.
MELODY: [Sees a stone tablet.] Hey, what's this?
"Disturb not the Harmony of Fire, Ice, and Lightning... lest these Titans wreak
destruction upon the World in which They clash."
Hmmm...
ALISIN:
"...Sounds like Milton. If Milton got
drunk."
[Lawrence descends in his
chair.]
JIRUDIAN: Well, this certainly is
a pleasure, though an unexpected one. What do you think? Moltres, the Bird of
Fire, and Zapdos, the Bird of Lightning. Of course, without Articuno, it's not a
complete set, but...
TIM:
"...they can be YOURS for only $3999.95! Order today, an' we'll include
Tupperware leg irons!"
MISTY: That's
disgusting! The way you talk, it's like Pokémon are just things to collect, like
dolls or stamps! ...
WILL:
...
TIM: Yeah! They're supposed to be tools to
world domination instead!
MISTY: What kind of
trainer are you?
ALISIN: Ooo, somebody call
PETA...
JIRUDIAN: I'm afraid I'm not a trainer,
young lady. I am merely... a collector. I began my collection with a Mew card
and... now I have all this.
WILL: ...
TIM: So th' message here
is... collect Pokémon an' you too can be
evil?
[Cage releases Ash and
company.]
JIRUDIAN: Legendary Pokémon have
always been my passion. And soon my collection itself will be
legendary.
WILL: This guy is
even more short-sighted than Mewtwo! How can a collection be legendary if
assembling it DESTROYS THE WORLD?
ALISIN:
Well, if a few people survive an' it really does destroy the world, it'll be
like the most famous collection ever!
COMPUTER:
Sensors indicate Articuno is changing course.
JIRUDIAN:
And now you'll have to excuse me.
TIM: BELLLCH.
[He
leaves.]
MELODY: The legend... could it
be?
WILL: Hmmm. We've
repeated this stone tablet like fifteen times now, and every major character's
been familiarized with it... significant? Nope. Nope nope
NOPE.
[Articuno flies around, blasting
everything with ice.]
[Islanders are still
watching TV, which illustrates its running
commentary.]
WILL: "You're
watching the Weather Channel. The Channel you never even think about when it's
nice outside. You ungrateful slime. We hope you
die."
TV: Here's a map of the area around
Shamouti Island, the epicenter of the unprecedented worldwide weather disasters.
Though their purpose is not yet clear, tens of thousands of Pokémon are now
making their way toward the island. Water Pokémon are coming by sea, flying
Pokémon are coming by air, and those unable to make the crossing are massing on
the land nearest the islands. With me now are Professor Samuel Oak and Professor
Felina Ivy to help shed some light on this phenomenon.
TIM: Their purpose is VERY
clear! Each a' the 251 species gotta get some screen
time!
[Cut to interior of a helicopter, where
Oak, Ivy, and Mrs. Ketchum sit and a reporter and cameraman
work.]
OAK: Near Shamouti lie the Islands
of Fire, Ice, and Lightning, home to the legendary birds Moltres, Articuno, and
Zapdos. I fear that they are somehow involved. Ancient writings from many
different cultures name this area, specifically the Islands of Fire and Ice, as
the cradle of the ocean, the source, if you will, of all the waters of the
world. This has been disputed by scientists for centuries, but it does make some
poetic sense when you consider what forms when combining fire and
ice.
WILL:
Steam?
TIM: The song
"Sarah?"
REPORTER: And what about the island of
lightning, Professor?
OAK: Well, imagine if an imbalance
of power occurred between the powers of Lightning, Ice, and Fire. Here's,
potentially, how the underwater current has formed. If the balance between the
powers of Zapdos, Articuno, and Moltres were somehow disrupted, it's conceivable
that a powerful underwater current, this "churning beast of the sea," could
emerge from this region and ultimately flood the entire
planet.
TIM: "Churnin' beast
of the sea?" Yer kiddin', right? Look at those graphics! That's a DNA helix!
They wanted ta say that Water an' Lightning created life, but th' Christian
Right stifled th' translated version!
ALISIN: Damn Christians!
TIM:
Yeah!
ALISIN: ...That's just not as much
fun when Rikk's not here, is it?
TIM:
Nah.
IVY: The Pokémon seem to be gathering
because they feel a sense of impending doom. Pokémon are acutely in tune with
the balance of nature. The urge to correct this imbalance is causing them to
gather, possibly to try to save the planet, though they may be unable to do
anything about it.
ALISIN: "On the bright side... oh, wait, there is no bright
side."
REPORTER: And who are you?
[He points the microphone at Mrs.
Ketchum.]
WILL: "I wish I
knew..."
MRS. KETCHUM: My son and his friends
are traveling in the Orange Islands. And if things get as bad as Professor Oak
says, I may never see my boy again!... Ash is the whole world to me.
ALISIN: Ain't this a
little... retroactive? I mean, din't Ash's Mom say hi to Pikachu before sayin'
hi to Ash the last time they visited?
WILL:
Unfortunately, Alisin, I don't know Pokémon continuity and Tim doesn't
care.
TIM: Shhh! Here it
comes...
[Slowking is on a ledge and it is
snowing.]
SLOWKING: I could use pants.
TIM: AH HA HA! I can die
happy now.
WILL:
Really?
[Carol and that same old man (her
father? Grandfather? Dirty old man of a husband? What?) looking out the window
as it continues to snow.]
CAROL: Melody.
WILL: Why worry about HER?
Isn't this the epicenter of the world's disasters? Wherever she's going, it's
safer than here!
[When the day dawns... the sea
is frozen over.]
[Ash and crew, including
Team Rocket, are looking out of a window of Jirudian's flying
ship.]
JESSIE: Well, this sure beats an
in-flight movie.
ALISIN: What movie? It's a solid wall o' white! What are y'used
t'watchin', "The Blair Snowman
Project?"
MELODY: [Reading tablet.] "Disturb
not the Harmony of Fire, Ice, and Lightning... lest these Titans wreak
destruction upon the World in which They clash." What if the ancient legend is
coming true...?
TIM: Then we
gotta build a giant wrestlin' ring on
Mars!
JAMES: If it is true, all intelligent
life will be destroyed.
WILL:
...No, too easy.
JESSIE: That's right.
JAMES: And I'll be...
MEOWTH:
You will be fine.
WILL: Yep, definitely
too easy.
ASH: We've got to do something.
MISTY: We have to set Moltres and Zapdos free!
TRACEY: Yeah, but how?
TIM: "By reading to them the
Word of the Lord."
ALISIN: ...Nah, just not
nearly as fun.
[Ash tries charging at one of
the cages and gets zapped back.]
WILL: Didn't he try this with Mewtwo, with similar
results?
TIM: Yeah, but remember, Mewtwo made
everybody forget everything they learned in the first movie!
WILL: Like it made a
difference.
[Articuno meets Jirudian's ship in
midair.]
JIRUDIAN: Time to turn up the
heat.
[The ship shoots fire at Articuno
and Articuno's ice constructs. But this attack seems less effective than the
others; Articuno seems to be holding his
own.]
WILL: In retrospect, it
may not have been wise to permit the Bird of Ice to freeze over the WHOLE NEARBY
OCEAN before going after it...
[The mysterious
creature starts to surface at last. We can see it looks like a primitive, large
bird... and it emerges in a waterspout. Its name is
Lugia.]
ALISIN:
LOOK-EE-YEAH!
TIM:
HOCK-A-LUGEY-A!
[ Inside the ship Pikachu is
shocking the cage, trying to free
Moltres.]
ASH: I choose you,
Charizard!
[Charizard starts blasting fire
at the cage. The bird wakes... but the cage
holds.]
ALISIN: "Do y'
mind? Tryin' t' sleep here..."
MISTY: Fire and
electricity aren't enough!
TRACEY: We can't just give
up! We've got to keep trying.
JESSIE: Well, if things
are going to start to get ugly... we might as well try Weezing.
WILL: Wheezing? How would
THAT help?
JAMES: Right. Go.
[Weezing comes out and hits the cage, but
it bounces off and collapses.]
TIM: Ah, the famous "lie there an' evoke pity"
attack.
MEOWTH: C'mon, ya big palooka, get up
an' fight!
JESSIE: Let's try Arbok.
[Sends out
Arbok]
JESSIE: Now, Arbok. Use poison
sting.
WILL: Give that cage
an irritating rash it'll never forget!
[Arbok
does attack but it doesn't affect the
cage.]
ASH: Squirtle, Bulbasaur, I choose
you!
WILL: "Which doesn't
negate my choice of Charizard earlier. I'm not too particular,
really."
[They start adding their attacks to
the others'... and it's finally enough. The cage explodes and Moltres is free.
Moltres easily frees Zapdos and they escape. Then they start to throw their
attacks at the floating machine. They're at much too close range for the
machine's weapons to be effective, and the machine goes
down.]
WILL: You know...
impressive computer graphics aside, is that thing really a good design for a
warcraft?
TIM: Yeah, a wind-powered airship seems
ta be missin' somethin' essential.
COMPUTER:
Mayday. Prepare for crash landing on Lightning Island.
[Machine crashes into island. Ash and
everybody else run for their lives, Team Rocket in
front.]
[When Ash falls, a treasure comes
falling out in front of him. This one has electricity in it. Then Zapdos comes
and shoots electricity at them.]
MISTY:
Look out!
[All birds start fighting each
other and a waterspout emerges.]
ALISIN: Th' itsy-bitsy 2000-pound bird swam up th'
waterspout...
[Team Rocket hides out in the
motorboat.]
JESSIE: I'd hate to get burned
by their fire.
JAMES: I'd hate to get hit by their
lightning.
WILL: Well, only
one of them has fire, and only one lightning. If you want to get
technical.
TIM [elbowing Alisin]: It's
workin'...
MEOWTH: I'd hate to get hit by their
droppings!
[Ash and friends climb on the
boat while the three birds continue to fight. But that soon proves a mistake, as
a tidal rush sends the boat out of control. Then the waterspout saves it from
falling and crashing. A strange sound can be heard in the
background.]
MELODY: What's that
sound?
WILL: That dull,
thudding sound? The plot.
[Team Rocket scurry
to set up an inflatable lifeboat.]
JESSIE:
Quick, we may need this!
ALISIN: Then they set up some inflatable life
insurance!
[The spout throws the boat onto a
ledge, and Team Rocket's lifeboat goes flying further up the mountain. The boat
begins to fall off the ledge, and everybody else scrambles off, just in time to
see that...]
WILL: It takes a
superhuman effort to get thrown from a boat in midair TWICE IN ONE
MOVIE.
TIM: I'm tellin' ya, these guys must've
pissed off the gypsies from Stephen King's
Thinner.
[Slowking is waiting for them,
the same place he's always
been.]
SLOWKING: Take the treasure, and
put it there.
[He points to the
altar.]
ASH: You can talk?
TIM: "Uh, I mean...
Slowking."
WILL: The world is ending and Ash
wants to know this guy's speech
therapist.
[Pikachu points to Ash's
pockets.]
ALISIN:
"Quick! The mace!"
ASH: Oh, right.
[He follows Pikachu to the altar and
places the first treasure.]
TIM: A thick wad of chewin' gum... oh, ya mean THIS
treasure.
ASH: Fire Island.
[Then the
other.]
ALISIN: "Booze
Island."
Lightning Island.
[But there is still an empty
space.]
SLOWKING: So you're Ash. You're
one treasure short.
TIM: Huh.
Ya notice that Ash is also a "collector," this time around, not just an
army-builder?
WILL: Should I
care?
TIM:
Significance!
ASH: Yeah, I know, but... how'd
you know my name?
[Ash and crew watch as
the three birds continue to fight, destroying everything around them. Ash runs
out and waves to them.]
ALISIN: "Hiiiii!"
ASH: CUT IT
OUUUT!
WILL: He tried THIS
dumb idea in the last movie too! It got him KILLED! Didn't he learn anything in
the last TV SEASON, either?
[Then the
waterspout rises from the water and Lugia, a massive bird more powerful than any
one of the others, appears from it.]
NODROG: It's
a bird. Well, still more impressive then a talking stone
doughnut.
SLOWKING: The Great Guardian, Lugia.
BLACKJACK: With a name like Lugia, it's got to
be good. Or very, very bad.
MELODY: I can't believe it.
ASH: Lugia?
REV (As Slowking):
Yes, goddammit! Lugia! Do you have to have everything explained to you in the
tiniest minute detail? I swear, there's a 3 year old watching out there that's
grasped more than you, kiddo!
WILL (joining in): HEY,
ASH! WHAT'S YOUR MOM'S NAME?
[Lugia roars, making a
strange noise.]
MELODY: That sound!
[She looks
at her conch.]
ALISIN: "If I had an agent, I
could make it number one with a bullet!"
[Jirudian is
watching through the telescope in what remains of his
ship.]
JIRUDIAN: Finally, my prize. It's magnificent. The beast
of the sea... you belong to me.
TIM: "I'll keep ya
in th'smoldering crater that used ta be my jail room..." Damn. Even *I* can't
stop pickin' on the logic flaws in *this* one.
[All three
birds are trying to attack Lugia. Lugia goes under what and forms a waterspout,
but Articuno freezes it. Then Lugia comes out and they keep
fighting.]
MELODY: "Though the Water's Great Guardian will arise
to quell the fighting, alone its Song will fail, thus the Earth shall turn to
Ash."
SLOWKING: This looks bad.
WILL:
"Looked bad" yesterday, too, didn't it?
ALISIN: This
guy an' Professor Ivy should go out.
TIM (as Professor
Ivy, blandly): "No, that would only end in misery."
[The
birds, fighting again. Finally all three of the minor birds hit Lugia from all
sides, knocking it unconscious. It falls into the sea, and Articuno ices over
it.]
[Meanwhile, Oak, Ivy, and Mrs. Ketchum get rocked on the
helicopter.]
MRS. KETCHUM: What are Ash and his friends doing
out in this terrible weather? I'm worried about them.
ALISIN: "I gotta be! I got no other job in this movie!" Man,
I'm so glad I don't have kids.
OAK: Save a little worry
for us!
IVY: The fate of our planet is what we should really be
worried about. And the Pokémon know that better than any of us.
WILL: "You've always got to top me, don't
you?"
[The Pokémon shown earlier gather closer to the
island, marching over the frozen ocean. Slowking's spirits are not
lifted.]
SLOWKING: There's only one hope. Only the Chosen One
can bring together the Treasures to help the Waters' Great
Guardian.
WILL: "Now wherrre could we find a Chosen
One? Hmmm. Under this rock? Nooo... Falling out of the sky? Hmm... Mm-mm. Where
could he beee?"
MELODY: But the legend says its song will
fail.
SLOWKING: "And thus the Earth shall turn to
Ash."
WILL: Oh, well, too bad. Nice knowing you
guys! Roll credits!
MELODY: But how are we going to find
the Chosen One if we don't even know where to look?
MISTY: It's
right in the legend. "The Earth shall turn to Ash."
TIM: So, what, the world population is gonna turn inta five billion
Ash Ketchums?
ALISIN: "I wanna be the very
best! No, *I* wanna be!"
TRACEY: Ash, it's talking about
you!
ASH: Ah, I'm the... Chosen One? Wait a minute... trainin'
Pokémon's tough enough, but savin' the world is way too hard!
WILL: Um... the alternative is a LOT harder,
Ash...
MISTY: I know it doesn't sound easy,
Ash...
TRACEY: But you're the only one who matches the legend
perfectly. What do you say?
TIM: "Hmm. Mostly, I say
lotsa self-centered stuff, an' 'I choose you,' an' the names of my Pokémon an'
their attacks. That pretty much covers it."
ASH: Well,
right now I wish my Mom had named me Bob instead of Ash.
WILL: But then thousands of kids named "Bob" would suffer horribly on
school playgrounds.
MELODY: Ash, this whole thing is my
fault. I... I never should've dragged you into this.
ASH: Well, I
guess I've got to go along with that.
MISTY: Don't blame yourself.
WILL: Let us do it for
you.
MISTY: Ash always gets us into
trouble.
ALISIN: An' after puberty, he'll be
gettin' me int' even MORE trouble!
ASH: Yeah, but nothin'
like this!
MELODY (realizing something): Lugia. The sound it makes
is just like the song from the legend.
ALISIN: "It musta swallowed a
synthesizer!"
[Melody plays the flute and Lugia wakes.
Lugia comes crashing out of the water.]
WILL: Sure.
Fine. Whatever.
LUGIA: The song. The song has restored my
strength. But it alone cannot bring harmony to the three warring ones.
ASH: What do you mean?
LUGIA: When the treasures of
Fire, Ice, and Lightning are aligned, my song will harmonize with their powers
and tame the beasts both above and below the sea. But this can come to pass only
with the help of the Chosen One.
WILL: Because,
see, only your genetic imprint... no, that's not it... um, you just happen to be
a blood ancestor of... uh, your name is actually a magical word meaning... oh,
hell, just go with it.
ASH: But what can I do that
somebody else can't?
WILL: Whine for twelve hours
straight!
TIM: Luke Skywalker's got
that...
LUGIA: Only in the hands of the true Chosen One
will the Ice Sphere glow like the others, its power awakened. [gestures to Ice
Island, across the frozen sea.]
ASH: I-I have to go...
there?
LUGIA: The choice is yours. You must go only where your heart
leads.
ALISIN: "Now hurry
up."
ASH: Maybe I... mmm...
[As the birds
continue to fight, Ash reaches for courage... and Pikachu tugs at his
leg.]
TIM: Now, this... this is okay. It ain't too
often you get an anime hero who's seriously afraid of dyin'.
WILL: I'd be a lot more moved if the guy hadn't already electrocuted
himself by running head-first into a cage.
ASH:
Pikachu?
[Pikachu repeats his name encouragingly. Charizard and
Squirtle come out of their Pokeballs and encourage Ash too.]
ALISIN: Wait! Whoa! Pokies can come out of the pokey whenever
they FEEL like it?
ASH: You think so... too? Okay...
[Starts sobbing.]
I'll do whatever it takes to get that
third treasure... but what if I mess up? What if... I-I-I...
ALISIN: "Get so underconfident..."
WILL: "After like 200 straight victories..."
ALISIN: "That I start whinin' in a critical moment and
die?"
TIM: "Oh, wait, that's now."
WILL: SPLAT!
TIM [smiles
enigmatically]
MISTY: You can do it.
MELODY:
We know you can.
ASH( bringing his head back up): Yeah, you're
right, I can do it. I'm the Chosen One.
[Cut to Ash, walking
through snow.]
ASH: R-Right now, I feel more like the Frozen
One.
WILL: And as soon as the icequakes begin, we
can continue this theme with "The Squozen One."
[He falls
into the snow.]
ASH: Maybe they got the wrong
Ash.
ALISIN: "D'OH! We wanted the chainsaw
guy from Army of Darkness!"
[Pikachu points to the
wrecked boat. Cut to Ash on a piece of the boat with his Pokémon pulling him as
a sled team.]
ASH: This is a lot better than walkin', Pikachu.
We'll be there in no time now!
TIM: I'm sure all
th'dead fish yer ridin' over are thrilled ta hear it, big
guy.
[And back on the Big
Island...]
MISTY: Good luck, Ash.
JESSIE: Sigh...
he's always the hero.
WILL: Only because nobody
else even TRIES! What's the deal here? Melody was so keen to get out and help
Ash, and now that the hard part of the journey starts, she sits around and
WATCHES? Tracey, Marin, and Misty too?
JAMES: ...We're
always a zero.
MEOWTH: We could be heroes too, if we ever caught a
break.
TIM: CRACK! Ha ha!
WILL: Wait a minute... you LIKE Meowth... why are YOU saying
that?
[Oak's helicopter crashes into the snow. But
everyone walks out, pretty much unhurt.]
ALISIN: Haven't y' gotten it yet, y'big
goof?
[Team Rocket watches the copter... looks back at the
liferaft... and gets an idea.]
JESSIE, JAMES, and MEOWTH
(simultaneously): Ah! I've got an idea.
TIM: Yeah,
that was Alisin and me, without the creepy talkin' in unison, when we realized
we had a showin' of Pokemon 2000 here. We both went,
"a-HA!"
WILL: What are you talking
about?
[Ash is heading toward the island sledding. Lugia
and his Pokémon protect him from the other three birds' attacks, but ultimately
he loses his sled and gets walled off by a mountain of
ice.]
ASH: We'll never get there now.
TIM: You haven't whined about Kath once in the last hour! You been too
bloodthirsty and nit-picky ta be depressed!
WILL:
You're saying... this is THERAPY?
[Something buzzing is
coming at him from the distance.]
ASH: Huh? Who could that
be?
ALISIN: The Grinch!
TIM: Tourists!
WILL:
...
[It's Team Rocket on their lifeboat with the rudder
from the helicopter pushing it along.]
JESSIE: If that kid
thinks we're here for trouble...
JAMES: We're certainly going to
burst his bubble.
ALISIN: "HA! He thinks
we're gonna take his animals an' kill 'im! We'll show
him!"
JESSIE: Instead of causing tribulation...
JAMES: ...We've undergone a transformation.
TIM: "Now Jessie is a guy too!"
JESSIE: Though
it's way outside our usual range...
JAMES: ...We're going to do
something nice for a change.
JESSIE: Jessie!
JAMES:
James!
JESSIE: Up till now, Team Rocket's been quite unscrupulous...
JAMES: Being good guys for once would be super-dupulous!
MEOWTH: That's right.
WILL: Where did
this come from, exactly? Have Jessie and James long held this secret desire to
be heroes?
ALISIN: Dunno. Talk t' that
"Blackjack" chick in th' back. She knows everythin'.
ASH:
What are they doin' here?
TIM: They brought ya tea,
crumpets, an' porno mags. They're bein' nice now just ta keep ya
guessin'.
[Ash is now aboard Team Rocket's raft and is
zooming toward the island.]
ASH: You wanna help?
WILL: No, they said "you need
help."
JAMES: Of course.
JESSIE: We don't
want the world destroyed.
NICOLAS JUZDA: Just,
you know, some of those little European countries that no one'd
miss.
JAMES: Even if we survived...
JESSIE:
...there'd be no one left to steal from.
ALISIN: "Or to recite poetry to."
BLACKJACK: Oh, no. The two of them having to re-populate the world?
(James) "Ooh! And I thought that was just a muscle spasm!"
JAMES: We'd be out of work!
NODROG: "And what other job would let me dress up in women's
clothing? And doesn't require talent?"
JESSIE: Come to think
of it, when's the last time we had a vacation?
MEOWTH: We'll be on
a permanent vacation if we don't get to that island.
TIM: When yer brain-dead, every day's a vacation. Right, Willy?
Willy?
WILL: Oh, my Lord... I didn't think this was
POSSIBLE, but...
[Moltres shows up behind
them.]
JESSIE: Evasive maneuvers.
JESSIE AND JAMES:
On the double!
WILL: By comparison with Ash... Team
Rocket is starting to look... GOOD.
[They dodge the
remaining attacks with Lugia's help, and race up the mountain through a cavern
and reach the temple. No, I DON'T know how a liferaft with a rudder manages to
rise up an underground cavern that goes FROM SEA LEVEL TO THE TOP OF THE
MOUNTAIN. It just DOES, okay?]
[Everybody piles out and Pikachu
locates the Ice Sphere or Orb or Treasure or whatever. Ash pulls it
out.]
MEOWTH: Okay, ya got the third treasure, now let's get
back to the island!
ALISIN: "But we just GOT
here!"
JESSIE: Right...
JAMES: ...I almost
forgot.
WILL: Maybe there's only one brain between
them, but... it's still more than Ash has...
[But before
they can get out, the three birds attack, smash their raft, and cut off their
main escape route. Articuno gets the worst of the battle, getting pinned under a
long flame attack. When it ends, he does not rise.]
[Pikachu
climbs a side and cries for the others to follow.]
MEOWTH: Come
on, come on, let's go!
ALISIN: Ooo,
sexually...
TIM: ...suggestive!
[TIM and ALISIN
high-five.]
[They follow him, then run together, then Ash
and Pikachu get out in front. While he is running down the mountain, Lugia comes
flying next to him.]
LUGIA: The treasure.
ASH: I got
it!
WILL: "So, uh, what kinda Pokeball is this
anyway? I split it open but nothin' came out except this blue
goo."
LUGIA: Get on.
ASH: Pikachu.
[Ash jumps on Lugia.]
ALISIN: YEEEEE-HOO! Hot bestiality
action!
JESSIE: Don't leave without
us!
[They grab onto Lugia's tail.]
WILL: ...They made it...
[Lugia flies with Ash
on his back while dodging two birds' attacks.]
TIM:
Then for his next trick, he saws a woman in half while pattin' his head an'
rubbin' his stomach. Blindfolded.
LUGIA: Hold on tight.
[Continues dodging.]
JESSIE: We're slowing Luvia
down, the three of us are too heavy!
ALISIN:
Anorexia's an ugly thing.
JAMES: Let's try Weight
Watchers.
JESSIE: It's too late for that.
MEOWTH: I
heard it's never too late if you really stick to the
prograaam!
TIM: Then they push Meowth off the end
an' say, "You're right, we've lost fifty pounds
already!"
JESSIE: If we don't let go, they might not make
it back!
JAMES: Let's protect the world from
devastation...
MEOWTH: Guess we gotta let go.
TIM [doing a truly pathetic imitation of Sting]: Free, free... set
them free...
JESSIE: Are you guys
ready?
JAMES: Let's do it.
WILL: I... I
don't believe this...
[All of Team Rocket lets go of
Lugia's tail and begins to fall.]
ASH: What are ya
doing?
ALISIN: Goin' out right.
WILL: ...Yeah!
JESSIE, JAMES, MEOWTH: Team
Rocket's blasting off for gooood!
ASH: Team
Rocket!
[Lugia flies away while Team Rocket
falls.]
TIM: "I thought they'd never
leave."
ALISIN: "Now where were we,
honey?"
JESSIE: Think we did the right
thing?
JAMES: I know we did the right thing, Jessie. And it feels
great.
WILL: I don't believe this, I really don't.
I haven't got PROBLEM ONE with this. These total crackbrained screwups finally
getting their act together the minute that they decide to do something noble...
that's a good idea. That's touching. What's it doing in THIS
movie?
MEOWTH: Well, this is it, then.
JESSIE:
Oh, let's not say goodbye...
TIM: "Let's just
scream like stuck pigs!"
[They all grab onto each
other.]
JAMES: Let's just say...
MEOWTH: We're gonna
die.
WILL: And when did they get
FUNNY?
ALISIN: Ehhh, big deal. Just translators
amusin' themselves...
[They fall into the icy water and
resurface. They look up to see a Gyrados in the same patch of water as them. Not
to mention thousands of other Pokémon are gathered around
them.]
[Meanwhile Ash is up in the air riding
Lugia.]
ASH: Lugia! Why are all those Pokémon down there?
WILL: "Hey, we TOLD you this collection was going
to become legendary! Kids, start assembling your scale model frozen ocean
today."
LUGIA: Because they feel they must be here in case
they are needed.
ALISIN: "Sorta like your
pals, only less ornamental."
ASH: But what could they do
to help?
LUGIA: They are not sure. And that is why they are
here.
WILL: Here's a hint: BREAK UP THE FIGHT.
Heck, TWO of Ash's Pokémon briefly held up against attacks from those
way-powerful birds... don't you think HUNDREDS might have done
more?
ASH: Whattaya mean?
LUGIA: That just
one of them could make the difference would be worth the journey for all of them
any day. But this day, the one that could make all the difference is
you.
WILL: No, I guess they don't.
TIM: Third moral of the story: sometimes ten thousand individuals
can't make any difference whatsoever.
[Lugia glides above
the ice and flies towards where Tracey, Misty, and Melody
are.]
MISTY: Please hurry.
MELODY: Let's hope
the... Legend is true.
ALISIN: Well, if it
is, then all Ash hadda do was get all three stones int' his hands at once. We
coulda solved this thing by now if not for Slowking's little "special effects"
ritual.
[As Ash waves to them, Jirudian's rings come again
to capture Lugia. Jirudian is still not giving up.]
JIRUDIAN:
Soon, Lugia, you will be mine and my destiny will be fulfilled at last.
WILL: "To be the world's richest drowned corpse.
It's not just a dream. It's a calling."
[Lugia screeches
and fights to get out. It shoots a hyper-beam which hits and destroys the rest
of Jirudian's ship. Then Lugia falls into the icy waters, taking Ash with him.
Ash and Pikachu float to the surface while Lugia sinks deeper. Ash is
unconscious, and Pikachu can barely keep Ash's head
afloat.]
LUGIA (drifting out of consciousness): I have failed.
TIM: "I knew I shoulda crammed harder on those
electricity traps... but I thought I could make it up with matching
questions!"
[Thousands of Pokémon gather and watch
tornadoes blow, lightning flash, and the world heading to its
end.]
ALISIN: "Y'know, this would be much
better on cable."
[On the Big Island, Melody makes a
choice.]
MELODY: Here. Take this.
[She hands
the conch to Misty.]
WILL: "You're chief
now."
MELODY: Legend or not, Ash can't do this
alone.
WILL: THANK
you...!
MISTY: Mm-mm. [Shakes her head.] You've got to
play Lugia's song. I'll go look for him. And Ash is never really alone, cause
he's got... me.
TIM: Awww.
WILL: Only alone in his own mind.
[They clasp
hands.]
ALISIN: "Ow! Indian
burn!"
[Pikachu struggles to keep Ash afloat in the
freezing surf. Suddenly Misty is swimming toward them.]
TIM: She is a good swimmer, just like a water gym graduate would be.
Such attention ta detail...!
WILL: Shut
up.
TIM: Now that's the Willy I remember. We've nursed
ya back to psychological health. An' ya have me ta thank for
it...!
WILL: Shut up.
MISTY:
Pikachu! Just hang on.
[Once she's reached Ash, she tugs a rope
around her waist. Tracey pulls her in while she holds onto Ash and Pikachu. They
get onto land.]
TRACEY: Ash!
MISTY (huffing): Come
on, Ash. Breathe.
WILL: "Don't
wanna!"
[She shakes him and tries to pump air into
him.]
ALISIN: But kissin' is icky, so she
can't do mouth-to-mouth and he dies.
MISTY: Please, Ash...
please, you can't...
WILL: "...force me to be
sitting around and whimpering about how you're dead for two movies
running!"
[Ash's eyes open and he sits
up.]
ASH: Uh? The Sphere!
[He pulls the
treasure from his pocket and walks away.]
ALISIN: Uh, you're welcome? Don't mention
it?
MISTY: Ash...
[Tracey catches Ash as
he stumbles, but Ash pushes him away.]
ASH: Lemme go! I gotta do
this.
WILL: "There's no time to waste, so I gotta
walk on my own instead of having two able-bodied friends carry
me!"
[Ash walks up the mountain and Misty and Tracey
follow. He trips and Misty and Tracey stop him from falling, but then he walks
on alone. Melody and Slowking are waiting at the top and see
him.]
MELODY: He made it.
SLOWKING: Have you
brought the final treasure, Ash?
WILL: "Hmm, I been
tossed around on a struggling bird, submerged, electrocuted, dropped in frozen
ocean and knocked unconscious... but no, I never let go of the
treasure."
ASH: [offering him the treasure] Here it is,
Slowking.
TIM: "How'd you know my
name?"
SLOWKING (pointing): You must be the one to place
it.
[Ash runs to the altar and places the third treasure. Light
emits from the three treasures and greenish water flows out from under the altar
and turns the columns around it crystalline.]
MISTY: The song.
ALISIN: "Boogie
Nights."
[Melody runs up to the altar and plays her
ocarina. Each time she hits a note a column lights up. The tree birds that were
lying on the floor awaken and all the tornadoes disappear. The sun starts to
shine and the greenish water flows into the ocean and makes it normal again. The
three birds start flying, at peace now, and Lugia appears again from the water
and flies up into the air. He comes to where Ash and co. is and motions for him
to climb on again. So Ash jumps on Lugia's back and he starts flying. A water
rainbow appears in the sky and Jirudian watches on as the Pokémon return home.
The arch of water goes back into the water. Melody finishes playing. Meanwhile,
the islanders are astonished at the change.]
WILL:
Basically, everything wrong is right again.
TIM: Too
bad all those Pokémon were standin' on the ice when this
happened...
TV: And as you can see from these live
pictures, the severe weather that's caused havoc around the globe has finally
ended...
ALISIN: "So y' don't really need an
announcer t' tell ya..."
[Fade to black. Back to Ash and
co... Luvia faces them at sunset.]
LUGIA: The beast of the sea
has been tamed. The fate of the world could not have been in better
hands.
ALISIN: Now tell me those two ain't
lovers.
TIM: Well, *I*
can't.
[Lugia flies away and dives into the sea. Ash is in
awe.]
TIM: Awe? Awwwww!
MRS.
KETCHUM: Ash! Ash!
[Mrs. Ketchum and Prof. Oak are climbing down
to where Ash is.]
OAK: [has some trouble climbing down, rubs his
stiff back, and says something like "Oh, my labago." Does anyone who's reading
this know what a "labago" is? Is it a medical term?]
ASH: It's
my mom!
WILL: I told you he didn't know her name.
Hell, he can't even say, "Mom!"
[She runs up to
him.]
MRS. KETCHUM: All right, start talking. You are in big
trouble, Mister.
ALISIN: "Is that a
challenge, Mom? [lower, scarier] You know how I feel about challenges...
Charizard, Fire Attack."
MISTY: But Mrs. Ketchum, Ash just
helped save the whole world.
ALISIN: Well,
heck! Best excuse *I* ever came up with was, "my best friend had a baby!"
'Course, I left home pretty young...
MRS. KETCHUM: Oh, he
did, did he? (softens) Well, I could have lost my whole world. Every day I worry
about you and wonder if you're all right. I know I can't stop you... from doing
the things you need to do... I just can't help missing you all the time. You're
a Pokémon trainer, and that's just how it is... But next time, could you try to
save the world a little closer to home?
TIM: "Sure,
Mom. Next time, I'll ask 'em to move the fight to right over your
house."
ASH: I... guess I could give it a
try.
MRS. KETCHUM: And remember... every day... you're my hero.
WILL: "Right next to that dear little boy from
Home Alone."
ASH (after a hushed beat): Thanks,
Mom.
OAK: We've got to get back to Pallet Town and tell the other
Pokémon researchers about this. Come on!
WILL: Hey,
Prof, you want to ask any QUESTIONS first, like HOW the world was saved, WHO
shot those bands at Lugia... you know, do actual RESEARCH to impress the
researchers with?
TIM: All they really need is a "I
survived Lugia '00" T-shirt.
[That night. What is left of
Jirudian's ship includes a Pokémon card on the floor. It is of Mew. Jirudian
picks it up and looks at it.]
JIRUDIAN: How it all began. And
how I'll begin... again.
ALISIN: Not much
fazes this guy, does it?
WILL: "Hmmm. I just
wrecked thousands of dollars of equipment and got my collection vaporized.
Bother."
[The next morning, Team Rocket climbs up onto a
ledge.]
JESSIE: I don't believe it.
JAMES: For
once, we were heroes.
MEOWTH: Too bad nobody saw us.
SLOWKING: Guess again.
TIM: "Uh...
okay... too GOOD nobody saw us."
[They all look up to see
Slowking standing in front of them.]
JESSIE: What... did you...
say?
TIM: "Slowking. Slowking Slowking
Slowking."
SLOWKING: Lots of people saw what you did out
there. And all of them are watching you right now.
[Slowking
turns toward the viewer... and Team Rocket follows his gaze.]
ALISIN: Trippy...
JESSIE: Then I guess
the bad guys...
JAMES: ...are finally...
MEOWTH: ...
good guys!
WILL: You can BAG the rest of the movie,
but... I'd be willing to give Team Rocket just one more chance... but TR was one
of the WORST parts of the first movie... I mean...
JESSIE:
So then we're not bad!
JAMES: That's good!
MEOWTH: What
if the boss finds out?
JAMES: That's bad!
JESSIE: We'll
start our own team!
JAMES: That's good!
MEOWTH: But we
got no money.
JAMES: That's bad!
JESSIE: Then we'll
just steal some!
JAMES: That's good... or is that bad?
Ohh...
WILL: What's good?? What's bad?? I don't
KNOW anymore!
TIM: Glad ta help.
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