by Tim Mitts

They keep a tight lid on what goes on in our kids' programmin' in this country. Heck, Bert n Ernie can't even share a room anymore without settin' Jerry Falwell's gaydar ringin' like a teen-tiny dinner bell ("Tinky-Winky-Tinky-Winky"). Yeah, like they could afford a two-bedroom apartment in New York on Ernie's substitute teacher pay.

Well, those $@#&-fer-brains censors aren't nearly as 1984ish as they think they are. They may keep the sex outta our cartoons (the bastards!) an' they may edit out the violence in the old Warner Bros. cartoons, but they haven't touched the drugs. Those lamers don't even notice that the drugs are there! But I'm gonna let ya in on a little secret, kiddies - yer favorite cartoon characters are are so deep in tha purple haze they make Keith Richards look clean! So here they are, the top ten cartoon drug addicts, fer yer amusement and edificashun.

10. THE CATARPILLAR (Disney's Alice In Wonderland) - How could they miss this one? The Disney people weren't even TRYIN' to be subtle. Dude lived inside his works! Come on, a hookah built on a giant 'shroom. What more do you need, a heroin-needle picket fence? Aktchally, that would be pretty cool.

9. DR. JERKYLL (Warner Brothers shorts) - He knew that formula was bad for him. He knew it turned him inta a horrible savage monster. He just couldn't help himself. Yeah, it's all fun and games until some steroid-pumped canary pummels a cat inta a liquid state just cause you don't got your shit together, ain't it, doc?

8. MUDDY MUDSKIPPER (Ren & Stimpy) - I don' know how this one got by the censors. Muddy even admitted he wuz an addict. He warned Stimpy away from oxygen when evryone's favrite cat became a star shillin' for Gritty Kitty Cat Litter. Mebbe they let it slide because of the anti-drug message. It worked, too. Look how many kids have given up oxygen since.

7. PAC-MAN - Remember how he an' his buddies ran around perpetually eatin' "power pellets" so's they could beat up the spooks (read "narcs" if yer a little slow)? An' yeah, this WAS a toon way back in the Eighties. Hey, if Wayne Gretzky can be a toon star, anybody can.

6. POPEYE - Spinach. Without his fix, Popeye'd be helpless, an' Bluto'd be trying to figure out what to do with his new pipe-cleaner of a girlfriend.

5. SCOOBY DOO - He's terrified of the fake ghosts, even though they always-- ALWAYS-- turn out ta be some disgruntled employee or someone in a cheap flourescent robe. Yet he'll "risk" his "life" to get those yummy doggie-treats. He's hooked. So's Shaggy, but if there's a drug that dude hasn't done, it's because it hadn't been invented in the '70s. That's probably why the ghosts always seem so real ta these two guys, anyway.

4. BUGS BUNNY - Yeah, he seems perfect. But Bugs hides a dark secret. His deepest shame. His Achilles' rabbit's foot. Bugs Bunny is a carrot addict. He can be lured into a mad scientist's hideout with carrots. He can be bribed with carrots. He carries them around in a cigarette case so he can always get his fix. His girlfriend, Sophia, uses too, and their carrot-fueled sex burns up the screen - but that's a different list entirely. Hang on, I need to get a drink. 'Kay, back.

3. SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS - Yes. All of 'em. Come on, they own a gem mine, and they live together in a hovel. Where d'you think th'money goes?

• Snow White - even the name.
• Sneezy - from a deviated septum.
• Happy - Reefer. Enough o' that'd make anyone happy.
• Dopey - The name says it all.
• Sleepy - 'Ludes. Lots an' lots o' 'ludes.
• Bashful - He's not "bashful" so much as "paranoid" but with enough sedatives in him, all we see is shy. Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies. Mixin' drugs not only fucks ya up, it makes ya borin'. One chemical at a time.
• Grumpy - He pissed off his dealer and now he's cut off.
• Doc - with a nickname like that, he's the supplier.

2. THE GUMMI BEARS - An entire friggin' drug-based civilization. Gummi-berry juice is liquid steroids. Speed and hoppiness for the bears, strength for the humans. Every episode is a drug war with Igthorn. It's like Miami, only not as high-tech. (Asterix's village had a similar substance, an' theirs was a pretty similar culture, only annoyingly French -- Sorry, that's redundant.)

1, SONNY & THE TRIX RABBIT - AND all breakfast cereal shills in general. Lucky, Tony, Diggem, an' the others all have their dependencies, but Sonny and the Rabbit are the saddest. Sonny's tryin' ta kick the habit, but the kids keep forcin' the junk on him. The Rabbit wants the stuff, but the kids keep him jonesin' for that elusive next taste. The moral of the story - kids are just no damn good.

Dishonorable Mention -

THE STORK - Just a social drinker. Yeah, we've heard that one before. He knocks back a few, just to be friendly, and the next thing you know some mother has a bouncing baby kangaroo for a kid. "That wuz an accident. I swear." Oh, wait, kids are baby goats. We're fine.

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