They say, when ya die, yer brain shuts down. Apparently this is true.

When your favorite sci-fi characters shuffled off this mortal coil, ya naturally expected 'em to say profound stuff and, y'know, stuff. Unfortunately, what we got instead was mostly, "Ugh. Hurts."

An' worse. Like this:

10. "It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done, a far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known... I am, and will always be, your friend. Live long and prosper."

I'll admit it: Spock's sacrifice does bring a tear t'the eye. An' that stuff about needs of the many an' the one, that was kewl. So why'd he have to ruin it all by turnin' inta my high school English teacher? Aside from th'sacrifice thing, what possible connection is there between Spock an' that old dead French guy, when Spock has ALREADY risked his life repeatedly ta save the ship or his crewmates, an' the French guy was doin' somethin' selfless for the first time in his worthless life? Of course, Spock kinda covers for it by sayin' some more movin' stuff to Kirk, so this ain't as far up the list as it otherwise would be. But still.

"Look, we have no problem with you, but we have to get them out of there." Those were her actchual last words, an' they woulda been a great note to end things on. She was just doin' her job an' it got her killed. 'At's life.

But noooo. This is Star Trek, where people can't use the bathroom without talkin' about it. Seems Tasha's composed this whole funeral video where she tells absolutely every member o' the cast how much she means ta them, what wonderful people they are, an' why Trekkies really should keep watchin' these wonderful people. An' this is what she tells her former sentient vibrator? "Ya see with a child's eyes?" I mean, as if their relationship weren't twisted enough...

He's just had the battle of his life, literally. Superman used up every last watt o' solar energy in his cells t'take down Doomsday, a psychotic former wrestler who levels entire cities in the time it takes t'tell it. So what does he say when Lois cradles his head just after? "Doomsday... is he... is he...?" News flash, Mr. Mild-Mannered Reporter, if Doomsday were anythin' but a speed bump, Lois wouldn't be cradlin' yer head in the first place. I mean, I know they talk about everythin' gettin' dark, but come on now.

Still, Clark gets an early spot on this list cause he did see Lois off right earlier in the adventure. "No matter what happens, I'll always love you. Always." An' through the miracle of funny-books, he managed to say this WHILE playin' tonsil-hockey with her. Nothin's more romantic than talkin' with yer mouth full... of the one ya love.

7. "For I have always loved you..."

Maybe Supes could go back in time an' give his Dad a few pointers. Krypton did all its child-bearin' through government-regulated test-tube programs. Good thing, too, cause Jor was so inhibited he waited for the planet t'explode before askin' Lara for a date.

Here's a good one. The entire narrative thrust a' Sliders centered around these people with a Random Alternate Universe Portal Generator who were tryin' t'get back to their original "Earth." Let's just ignore how completely impossible their goal is for the moment an' focus on what one of 'em says t'Quinn, the leader of the group, when he finally kicks it. "Get them home?" Has there been anythin' on Quinn's mind but gettin' them home? Does he expect Quinn t'say, "Gosh, I was thinkin' maybe we'd settle down in some alternate tropical Russia or somethin'... but if YOU say get them home, okay..." *Sigh*

Optimus had apparently deactivated his grammar subroutines t'conserve power. (But apparently not his colorization function, since he turned black-an'-white when he died.) After givin' his Autobot second-in-command a bunch of instructions which th'second-in-command will #$%^ up totally, Optimus looks forward to the day when entropy wins out an' everythin' in the universe is fundamentally the same homogenous substance. I try ta be respectful of people's religions, but they make it so damn hard.

I would reprint Dark Phoenix's entire death-speech here, but I'm afraid it might crash our server. Basically, she goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how she's fightin' t'keep herself under control, an' how if she lives, she will kill again, sooner or later, an' even if she didn't, what kind of life would it be t'constantly have t'struggle ta control yourself? (That last part I get. That's why I intimidate women; they can't control themselves.) Then, havin' exercised enough control of herself t'deliver this speech, she commits remote-controlled suicide (don't ask).

Oh, that's ALL we need. Somethin' ta make Luke even MORE insufferable. "Hey, Leia, guess what! I was right! (simper)" Ya know, maybe we were wrong an' Darth Vader really did die an evil man after all. (We've already had somebody else prove that ya don't have t'be good t'get a magical ghost body... for that proof, click here.)

One likes ta think most of us are vaguely aware we're gonna die someday, Doc. An' most of us don't have spare bodies ta jump into. Look, whaddaya want me t'say, I'm glad ya got yer #$%^ together? We're all real happy for ya, Doc. Alla us pathetic one-bodiers.

That pretty much covers it.

DIS-DISHONORABLE MENTION: "It was... fun. ...Oh, my." Whether ya think he should be dead or not, this was classic Kirk. Swashbucklin' almost t'the end... an' then genuinely surprised as he realized he was REALLY dyin', since he'd flirted with death so often before. Here's hopin' I do half as well. Not like I'm in any hurry.

(Editor's note: What were the last words of Jadzia Dax, Cyclops, and three other great science-fiction characters? First one to answer correctly gets a free six-pack of FANS comics! E-mail answers here!)

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