Really Bad Dates
by Will Erixon
There's a problem with most of Tim's "pickup line" lists. I know, I know... "ONE problem?" Well, let's just say there's one problem I'm going to FOCUS on.
Tim pretty well believes that any sentient being is sexually compatible with any other sentient being. To him, any encounter at all is a possible set-up for some future (insert sound of Tim's Butthead-like chuckle) "encounter." Tim's little world might be a scary place for most of us, but it's actually a great world for HIM.
However, those of us who have actually BEEN through Relationship Hell know that this isn't so. And I have some records here of some dates that make Rikk's current love life look stable and healthy.
10. Kirk and Eve (from Species). Granted, both parties had only a short-term relationship in mind, but since Kirk's morning-after plan was to return to the Enterprise and do another "Oh, the Enterprise is a jealous mistress" soliliquy, and Eve's morning-after plan was to kill Kirk, things didn't work out.
9. Kuno (Ranma 1/2) and Lina Inverse (Slayers). Even poor, flat-chested Lina could only accept so much of Kuno's flattery before realizing he was even thicker than her other traveling companions, and his "magical prowess" was a mere figure of speech. Plus, the fact that he never called her by name was kind of a blow to her ego.
8. Lois Lane and Dilbert. During one of Superman's deader-than-usual periods, Lois began to wonder if he was going to resurrect this time and started playing the field. She was looking for a change of pace, and so went after a somewhat insecure man. By the time Dilbert set fire to his own tie and put it out in her chicken soup, and certainly well before trying to kiss him goodnight and realizing he had no lips, Lois had sworn off insecure types for good. Of course, the date with the Tick didn't go so well, either.
7. Angel and "Dark Angel." Trademark talk turned ugly.
6. Dana Scully and the Malkavian "Vampire" Role-Player.
5. Fox Mulder and the Fundamentalist.
4. Isaac Asimov and Anne McCaffrey.
3. Xena and Sheena. Too much competition is never a good thing.
2. Misty (Pokemon) and Harry Potter. Long-distance relationships rarely work, and even this first date involved way too much broomstick commuting.
1. Harry Kim and Seven of Nine. Bad for THEM, good for US. Good for those of us who still WATCH Voyager. Occasionally. Once or twice a year, maybe. Sort of the way we stare at photographs of old girlfriends.
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