Y'knew Jerry Fal(l)well was a sick ol' puppy way, way earlier than '99, but before then even Your Humble Li'l Listmaker didn't think he'd stoop to infantile child abuse. Yeah, yeah, I'm talkin' about when he "outed" that Teletubby, Tinky Winky, as gay.
It's hard to see how Tink could grow up not to be gay, since there ain't any female Teletubbies. But c'mon! Rippin' on this kid before he even develops genitalia, an' teachin' him that he's bad and wrong for somethin' he's never even thought about...
Hey, I like sick. I respect sick. But there is such a thing as TOO sick.
Ya wanna pick on gay toons, Jer, pick on these guys an' gals. They're the ones who get me quiverin' so bad I wanna be a gay cartoon character. Oh yeah, an' they're all over fifteen, you hypocritical teddy-bear-fucker. In order of sexiness:
10. Popeye. This guy's kinda borderline. Not the "gay" part: he's datin' a cross-dressin' pipe cleaner an hangin' with a guy named "Wimpy". The "sexy" part. Sure, he's got the forearms an' that macho accent, but he's also kinda dumb an' probably tastes like spinach. Maybe worth a one-night stand.
9. Marcie. What's that? The "Peanuts" characters ain't teenagers? Okay, you round me up half a dozen Bible-quotin' "Ivanhoe"-readin' kids under fifteen, an' I'll forget all my teenaged dreams about Marcie's little serious whisper in my ear.
8. Peppermint Patty. An' Marcie's got good taste, too. Peppermint Patty's like that girl in My Life As a Dog, or maybe My Life In a Dog Collar. She whips the boys at baseball so bad, she's got 'em convinced it's fate. Marcie's already callin' her "Sir". An' so am I. An' so should you.
7. Shaggy. We know he's gay cause he'd rather hang with the dog than the chicks, but what makes him sexy? Y'ever have a boyfriend so totally fucked up that just tryin' to keep them from destroyin' themselves was an aerobic workout? An' the worse they got, the harder you fell for 'em? That's Shag.
6. Fisheye. Sufferin' is sexy, an no gay toons suffer better'n Fisheye. He keeps fallin' for the guys he's supposed to kill, an' then he gets spurned for Sailor Moon without anybody suggestin' a threesome (that's gotta hurt), an' then he finds out he's actually a transformed fish. An' then he dies. Sorta the gay Goth's ideal.
5. Velma. Oh man, this one's butch legend. Big shoulders, big sweaters, big brains! Why couldn't Daphne have picked up on the signals she was sendin'? Tragic. Hey, Velm, if ya need consolin', my online handle is "Pamela".
4. Hefty Smurf. Oh sure, 101 Smurfs in the entire village and one Smurfette (who nobody ever pays attention to, anyway). Don't ask me how they reproduced. Fruitier'n blueberries, the lot of 'em... but Hefty's the one who's got the whole village worshippin' his biceps. "Hefty." I guess "Beefy" an' "Studly" were too obvious.
3. Ernie. I don't care what anyone says, this guy is a great partner. Without him, Bert would have his head so far up his plush ass that he'd look like a balled-up pair of socks. Ernie keeps him relaxed, reminds him to have fun. He's my role model.
2. Jughead. When they were outin' Batman an' Robin, how did they miss this guy? It's so bloody obvious! But Jughead is the ultimate gay romantic, even better'n Ernie. Instead of tryin' to lead Archie into the li'l boys' room, he keeps givin' Archie good advice on how not to shit up his love life any worse than he already has. Why doesn't Jughead kick the girls-- the ones he hates so much-- outta Archie's life altogether? Cause it's about Archie an' what he wants. That's sick... but that's love.
1. Bugs Bunny. Was there ever any doubt? Bugs could seduce the Pope and make him like it! Unlike most cartoon characters with their cookie-cutter "girlfriends" an' suspicious-lookin' "nephews", Bugs never even pretended to be straight. An' every time he kisses Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam an' neutralizes 'em completely, the message is clear. In a world of repressive heterosexuality (like, y'know, the fifties, when the cartoons were made), being openly gay is power.
You don't get any sexier than that.
Dishonorable Mentions: Batman and Yogi Bear. One's got the world's greatest set of abs an' the other's got the charm of Casanova, but in the end, both of 'em are disgustin' pedophiles like Falwell, and all three of 'em should be sealed in their respective caves for as long as there are children in the world. Robin's short-shorts. Boo-Boo's nickname. Hell, Robin's nickname was "Dick." Sick, sick, sick.
This list was compiled with the help of Salon Magazine (best porn text on the Net!), 4GuysFromRolla.com, and www.teevee.org. All hackers are brothers. Keep the community alive.
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